WASTED TIME

Having seen the Christmas come and go,I see no reason for optimism,no-one,it seems,can see my plight ,or they just dont care.Still staying in most of the time,not conducive to my mental health,the so-called irons in the fire,have been extinguished.Just seems to me ,to be no point to any of this,I only get judged,or blamed ,when I do try .Everyone,in my limited experience,is looking after No1, forget empathy ,or support,if I have support ,it needs to be real,when I need it ,not randomly,never happens.My other siblings have families ,friends ,social lives,reasons to live ,not exist,it confounds me,as to why I still struggle to maintain any relationships,no hope of a social life,stuck indoors regressing,knowing it.AS i have always known, I am one apart,not by choice,is it worth continuing in this way?Every avenue i turn down ,is closed,everywhere i look people are using others to gain ground,or manipulate,or to take their animosity out on,somethin that is foreign to me ,should i be more like them?The question is,am i capable of such behaviour,and at what cost.I cannot feel more rejected,the world does not get any colder than it feels NOW,little comfot in principles,keep on finding myself with people who use /abuse my good nature,and who have interest only in their own gain.There is a gaping black hole in my future,and ,in this darkness ,it is nigh on impossible to see anything rationally.So much wasted time,all this hurt,what to do with it,i cant repress it all,it has to be exorcised somehow,it is now after 2 o clock in the morning,still stressed,still anxious,dead end.No wonder no-one reads this ,its hardly sunshine and roses,the truth rarely is.Needed to get this out of my head,just to see it is real,too real,too much emotional baggage,nothing to take its place.[does anyone ever feel this wasted,empty,used?]PEACE.Dave.s

faith

I dont think another look back,will help,in my present situation,so i need to look at how i percieve things now/in the future.SO far,things that I had hoped for have not worked out,so how much longer do i continue to beat myself up?My decision to leave a network,is based on complete indifference, and my self -destructive nature [frustration].The more i made it obvious ,the less positive feedback i got,not conducive to my mental wellbeing,another potential resource lost,with good reason.Others have made it clear i am not welcome,with a domino effect on possibilities,all locked doors,not due to me,but i know people have had words,behind my back.It would seem there is no forgiveness in my life ,once i am judged ,without a balanced decision,thats me lost.Having been judged so often,tiresomely,i make it a point of mine to not judge others,all my decisons have been in good faith,and with others best interests at heart,says it all.It is hard to see things clearly ,reeling in the wake of recent events.There appear to be brick walls in my way,no matter what i do,i set out to help others ,its as simple as that,given the chance i am still going to do just that,despite no-one seeming to have any interest in either my efforts ,or health.Struggling to find a positive thing in all this ,not what i set out to do.Istill have my beautiful dog Sheba,my family,a home, despite all this ,i still respect myself,i know how hard all this is, yet i keep on trying,there is no choice,back to the drawing board ,where to go from here ,,is past my present state of mind,its back to small steps,this time too shall pass,trying to like myself,and not let others use my good nature against me.It seems a long way to go ,to end up in the same place 3yrs later .Just have to look at what good can come of this,treat it as a [harsh] lesson,and believe in myself even more than before ,steel myself ,and be strong,my recovery ,with or without friends,is my responsibility.PEACE.

HARD TIMES

Trying to think positively has been something that I have struggled with at all times.The last couple of years have seen me become more guarded and hurt by the deceit of some,the indifference of others.Soaking up all this pain,with the additional illness I fight ,is sometimes been a lot to ask.It would seem that others have little time ,or understanding for either,whether they believe it or not,I still fight with each minute,to regain some of my true spirit,the real me.I get very tired of being judged,but that is not my doing,it is others will,only I have the truth.All the resources I had are slipping away,but I remain optimistic that something will turn up.My hopes of company have been dashed,again ,others doing,I do not wish to be alone,things just never turn out right.It is true ,at least from my thoughts that I feel betrayed,it is still raw,the fact is ,no-one else is affected by this, it is an even deeper hurt ,because it isolates me more,and of no value.I do not believe anyone else feels the depth of distress that I go through.[do they?]If so why have I been deserted,and cut from contact from everyone?I know this will not last forever,how much longer can i fight this much distress.Its obvious from all this ,that my thoughts are still clouded by all the distress in my heart.I need to be understood ,and believed,surely we all need someone to be on our side?Here and now I hear silence ,and its not what I deserve ,I am better than that,this I do know to be true.I STILL BELIEVE IN ME.PEACE

I CAN HELP?

Well, not much left to say,only to hope I have learned something from all this intensity,self destructive thinking and stress.I am still the same person ,I understand I have not been well,but I remain resolute in my beliefs,and will always try to be considerate and compassionate toward others.There is still a big hole inside me,how to fill it ,is the problem,I will continue [or try to]to help others ,because it helps me,win-win.Where and how ,is difficult to envisage from my current predicament,but my heart is still deeply set on doing what I can ,anyone who will accept me/literally,I will help.Taking care of myself,is paramount,I can only do this with co-operation.Twenty years alone ,is enough for me,I deserve better now,thats just a fact.Heres wishing all a safe ,peaceful christmas,and look forward to more success for everyone,you deserve it,so do I.PEACE.

show me the way

There is no accounting for peoples behaviour,or judgement ,from my point of view,it is just bitter ,and one -sided.AS usual,it is a one sided affair,my side has been discredited, without so much as a word.I know the facts,which have been adhered to.The point of this ,is just to say ,that I know I have been honest with people,it is difficult to accept alienation in these circumstances,I can only control MY actions ,and withold my principles.These are the foundation of my behaviour ,and how I treat others ,I hope,with respect,honesty,and support who I can,in short ,be myself,in spite of recent events.The need to show that I am a valuable ,and open person,will always be a strong part of me ,it keeps me motivated.Justice is in short supply,it hurts me to see good people pushed aside for their transparency,its not a vice ,honesty should be celebrated.I have heard so much spin ,talked ,in the name of truth,empathy,and hope.Words can heal ,but actions ,and behaviour can reinforce this,as a tangible reality ,not a falsehood.The more open people are ,face to face ,the better we would understand each other,secrets only cover up the manipulative,aid the fake.This is a necessary process ,to get this clear in my mind exactly who is being truthful,is that too much to ask?Perhaps honesty is not lucrative enough,of little value,it does cost ,it IS worth it ,to me ,I have to live with my relationships[or lack of],most of all MYSELF.

its cold outside

This is a difficult,testing time ,but I still see some good coming out of it,although its a mystery,as to what.Seeing so many couples ,partners ,friends revelling in christmas ,just reminds me of my plight,more alone ,inside,still in trauma ,at the weekend,silent in my self,repressed.There are some forthcoming irons in the fire,nothing confirmed,and my feeling is ,to try ,but I cannot help feeling doubtful,just my negative state of mind.I really tried ,this year ,and I feel like I have been punished for it.It takes me so much time to trust,now its gone,where is there left?There are less people to contact ,now ,than ever,why?Perhaps I should join those who use and manipulate others ,they are rarely alone,honesty has cost me so much.How do I reconcile what has happened ,when it still haunts my nights,and confounds my senses?It feels to me as though there are no people who want to know me,in any close way,I cannot get back twenty years of emptiness ,being a spectator,judged ,still.Christmas at hand ,a trial ,I get myself motivated ,only to be passed by,another year older I see no change.My sense of humour bypass seems to have worked,perhaps if I could rid myself of all emotions ,it would help?I will still try to beat this thing,indifference,back stabbing,running out of people ,what now.Some are happy alone ,I need to express myself ,still wishing to help others,because I would not want anyone to go through this, this requires the help of others ,and someone having faith in me.Heres hoping all turns out in a positive way,it needs to be something to build on my waining confidence.PEACE.

REALITY BITES

Today ,I realised that over the course of the past two years,there has been little real progress,in fact ,I have regressed.I am still over sensitive,and the pain of losing confidence,and relationships,has set me back ,and it cuts deep.No-one seems to wants to know,I have pushed myself more than ever to help myself,I cannot do this alone.This blog ,has been a measure of my worth ,losing followers,even less comments,my anguish grows silently now ,no communication,the last thing I was aiming for.I do know that I am self destructive,maybe I have sabotaged my chances, without knowing it.My only reason for trying to reach out to others,has been to help myself, by helping others.My own self-worth ,does not exist,its been destroyed by duplicity,illness,and bad decision making.I have little to say,in the way of positive thinking,no-one reads this ,why bother?I have been judged from all sides,always losing out,so there is nowhere left for me to go.Those who dismiss my feelings ,and my heart,faith ,and authenticity,have gone,what price principles,perhaps no-one appreciates this,whats left?I see little point in having principles,yet being alienated,I hoped there were folk who would value these qualities,seems not.So many people,in recent times have called me clever,or in telligent ,does intelligence make you a pariah?Thers little structure in my postings,and this has mirrored my life,no point.No-one hears me anyway.PEACE.

TOO LATE?

How do I even start ,to describe my feelings,the constant physical pain is wearing me out.All the things I hoped for ,have been wrenched from my grasp,in one fell swoop.The so-called anti- depressants I am on ,are not making things any easier,and the few people I used to know have dissapeared.Left ,in my home,not wanting to go out,having no -one to discuss anything of meaning with.A bleak scene,and a dark picture ,this paints,I see no light ,just deep distress,the feeling of having my dreams ripped away from my hands.I try to compensate for others illnesses,and their reactions to my words/actions,its just that my mind is clouded by pain ,confusion,and utter despair,no-one seems to want to understand,the effect this has on me.Its such a long road,with very little to show for my efforts,it has drained me mentally and physically ,to my nadir,a brick wall.Whatever I try, it turns against me,I cannot see a way out[does anyone understand this]doors closing in my face,I see no positives here.I feel no pleasure doing anything,the world has lost its colour,just want to sleep all the time,classic symptoms of depression ,I know.This will be hard going for others to read,little hope I just needed to exorcise it ,put it here out of my head,just to see that its real.PEACE

silent running

Those who know me [0],will know that I am a inherently emotional man,too much so.The intensity of these emotions is leaving me in utter despair,self loathing,just because I crave company.PERHAPS i EXPECT TOO MUCH OF OTHERS,or that is ,too little,the end result seems to be ,more misery.How do I temper these painful feelings ,so that I can cope with these distressing outbursts?Difficulty here being,I am too close ,to detach myself, and be rational.Today ,is such an example,rejection ,is something which cuts me to the quick,having only a few contacts , I try to be careful when trying to befriend someone,not careful enough ,it would seem.Never be fooled by those who would have you believe they are totally open,or is it just me that gets taken in.The end result ,leaves me hurt ,cynical, and not a little bitter,not qualities I value in myself,but still present .Two years ago ,I was just starting to come out of my shell,opening up,expressing my experiences,perhaps thats where I belonged?No, I cannot be that person again,no matter how I FEEL NOW ,IT WILL PASS.Where I go ,who knows,its a daunting pros,lots of doors have closed ,there must new ones to explore,right now I am tired of deceit ,lies and cold people who claim to care ,back to isolation.

trepidation

This time I have to look at the good things in my life,even in this bleak time ,there is much to be grateful for.The slow process of learning who I am, valuing my attributes,my own good qualities,I am still as open and compassionate as anyone I know.Even if no-one else can see it,I know my heart is good ,my spirit willing,and that I do care about others,perhaps too much.Instead of looking at my failings,it will help me to see the good in me.Frustrsating as things seem ,I know that patience will get me through this hard time.Blame, has never solved any problem,when the heart of it is within myself.Trusting others ,is a bugbear of mine ,a constant paranoia of deceit,and lies.The issue seems to be around sharin,or rather lack of it ,I give of myself,completely,and others never have,breeding mistrust,mystery is one thing ,duplicity ,another.Back to positive matters,I still have realistic dreams,something to live and grow for.It is an ever steeper learning curve,painful,in many instances,but vital.There are many good folk that have helped me, in my times of trouble,both wisely ,and compassionately,they are always highly valued.So ,all the trials ive endured ,have not been wasted,there is always an up side,the balance ,is way out, though.I try to see the good in people,its just so difficult to,I am very guarded now,so many have deceived me it is a slow process.Whats the point of all this introspection,I wish there was a definitive answer,but,no,its a cathartic process,I just hope others can see something in all this emotive writing[does anyone know what all this mean anything]if so I have achieved something,another positive.

thank you for being a ?

Funny old week,doesnt rain ,it pours,losing out ,in all ways,still dont know why.I do not lie to friends,I never take advantage ,yet I feel the guilty one,until now.It is not my mistrust, or my doubts that are in question here ,yet I have paid ,again,for what?There is so much wrong in my life ,maybe it is my fault, am I such an offensive person that no- one ,anywhere wants to have me as a friend?Within my own perceptions,truthfully ,I know my motives for wanting company ,are all genuine,no deception ,it is not my way.Having been alienated,it is just another vindication of my cynical outlook.When do I start to realise that no-one wants to know?There arent any answers ,which is perplexing,how to find solutions ,my belief in myself ,is still strong.How do I find so many apathetic people,cries of anguish yet nothing but silence,so much of it.I am aware of others feelings ,try to be sensitive,compassionate,decent,it confounds me,what more can I do?Yet folk turn their back on me in droves,my illness is not a curse,it is a small part of my whole.There is little else to say ,except that ,rejection is so often a part of this life,and it is wrong to hurt others,for their devotion to empathy,and honesty.I will never turn away people despite being hurt countless times,I know I am worthy of friendship,it still eludes me,no idea where I go from here ,alone or not,in this apathetic world,I still care ,and will speak up when injustice prevents the good of us from being ourselves.If that is wrong,then I AM TOO.I will not be prevented from living my life,I deserve to be treated as a decent ,caring person.

Dont lose that number.

Taking this year,as a measure,of managing my illness ,it has been hard work ,with nothing to show but grief.Doors are closing people are dissapearing, it has been a devastating time .When no-one believes you ,you are totally alone,what next?Its funny,everyone wants to know you when things are working out ,when you REALLY need them ,you are left out in the cold.It seems no-one can put up wth me,my truth, empty cries into space,its utterly despairing.SO I now know that there is little honour in being a gentle compassionate human being.All the pain,and cold hearted people i have found ,am i a magnet for the ones who use decent ,vulnerable poeple.So my support is totally non-existant.PEOPLE have chosen to ignore my position, and i am powerless to reverse this.i AM NOTgiving up ,I came to a point ,where i was about to delete this blog ,and disconnect any contact,too late .Things dont improve, I keep on digging deeper ,whatever people think I know I am doing my best,no matter what other parties think.If no-one else has faith in me ,i do.

ROCKET SCIENCE

I find it hard to understand so called PROFESSIONALS,fail to see when someone is in distress,despite the fact that it is me ,who has put myself out ,in the torrential downpour,soaking me.No basic knowledge of what to look for ,when someone is starting to panic, instead ,all i got ,was blanked,do i turn invisible when i walk into a room?Funding ,in these charities ,takes precedence over people ,defeats the object,of their being there,someone is missing the point.It is wrong ,that charities have to take the reins in mental health instances,but money is their priority so how come paid staff dont see something that is so obvious,when i can?I go to show support ,and i get backs turned on me,it does annoy me ,when decent folk ,are not given basic acknowledgement of their prescence.The most common problems are surrounding confidence,and feeling valued,speaking personally.It makes me ill ,to think of all the effort I put in ,for no reward,why should I?I GAIN NOTHING,AND COME BACK HOME FEELING UTTERLY DEJECTED.It is heart-breaking, to think that valuable people,are not given the simplest of treatment,which any human being deserve.Am i too sensitive,well sue me for it,it is a gift ,and an important part of me,it stays.There ,i have said my piece,Idoubt anything will change,the wrong people are running these facilities,as a result ,many people are left out in the cold.And no ,I have not given up on forming a self-help group/social, for people who feel the need for support ,company,or friendship.This just makes me more sure it is needed,for the good of others ,not cash ,or power.I will just end ,by saying that,there are good hearted people out there,make sure that these people KNOW,their true worth,they are too rare ,so cherish them ,as I do.PEACE

UNDERSTANDING

Seems to me,that all this anguish ,is lack of understanding,i do what i can ,but have finite limits,i still need co-operation.I am aware that some cope well alone ,or with a small circle of friends,I have hobsons choice,isolation,and self destruction,or mix with people who are detrimental to my health.I am also aware ,that this site is not the most cheerful ,or poetic,or interesting,my fault.I do know that it is the truth ,from my standpoint,it may be difficult ,at times ,as i can be,isolation does me no good,i feel blamed for being ill.Who ,given a chance,would choose to be excluded from work ,relationships and all the other things that others seem to forget they have ,when judging me.People do not seem to take in ,the fact ,that company ,does not mean computer chat lines ,but real people,face to face ,human beings, not cold type face.This is why i feel this way,the truth might be ,that i am not of enough importance to them.I do appreciate contact,there are good people on internet sites,there is no blame attached here,simply the situation as it is NOW.Perhaps I should not have ventured out at all ,then I WOULD NOT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS,CARRYING ON AS A RECLUSE ,but i did ,and now things are not working out,it is crushingly dissapointing.This BLOG, is the reason I am still expressing my thoughts/feelings,at times it is my only means of communication.All this really boils down to ,is the need to communicate feelings,and find others who understand them.Still struggling with both.The outlook ,to me,is bleak,too long has passed for me to just get back into things as they were before.Ihope the so-called charity who instigated this character assisination,has shame,because I know they have hurt many ,and just let them go,like so much disposable cattle.They will not win ,no matter how much this hurts[still]their turns are coming in due course.I can get through this,God knows how,but it will happen,even if it feels to me, like a lone stand, I will stand tall ,knowing i have right ,on my side,compassion as my guide ,and love in my heart,no-one will take my true qualities away.I do believe i can do better, given the circumstances,it is all there is to say.

twice shy

How things can change[sic]in one year,just over a year ago,i was progressing ,feeling more confident,growing ,in all positive way,had lots of support,felt needed,useful,kept busy.In short,things finally seemed to be turning around,aseries of ,er,unfortunate events conspired to put all this on hold,i still get angry ,because i find myself regressing to my former self.One thing I said I would never happen.All the old thoughts come flooding back,still feel alone in this shell,tired ,is this all there is?Even my arthritis seems worse, i feel i have no-one on my side,are these just perceptions?If that is so ,why cant I turn them around?There seem so many negatives,i need other people to bounce off,to share experiences ,finding new ways to cope,confidence is a limiting factor,I need to get some backHOW?I know there are no definitive answers,that would be too easy.DONT KNOW,how this all sounds to anyone,IT is meant as a release,purely theraputic,hopefully someone,somewhere will understand my plight.i HAVE TO KEEP ON TRYING TO WORK THIS THROUGH.It is not all bad news ,there are some new irons in the fire,but i remain reluctant to count on anything,once bitten.............

ONE IN THE MORNING

It is ONE in the morning,no sleep,simply not right,it is wearing me out .Constant low moods ,coupled with anxiety,are not acceptable, I cannot focus ,or keep up the fight with depression,and ,have no sleep,it is no use to me .The dog is unsettled, i am getting more annoyed with this constant disruption,it is affecting my progress,I am really putting effort into everything, its just not happening.Most of the issues are related to,me,not being able to relax,allowing bad habits to return.I know ,through past experience,things do turn,its just that I am right in the densest ,darkest of worlds in my minds eye. Why i punish myself, is the main question , I have no qualms about my actions,or indeed my principles. I ignore the abuse, testily ,yes, but it is done,what is there left?I do try to see others points of view,not judging,or having a closed mind.I am at a loss as to what to do next.All the CBT,in the world will not solve this.Circles,just another vicious circle, and one that continually ,flummoxs me,why am I still in this situation,everyone else has gotten ,jobs ,new friends, different lives, me I am still in this black hole.Am i stuck in a rut ,is it ill fortune,or bad judgement,what?Sorry ,if this sounds so dour it is truth,not pretty, or aspirational,it is what it is.IT WOULD SEEM THAT i AM AT MY WITS END.I would dearly love to be part of a group of friends,to share my thoughts with,never happened.My intentions for the group are still alive,barely,not the most patient person i know,ITS BEEN SO LONG.It is still in the far distance,like the dream ,you keep on running toward your goal,and it stays the same distance away.No clever way out of this ,i will say that I appreciate the help i have had from others,it must be me beating myself with a big stick again.PEACE TO YOU ALL [AHEM]HOP YOUR WEEKEND IS PLEASANT.

dire

There once was a man ,so alone, who pondered on why he dropped like a stone.Every time he went out,was ignored ,by all but louts.So he stayed in ,waiting for the ring of the phone.

a short story

At this point ,I thought that I should give folks some background on my illness,and how I came to this stage in my life.As a five year old ,I recall standing ,adrift from everyone ,alone ,different,no idea why.This feeling of being seperate from all others , still lingers in my mind,at this very moment.I seemed to feel inferior to others ,as a result,thats how they treated me.I had a close friend, who was a loyal ,creative person, exceptionally talented,and driven in his ambition.It suited me ,to stand in his shadow,less stressful,and I got to meet some vey different accepting people.A marked contrast to the ignorance to my former experiences[and , incidentally ,right now.]In my teens I was in a constant state of anxiety,and painfully self conscious,then ,the real problems began.Having no idea of who I was,it was clear that,in my mind no female would ever want me[still dont],I saw no reason to live ,if it was alone.When my only friend left ,to pursue his [very successful]career,it only served to reinforce my fears.After being forced out of school,by scumbags bullying me ,I was bereft,my worst fears had come true,truly alone.Then, a series of attempted suicides followed which all failed miserably[duh],and a series of breakdowns treated by medication ,and little else,no -one sat me down , and told me these were ordinary emotions,or how I could counteract them,and that they were not MY fault.Fast forward to the present day, those thoughts of being worthless,being rejected,are not in the forefront of my mind,they still lurk in the darker recesses of my mind ,only to pop up at the worst moment,and haunt me.Many times I sought out the wrong crowd ,demeaning,abusive,and ignorant ,the only people i knew.This only served to worsen my condition.Through some self education ,and some wonderful people,some of whom are still supporting me,I began to realise I was a good person,and through my experiences,could contribute,and help others.I am no in a better position to gain ,at least some,perspective.It is an ongoing process I need to constantly remind myself ,that I AM a decent ,worthy ,valuable person People can be cruel ,but I now know ,that I choose how I feel about me ,I dont control their actions,or thoughts.This has been a brief coverage of some of the watershed moments in my life .It is a tiny part of the whole picture,and I hope it has shed some light on why I am who I am.

priorities

A few weeks ago,my mother was rushed into hospital,with fluid on the lungs,caused by heart problems.Everything changed, my world went into a daze,and it all seemed pointless.When Mum gradually got better I became more myself,but i am still not completely at ease.This has been brought home ,once again,as Mum is ill again ,now I start to regress to that awful time before.This is not the best news,i was hoping this posting would be more upbeat,but i have to tell things as they are.I do know,that people out there ,care,and will support me ,even if its via this resource.With some fortune,this time we can avoid a repeat,and things will turn out well.The first reason I had intended this blog to appear ,was because it was not getting many comments.Now,that seems petty,the things that DO matter have been made clear,in an all too painful way.My own mental health issues have been shelved[priorities]at this time .I do need to continue with the plans that have developed,to retain some kind of normality,a distraction from my own problems.My reasons for beginning this BLOG were mainly theraputic ,but also to join the blogging community,and feel a part of something.I have never claimed to be wise ,or bright,or even qualified,I am only an ordinary person ,learning to live with, what sometimes seem like endless challenges.It is always a conflict , to me , a constant battle,always trying to see the good in others ,despite setbacks, I remain resolute in my beliefs ,and my need to continue to help people ,if at all possible, is still of paramount importance,especially now.So ,if anyone does read this,let others knnow ,if ou can think of anyone who needs such support,please,inform them,and I will be eternally grateful.

FILLING THAT HOLE

nOW THAT i HAVE BEGUN TO PUT THE WHEELS IN MOTION.[ALBEIT WITH NOT A LITTLE HELP]RE:THE SELF HELP GROUP,I FEEL A SENSE OF PURPOSE.I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD HAVE THE COURAGE TO START SUCH A THING,INITIATE IT,IT JUST NEEDS PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR NEEDS TO MAKE THAT FIRST STEP.I HAVE LACKED SUPPORT,DIRECTION AT THE WEEKENDS,ALWAYS AT MY WORST.IT IS THEREFORE APPARENT,THERE IS A GENUINE NEED FOR THIS RESOURCE.THE PAST YEAR HAS BEEN A HARD ONE,LOSING MY IDENTITY,MY STUCTURE,REGRESSING ME BACK TO THAT DARK PLACE.SEEMS THIS WAS A DOWNHILL SLOPE,WITH NO BRAKES,WITHOUT ANY WAY BACK.BUT AMONGST ALL THIS PAIN,THERE WAS A TINY RAY OF LIGHT,POKING THROUGH THE DARKNESS.AN IDEA,JUST A NEED TO HELP OTHERS ,AND MYSELF,A REAL NEED TO FOLLOW A PATH THAT I KNOW IS RIGHT FOR ME.THE HEARTENING THING,IS THAT ,SUPPORTIVE,DECENT PEOPLE,HAVE THE BELIEF IN THIS ,TO GIVE ME SOMEREAL HELP/ADVICE ,THIS IS PRICELESS TO ME,SO BLESS THEM FOR THEIR FAITH.THE FUTURE STILL SEEMS UNSURE,BUT NOW I HAVE SOME GOALS,AND A NEED TO BE USEFUL.ALL THIS ,IS JUST MY WAY OF EXPRESSING GRATITUDE,AND A NEWFOUND HOPE ,I NEVER FORESAW ANY OF THIS,BUT I AM NOT LETTING THIS IDEA FADE INTO NOTHING.IT BURNS BRIGHTLY INSIDE ME ,MORE THAN AN IDEA , A SYMBOL OF MY OUTLOOK ,AND SELF BELIEF, A FUTURE WITH BRIGHTNESS,HOPE ,REALISTIC HOPE.ANYONE COULD DO THIS,IT IS A QUESTION OF FINDING A VOID ,AND FILLING IT WITH RESOURCE,SOMETHING TO REPLACE MY SELF DESTRUCTIVE NATURE.I AM TRYING TO TURN THINGS ROUND,SLOWLY ,WITH DETERMINATION,THINGS WILL PROGRESS,IT HAS TO HAPPEN.I DO BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

PASSIONS

This posting ,is a break from all the analysis, and introspection,it will focus on my passions.During the course of my life ,there have always been constants.The main one being music,the other motorcycles,equally loved ,they are in my heart ,and spirit .Music ,as I have eluded to earlier,is my rock ,faithfully picking me up ,when I fall,sometimes bringing forth the tears.It still excites me ,makes me smile ,and moves me in every day life, colouring the grey days,when they seem infinite,giving me hope.Even as a sickly child, isolated at home ,my radio ,was my constant companion,a discovery,an adventure of sound,and new emotions.It remains my faithful friend ,always with me ,in my hour of need.Motor cycles came later on ,gave me freedom,a spirit of adventure ,independence,and focus.When I am in that zone ,all else is forgottenmy wories dissapear,the only thing that matters ,is picking clean lines out on the tarmac,unwinding ,like a ribbon.The purity,and simplicity of this experience is Zen like ,nothin else invades your thoughts,pure bliss.As in music,I still am excited and enthralled by all things motorcycling, a therapy,and a self -esteem builder,simple things,not intellectual,or academic,mostly solitary,yet joyous.It is impossible to adequately do justice to this state of ONENESS,when out on the road.Both of these two pleasures bring me equal satisfaction,music ,memories ,emotions,motorcycles freedom,a sense of responsibility.I am fortunate to have these priceless tools ,both worth their weight in gold [and more]aiding my health ,in every way,they mean everything to me,LONG MAY THEY KEEP ON DOING SO.

new mentalhealth resource,in the making.

Tthis is just an explanation of what I am seeking to achieve in my new venture,re;the groups,of mutual help groups.They will be informal,friendly,non-judgemnental and relaxed,in the stoke-on -trent area.IT would be in a social context,a CHANCE FOR PEOPLE TO TALK OVER IDEAS,in a democratic,relaxed atmosphere.All people are welcome ,it is their time ,we will take on board all ideas,with equal importance.These meetings would be taking place ,firstly at the weekends,as I sense a real need for people with mental health problems,to have contact ,empathy , and some real support from like minded people.As other services are closed at this time,their is a real need for some resource ,for a safe ,non-judgemental enviroment.

HELP NEEDED

Looking back,at a certain point in my life,I said to myself,that if I had no partner by 30yrs old ,I WOULD TAKE MY OWN LIFE.Now ,at 48yrs old,there is only me ,never has been anyone,it seems irrelevant,I still have dreams,most are ghosts,in the past.My present plans are centred around setting up some kind of mutual support group,for people with similar problems to me,general mental health matters.I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC ,as yet ,no structure ,or plan,but the will is there.I have had little appropriate help at the necessary time,so I have to find help myself,no matter how ,or where.Any support, or knowledge from others ,is much appreciated, I believe that it can be done ,if enough people have the need for support ,company,and help,then I will do my best to come up with whatever is appropriate. I can only do my best , I KNOW NOTHING OF THE FORM THIS WILL TAKE,but will do all I can to help, in anyway possible.The heart ,will ,and spirit is in me ,but I Will need any help ,or thoughts,from more knowledgeable people,whereverI CAN GET IT.This is only an exploratory toe in the water ,to gauge peoples needs Any opinions will be gratefully received,I am willing to learn,listen,and take on board any formats, suggested.This is a very scary thing for me to embark on ,but it needs to be done,for my own welfare.I must stress,this is strictly voluntary,funds are not involved,so as not to corrupt the spirit of this venture.Right now ,there is only me ,and a need to keep well ,and help whoever I can.If anyone reads this ,and sees a real need, for a genuine supportive, friendly ,but confidential meeting of some kind,please contact me,via this website, or on facebook,DAVID SMITH, Profile.I will be only too happy to help,no-one will be judged,or dismissed,all are accepted and welcomed warmly.As this is only in embryo, here and now,Iknow I must be patient, but I know I CAN DO THIS.I will be willing to give of myself ,my own experience, and my real need to contribute to people who have been through similar situations[no support,or hidden agendas]Wish me well ,and I will endeavour to put myself 100%,mind,body, and spirit into this vocation,with the best possible intentions,PEACE IN YOUR HEARTS,Yours in sincerity,DAVE.S

have a heart

The real problem I have ,here and ,now,is sleep,none.It exacerbates the irritation,pain,and depression in me ,and I do not seem to break the vicious circle.Over the last year ,I have gone from co-ordinator/volunteer worker for a charity I trusted,to, now ,being treated as a stupid nothing ,all the time I contributed to this cause ,it built my self-worth,value ,and gave me purpose.For the only time in my life,I felt that I belonged ,how wrong I was.Once again ,there are only empty promises .in the distant future. How cold this place can be ,the people pass by ,barely noticing I am there,not feeling the empty hole ,inside me .This piece,is just another fragment of the tortured empty soul.that once laughed,as a boy ,dreamed of being so many things,all fallen by the wayside,still more to come.I know,some of this is dark,yes,my thoughts are dark too.The light must soon be here,it is only a matter of time.I n the shadows ,there is a flicker of hope,always hope,it springs eternal?Where has everyones faith in me gone,do I not breathe ,live ,laugh ,cry,need and seek warmth,from this sterile world.No different than anyone else,I crave company ,affection,love,is this wrong?I believe not,I know it is human,sensitive,and decent ,to be me,it is also painful ,alone,silly,pointless,and so much more.If you see me ,give me a smile ,and you will get one,know me a call,it would warm this no-ones heart.

UNLIMITED

Being misunderstood,or just plain ignored,is nothing new to me.I can cope with so much of this treatment,the thing which hurts me,is people having no faith in me.It seems I am not the person [in their eyes]that I know I AM INSIDE.This has been the cause of much consternation on my part,frustration ,leading to depression,isolation[i feel useless],and low expectations.Being this way,has repressed my creativity, for fear of reprisal,leading to stagnation,and deeper introspection,which,trust me,in my case ,is a bad thing.Now I am beginning to see ,that it is up to me to break free of these small minded limits ,placed on me by others,and be who I know I can be.People will always look down on me .but I realise that ,this is their mistake ,NO-ONE,will prevent me from living my life ,doing what I am here for ,there is something strong and powerful ,inside me which has lain dormant ,it is time to free myself,and open new horizons.The bigots who mock me will lose out ,because I am sure that I am a bigger person than they would have me believe.My passions will come to the fore,music,motorcycles[dissaprovalfrom all],and writing,I will get better [honest]To be the real me, will be a celebration,right now ,i do not see the light ,so I will have to bludgeon my way through this darkness ,however difficult it may be.I am no longer the apologetic ,shadow in tthe corner,IT IS TIME.BRING IT ON.

another brick in the wall

The only thing I have ever tried to achieve,during recent times,is understand ,and empathise .Quite patently ,it has not happened,i have only imbued apathy,and discontent.So ,I,have been transported back three years,despite meeting hundreds of people,and doing my best in ,sometimes difficult situations,it has ,simply put,failed .People tell you to be yourself ,honest,right will out,in theory,yes ,practice,things are worse now ,I cannot be anyone else ,so I am at a loss where to go next .Brick walls growing taller ,and closer,trapped ,why,perhaps this is my destiny,I cannot trust, because I am not trusted.My confidence has been severely dented,my patience has dissapeared,and others are being left ,because of my frustration.I had such high hopes,they are nowhere,there is a long protracted silence,painful,ever worse as the days pass .Blame is easy ,here,who will see my side ,understand my illness ,it is not me.Truly at this point ,if it were up to myself ,I would not be here to criticise.For some reason ,I still exist ,so I must do my best to dig ,until the light appears,I have no choice but to progress ,because of the apathy , and blame culture ,surrounding me.The only thing I regret ,is that I trusted unscrupulous people,which has set me back,wrongly,done now.I will never look for sympathy,or favour,you can take me ,or leave me ,because I KNOW,a good heart beats inside of me ,I believe in me ,and ,whether or not people care about me i dont control.I have to get through this,alone or not ,it is destiny,the truth hides ,all I see NOW,black[i keep on digging.

relentless

There is no way out ,no doubt,whats this despair,when you do not care ,anymore.The boring part ,is my heart is broken ,never awoken ,by the intimacy of love ,in the cold light of day ,why wont the darkness go away?I now know I can leave the despair ,the agony ,thats inside of me ,only if I pay the ultimate price.I must admit ,it ,seems about time I RELENTED,I have done my best to be good to others ,honest ,cared,spared others my vitriol,treasured my spirit ,soul,tried to understand,just a black hole .This pain is unfair ,too much to bear ,I do care,so why hurt me ,always,hurt me ,solitary confinement iss a bit draconian,for being a person seeking affection ,a man,not a beating post.They shoot horses dont they,why am I still here,where all heart says let me go,no.End it ,who would know ,care ?This is a cry for help ,falling on deaf ears ,as always as the tears fall ,inside ,cold,unheard.

so what happens now?

This ,is one of my darker moments[familiar story?]having been put on medication,I now feel worse,a short term fix ,was how it was put,no such thing.It would seem ,no matter which approach I take,it has been misread ,or gone wrong,a no-win situation.Increasingly,I am becoming more frustrated,angry,and despairing,and I cannot seem to get through to anyone,how sick I am,I have run out of options ,when these moods draw a veil over my rationale.It is an empty,hopeless pain,compounded by my inability to communicate it.My prison is closing in on me ,and I feel the cold slamming of the door behind me.The progress I had made,has been reversed,I said that I could never revert to my former self,but I cannot seem to halt the process.People have said ,that it will change soon,not in my experience,the slightest word will destroy me inside,its all too close to me to see.I have seen others make good pogress,Iam the forgotten one,still here,still stagnant ,knowing that I am better than this.Not much use,if only I believe it,and even that is coming into question.I am beginning to think that this journey has been me,watching everyone else move on.Why else would I be up at 3am.I have to make it clear ,that these are my personal issues,I just wish I could be more positive,but i must remain true to myself.

its[not] the end of the world aas we know it

It doesnt get any easier,I feel a sense of loss,almost as if I cannot sustain a relationship,without it going wrong.NO,thats it ,not almost ,truly,am I such a bad person that I deserve no relent from this constant feeling of emptiness?Am i trying too hard,and I do keep trying,it just seems self defeating ,when the same end result occurs.I am nothing ,if not dogged in my efforts to get out there,and make a difference,if only I could get the chance.Indifference ,it seems ,is the enemy,lack of passion ,or compassion,or just bloody world weariness[cynicism].When does this hollow pain inside me ,become something people realise,is a need to create ,grow,help others,for no other reason ,than ,I want no-one else to go through this [NOTHING]I am.Current events ,seem to reinforce my thoughts on my dealings with others.I have ,and always will mean to harm no-one ,I HAVE BEEN THERE,as many others have.I strive to move on ,in my meagre way,its hard going,does it ever get any easier?Now my sleep patterns are more disturbed than ever,whats left?I am in a constant state of teetering off the edge of a cliff,I keep looking at the waves below,unsure whether or not ,to finish this charade.AM I kidding myself?Will I always be struggling for the unnatainable,in my empty shell?NO,its not the end of the world for us all ,I just feel my whole life is a sham,who is real ?

legion

I,am the product of much misunderstood thinking,that of others,and myself.There is no ONE cause for this feeling of desolation, many factors create it.Others abuse ,and neglect of my worth, caused me to come to the conclusion, perhaps they were right.Of course ,this is nonsense,those bigots, are merely ignorant ,and afraid of what they do not [or care not to]understand,,I challenge their preconceived notions, this unsettles them,so they lash out.The reality,is that widespread ignorance[the media]and the mob mentality, creates a false picture of those of us courageous to be ourselves[at a cost],especially when we are victimised for it.Being punished , for being open ,and for being different ,is something I do not understand.We should celebrate our differences, we are all part of one race ,the human race.In my [involuntary]isolation,I have realised that my opinions are as valid a s anyones[more so than some,at least I have some]The so called "normal" people in this world ought to think before they pass judgement on those of us with genuine difficulties.The good news ,is that we are not alone,more and more people with similar issues,are becoming wise ,self -educated,and learning to deal with this ignorance.Isolation ,is a concept ,not a reality, there will always be like-minded souls ,willing to share their knowledge,experiences ,and empathy.If ,like me ,yyou are having trouble finding such folk ,do not despair,you can, and will.PEACE

TRUE COLORS

No-one writes me off,as if I have disappeared,there is a lot of deception and judgement in this world.I have survived more than my share of injustice, and hypocrisy.Lots of people seem to think that they are superior ,and can use me as part of their "game",of which jealousy is a big part.I KNOW ,that I am capable of More than I have been given credit for[more than they will ever know]TRUE COLORS]Things will change,because I will make them,others may ,or may not like it ,it will STILL happen.Too much pain,despair,hopelessness,black emptiness,I deserve, and will get better,my limits are stretched beyond reason,all I perceive around me ,is indifference, am I even here.I will speak as I find,it is all I know how to do, the RIGHT thing.I refuse to let people hurt me anymore,I was too easy a target for the manipulators.Of course my illness has not helped at this timeI despair of those who use this against me,it sickens me .I am still the same ,compassionate ,creative ,warm and caring man I WILL ALWAYS BE .But I will not be someones lapdog,or a shadow of someone elses success,or their whipping boy,I AM TOO GOOD FOR THAT.PEACE.Dave.s

enough

Too ill,and empty to carry on ,this will be my last posting for now,cannot say if i will return.

how long

I will not apologise for writing this ,it is too close for me to deal with alone ,soI have to write it down.The black moods ,and deep sense of isolation ,that I feel,are getting too painful for me to continue coping with.Yes , I have contacts on the websites ,nothing here ,and it is proving too much.I keep on fighting this despair,cannot do it .I will probably be judged for this ,but it is my heart being broken,agonisingly.Everyone else seems to find a way ,I do not see any.This is the toughest time I have ever gone through,and i dont deserve any more alienation,or pain. i know this.

support,and health

tHIS PAST WEEK,has been a trial of strength ,patience,and my own perceptions.Thankfully IT is past,at least for the present,and I can start to rebuild my mental health.Over the last few months ,my health has gotten worse ,both physically ,and trust -wise, with others ,along with black moods which have blighted any attempts to help myself.One step forward, two steps back,so no progress so far .I will not be deterred from continuing on my way toward my goals this is a setback ,not an end.The messages I have been sent from so many dear people,and support from friends,I will never forget,it has galvanised my determination,so THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.Having virually watched helplessly,with my M other dying [as I thought]in front of my eyes,it has been a traumatic time,and my own health has uffered as a result.The bond between myself , and my parent is a powerful one ,which is now even stronger through this time.My trust of others has suffered, because of my perceptions of their words ,actions, and attitudes.Which I am now realising were purely my own misinterpretations.I have not quite learned to be less harsh on myself,which is something i have not yet developed.The learning curve is a steep one,but not unsurmountable,so I will continue to fight this conflict within myself,now knowing that I am not a alone as before.A positive with which to take heart.

PAIN

Pain,as I see it has two basic forms:mental,and physical,mental, being mental ill health[depression,anxiety,paranoia.Physical being caused by all manner of things,accidents,illness,arthritis,etc.My current problem,is the latter,mental distress,the real difficulty with this,is that a pain killer will not work,nor does the despair relent in a short time.I am at a loss as to how to diminish my current issues ,isolation ,loss,and,a feeling of rejection[which I am only too used to],it is gathering momentum,and I am unable to stop it.This is compounded by arthritis,and spinal problems,which seem to set one another off.My constant state of introspection,does not help,as I know I am self-destructive.Trying to be rational,without an impartial view from someone ,is an impossibility,so I must put up with this torment,until ,I can end it,have no idea how,but I will not be able to stand it much longer.I simply see it all fading away.Do people not see how hard I am trying ,just to survive?

sad ,but true

This is what I GET ,FOR GIVING ALL OF MYSELF,HELPING WHO I CAN,AND DOING MY ABSOLUTE BEST.I have never put in more effort to help myself,and I am ,at best an also ran,in someone elses shadow.Where are friends ,when I need someone to talk to ,in person,company,unless I make the running ,no-one bothers.NOT good for my self-esteem,which is eroding with every minute,one person ,is on My side [mother],when she goes ,I will go too ,what point is there being where no-one cares whether I live or die.In short ,we exsist for each other,no more no,less.I am tired of being tolerant ,making allowances for others ,and paying for it.After 48yrs, I still have no-one who is willing to be there, when I need them the most.Which is why,at this moment,Mum is in hospital ,with me left alone,while all other are confiding in their friends,it is way too late to pretend that things will change now.I was there this morning ,there when my parent thought she was dying ,in the ambulance,at the hospital,left alone back at home to soak in the despair.Why make any effort ,all I get is overlooked.This is a dev astating time,who cares enough to sit with me ,and just be there /.....................................

EMPTINESS

As this is the only place left,where I can express my true feelings,then i shall do so.This year has been a disaster,and is getting worse,never thought i would be posting at three a.m.It is true to say,that my resources have all but disappeared,as well as being physically unwell,the people around me ,deem themselves judge and jury.I have been used ,and it is not good enough,left powerless to challenge,so must repress my feelings.For the first time in many years ,I found myself so desperate, all i had was floods of tears to console me.I cannot cut my emotions,until I FEEL NOTHING,i wish i could.I am fighting for my life here,because ,I truly dont believe ,this despair ,day in ,day out, is living,and I am so tired of trying to connect,and giving all ,getting emptiness.I have nothing left inside,I know I cannot live all my life without some closeness ,in it It is sad ,that the one place I can say this,is to a computer,not a person.I thought I had moved a long way in my recovery,not true,I put my trust,in people,who betrayed it ,it has damaged me too much.I can only see one way out ,and i thought i had those days behind,well they are back,regression.This only adds to my isolation,no-one wants to listen"I should know better",the fact is i should not be here at all,but I am to most peoples indifference,surely I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS?

being myself

I will try to be open about my feelings ,recently,theres been an imbalance in my life .I am insecure in my relationships,to the point of self destruction,and its not getting any better.I suppose that I should be thankful for any relationships,as everyone knows,they can be painful,and with a combination of a sequence of unfortunate coincidences,is pushing things to the brink.Trying to find some perspective in all this,is what I am lacking,a step back is important to see the reality.Patience is an ongoing theme in these posts,thats because,it is vital in my management of problems in everyday life.Instead of looking for people to let me down,I should be better to myself,take more care of myself,make sure my health is taken care of ,before worrying about others.People keep telling me ,I am too hard on myself,how do I stop that?Years of constant digs and chipping at my confidence,has left me almost believeing this ROT.I do know the truth,is so different,I now know ,that I am caring ,compassionate,decent,open -minded ,intelligent person.Yet ,I have to keep this forever in the forefront of my mind,while all this garbage is festering in the subconscious,only now ,has it been brought to the fore,causing all this misery,and anguish.Heres me ,thinking I had dealt with all these issues,and they come right back to haunt me.To try and put a positive spin on this,[heres the hard bit]I now know that I can go through all this ,yet still remain intact,re;I still have self respect,honesty, and compaassion.I am still here,better for it,another lesson learned.

dazed and confused

Today, has been a difficult one,confounded my senses,left me dazed and confused by events.You never know what to expect,routines are destroyed, friendships tested,and mental health challenged.What have I learned from this nonsensical mess?Never take anything for granted,appreciate what you do have ,and believe you are worth as much as anyone.I have been through the whole gamut of emotions,from optimism,anger,to despair and loss,and back again.The whole thing ,has to be forgotten,a nothing day,it has set me back years ,this last few weeks.I will keep trying,though I do not any logical reason why I should.I have no bloody choice, thats why, being me is not easy[wanna swap],at the same time ,there ar things i realise i am lucky to have .Why is it ,when you are in this fog of despair ,you cannot see them?I find no pleasure in anything at the moment,so it is a grey existence,this will not last forever,as I know from experience.The worst thing ,is these huge dips in mood,like falling into an abyss of hopelessness,yet you keep on clawing your way back up, inexorably until you begin to see some light.That point seems so far away,at this time.But small steps,eat up long journeys,and thats how my life is ,small steps,frustratingly so.Patience is a virtue,so they say,I dont feel very virtuos at the moment,who knows ,things might start to gell, as long as i stay stoical,and believe in myself.

managing

IF i know one thing ,its management of problems, is the realistic to recovery.NO easy two week plan ,or one drug.No "happy pill",which is why we have to find our own way to cope ,in day to day life.There will always be peaks and troughs,no-ones life ,is all positive,and happy,you are bound to have tough times.I am still having difficulty accepting the despair that is depression.There is a saying ,this time ,too will pass,nothing is permanent.However unbearable you feel things are ,you can come through them.Now ,is not a good time ,for me,so I will find it hard to see any good coming from my illness.I have been here before ,and will get through it ,doesnt feel like it ,didnt before,it will happen.The trouble ,is ,no two times are the same ,different problems,different solutions,feels like someone is testing us,forever changing our perceptions.And ..........breathe.These negative feelings can spiral,I just seem to allow this to happen,perspective is a good way of stopping this[talking to others,refocussing]if you can.Using hobbies,activities,reding ,music,art ,having friends who understand.Its about resources,building positve means ,to cope with the down times,still working on them,still hard,there are setbacks[now,for instance]just makes the good times more sweet.Living in the NOW,is never going to be all sunshine,nothing is.When the sun does come out,it is all the brighter,colours are brighter,life is good.Treasure these times,they are sometimes rare,but always better for it.

being ill

Last weekend ,I was feeling good ,because I had people to talk to ,and other places to be.The problems begin ,when you crave contact ,someone to connect with,and no-one wants to know.Is it a personal thing?/or is it just that folk have other places to be?I do know how it feels ,but how do I stop myself from making this an issue ,when i should know better?It all has to do with my past ,and the fact ,that I have never had many friends,my fear of losing what I have has me panicking[has it begun again]Over the last week or so ,it has become a real thorn in my side,causing anxiety,panic, and diminishing my confidence/self worth.This has affected my sleep ,perceptions,and what few relationships I have.Trust ,again,has come between me ,and my mental health,Idoubt this issue will ever be left in the past,where it belongs.What I need ,is a positive friendship,not just a phone call,someone who affirms my status,and is easy to access,YEAH,RIGHT,it is not going to happen.I also know that my physical health is getting worse too.I have to keep on trying,but it is dragging me down,right now.Ihave always felt that I am last on peoples list of priorities[is that me ?]and Iam not worthy of having a friend.Negative thinking,but I am not well ,as this posting reflects,hope everyone understands.

This ,for me ,is the subjectthat affected me ,totally,more than any other.When people think about themselves,how do they view this[literally].In my heart ,Iknow I am a loving worthy ,person.Outside ,and in the mirror,I hate myself ,to put it bluntly ,I am ugly[a fact not a perception.One reason ,why there is no picture of me, in this blog.I can truthfully say ,I am judged on this first,some,totally.When first realised this,it helped me understand why others treated[still do]me with contempt ,ridicule ,and hate.I have great trouble writing this blog ,it deeply hurts me ,in all ways.It is ,I am sure the reason no-one will get close to me [women],I have give of myself ,always opened my heart,and been as loving as I can.I AM alwya in the shadow of someone else.I do yearn to be close to someone,but I know ,it will never happen,and that saddens me .At present ,I keep on trying to be friends,and I am always at arms length .The way I look ,is not ,the real me ,however it HAS stifled my confidence,to virtually nothing.Some may say ,this is just a minor problem,it is constantly on my mind,and has ruined my life.Alienated me ,from those i believe i could have loved,thus now ,all i can see ,is loneliness, and a loveless life ,Iwill not anyone near to me ,because,i can never be as close as i believe i could be.I am not stupid,i realise this will not change,but i still cannot accept it.TONIGHT,it has hit me hard ,that i may die ,alone ,never having loved ,is it still worth living ,being permanently detached from others,when i am such an emotional person?When i crave real friendship,and affection,and it is not reciprocated?People can be very cruelto me ,none more so than myselfi do not believe that a life without close affection ,and love ,is worth living,I needed to write this post,because this issue affects all i do ,and how i see everyone around me.There is no conclusion,just acceptance,how do i expect others to accept me ,when i cannot accept myself?This really touches a raw nerve with meIhope there is someone out there who understands the devastating impact this has on me ,sometimes [as tonight]having me wish i would just go to sleep ,permanently,as the only way of real peace.Ido not blame others for their feelings,these are purely my personal issues.I HOPE,that you all are well,thank you if you have read through this,it may help you understand me more ,i hope so.

OPEN FLOWERS

Twilight dawns ,awake the dream ends.New starts are a choice.Positive and clear.Our minds will open,forgotten tears.A new day dawns ,afresh I begin to live again ,the healing thoughts strengthen we all fall back now ,then.New people ,new fears subside,this time ,no passenger,I am the rider.The petals open ,at last the truth, flowers flourish ,not weeds, I,am the proof!

small steps

Glad to be here,but i will try not to rush ,be myself,"small steps".Stay positive , i keep repeating[it might work]be consistent and stay open to situations.Thats a difficult thing,not wanting to push forward and progress,takes the edge off positivity.I AM FOREVER looking at past situations ,which ended in me hurt, because of my trust.See things in their true light ,not just from my angle.look at all sides.Do i chance trusting ,and risk getting indifference?too much ,pathways getting crossed in my mind,lack of focus.I cant say,nobody has all the answers ,that would be too easy.This weekend has been something of an epiphany,time will show whether good ,or bad.I am surprised by my support ,and resources,yet still cannot enjoy them,does history always repeat itself?There is no answer ,only questions from me ,am i deserving of friendship,happiness,contentment?I ,it can be i know others struggle with these issues,you are not alone,many people get hurt ,it can be turned around,persistence,and faith ,but some kind of self belief does,sometimes help.As you can tell, I am still holding my breath,waiting for the fall,but i will keep believing my future will open up,and the real me ,will emerge,the me I have always known exists,that open ,loving,serene,passionate,me nobody knows.

strange old world

Its a strange old world,I cannot figure it out,one minute it seems to be going smoothly,another ,it all disappears.Or is it just the way i perceive it?Lately ,my moods have been somewhat fraught,not even ,peaks and troughs.Patience,or lack of it ,is not helping my cause.Where do i find a balance,a comfortable compromise,it feels like i am stuck in concrete,stagnant,things move so slowly.There is so much indifference"better the devil you know",well ,NO,ineed to explore my abilities,why i am here.I just need a constant ,some kind of base,foundation ,to start from.Hello, that means trust[yes,again]the basis of my insecurities,and other mental health problems .I do keep trying ,it is so hard to trust others,when you keep taking the fall[it does hurt]suppose it is a case of "once bitten",times too many.If anyone understands this ,would you tell me?I now realise ,i do need more patience[oh noo],and i have to meet people half way,not expect them ,to take on everything,it takes two to have a friendship,cannot sail a ship alone !To have a friend , you must be a friend,that really touched me ,it changed the way I related to others.Back to our old friend empathy,true understanding ,gotta begin with being my own friend,you never know ,it may just work out after all...to be continued.

New York Minute

Music ,has always been an important part in my formative years,and has carried me through the best ,and the worst of times.Having just listened to Don Henleys "New York Minute",it has reminded me of what is important to me .My friends ,over the last couple of years ,have shown me how patient ,compassionate,and valuable they are to me.I now have support,and wisdom,from people i respect, and,i vow never to undervalue this precious resource.Too often ,i lose sight of what really matters.IN THAT,i can get desperate, and feel despair,losing sight of the good things in my life.I am all too aware,that ,in that panic ,tragic things can happen,but i know now , that moment WILL pass,be strong[people who know me ,will laugh at this]and you get through it .I my case ,just the inspiration of a poignant song.Surely it is worth trying?Though it may not seem like it to others,i do greatly treasure the resources in my life.I just lose sight of the real world[my world]sometimes,i struggle to be positive.I will be myself, and those who value this ,i will be loyal ,and compassionate with.I need to believe more in others,there are too many who would abuse my trust,so they are ever more in my heart.To those people,and to the fabulous Mr.DON HENLEY.For helping me realise I do have beautiful music,which moves my spirit,and friends ,who are very dear to much,even if i dont always act so.

BALANCE

My resources are few ,but they are welcome,and I do recognise them as such,and I feel lucky to have them.It is my inner resources that fluctuate ,my perceptions of what resources are working for me/others.We need to be aware of others situations,realise that they affect the way we are viewed ,in any particular situation.In turn ,they change us,and our reactions"the ripple effect".My issues[i cannot speak for others]problems are taking these to heart[personally]how do you detach yourself, and see the reality?Any relationships can be fraught,but ,add in mental health problems,things get messy.Finding a balance is essential,or you will find yourself in my situation,taking everything as a personal affront/constantly feeling hurt ,worthless,osing confidence,when it could just be a misunderstanding.I am making a real effort to see other peoples angles ,why they would behave the way they do,remain impassive ,until the facts are known.Give folk the benefit of the doubt,instead of letting negative speculation take over, and snowball.Put myself in their place ,how would I feel ,if Iwas judged in this way without the other person knowing why.Often ,it turns out being something and nothing[an innocent mistake]Which could potentially harm two peoples connection,for what?Stop and think,instead of just reacting,and be patient,no doubt many folk do this,Ineed to be reminded,I am not the only one to be considered,others are equally worthy,especially friends.I do hope that this phase passes soon, the fog lifts ,and I can be at one with myself once more,then ,we all win.PEACE.

short ,but not sweet

It seems the harder I try ,the less people want to know ,are they intimidated,or just the wrong people ?My mental health matters to me,part of that is having contact with like minded ,non-judgemental people.Constant rejection ,is wearing me down,it will pass ,but it is crushing my trust.No-one seems to genuinely care,they all have their own agenda[and i am not on the list.]Iam shown no trust,by peopleIgive my all too,this is just wrong .Everyone has their own issues /problems, this i understand,why punish me ,with indifference?The quetion is,do they even realise how I feel ,or how their aloof manner affects me?I cannot stop it hurting me,i wish i could build a wall up,and feel nothing,who would notice?I have to be myself ,seems no-one else appreciates the real me [probably my appearance,for sure].So i have to make the best of things, and hope someone knows real compassion, and love ,when they experience it.Icannot chaange other peoples values ,,or opinions about me ,just be myself,it will have to be good enough.I will not pretend to be something i am not,and it has cost me, so be it .

funny how?

Funny how,misfortune ,can bring out the best in us.Humour is a great healer,as i found out recently,some people inspire you ,just by being themselves.Their resilience ,humility and generosity,can turn your day around.I am blessed in that ,I know some of these wonderful people,they enhance all around them,to use a staffs saying "conner fault em".Friends in my life are a rare happening,so I value them dearly, the few I do have bring joy to every moment i spend with them.From wanting to shut myself away from everyone, I now find ,that I need the interaction of others ,its healthy[not easy]for me.Yet this interaction also stresses me , i still feel judged[past experiences].Ikeep looking for insults,deceptions ,almost as if i expect them.The important thing for me ,is to find people who value ,understand, and appreciate me for myself.I truly believe there are folk in my life NOWwho matter to me ,and to whom I matter,for the first time[hold my breath]some real friends!I find myself laughing out loud,sharing confidences,a freedom that is priceless to me.Iknow thatI take myself too seriously[abuse does that to you]but others have shown me ,that laughter really is a powerful healer ,on the road to recovery.I count my blessings ,and will never take these special people for granted.I CELEBRATE YOUR SUPPORT,FUN ,AND COMPASSION.

Steely who?

"you tube",has a lot to answer for[praise the lord for it],listening to some Steely Dan,made me think of the first time I heard it,the thrill of discovering something new.Where did that go to?Inow realise ,what i once thought happened magically,takes more effort, but it has not left me,I still have that wonder in me.Thats precious to me ,the stuff of life,helps to colour the more mundain moments [the grey days].Which brings me to where i am[grey]ill,imprisoned by circumstance,getting smaller inside .Theses forays into YOU TUBE,are a godsend,rekindling many old interests,ideas,memories,but also new ones .Thee time will come,when i will venture out again,[soon]another challenge,one i relish.I guess the real journeys are inner ones,my own perceptions of people,the relationships i have inside and outside myself,others just keep these in a constant state of fluctuation,this is where control [or lack of it ]is important.The crux of most of my problems,am I trying too hard ,is keeping my emotions on a level[peaks and troughs]I will say ,a good dyno power curve,is linear[bikes again],Iwish i could tailor my moods to such an even shape,although,would that diminish the highs.Reckon the point of all this ,is ,life is what you make it!Heres to some Summer weather ASAP.

Zen , and the art of knowing myself.[BIKES]

Having just been in the shed,cleaning my motorcycle[gsxr1000]it got me thinking about more positive times[past,and to come].Isuppose its the freedom,the choices ,and the sense of control that has held me to it ,despite some tough times.In the early days,it was the groups of us discovering our identities/having fun.Nowadays more about independence, than anything else.IT COULD BE LIKENED to the changes throughout my life,being more of a solitary person now,sometimes ,by choice.There is a kind of ,focus,directness ,when riding ,which transcends other thought,almost automatic,but deep concentration.It directs all senses to their task,when i am in this state,all worry goes,pain diminishes,i am in the now.If i could bring that level of almost serenity,in everyday life,how much more tranquil would i become?Iknow that ,when i am cleaning my Bike ,i also achieve a peaceful state. It is the mere act ,of focussing on one particular task[gardening,reading,carpentry,physical work.Iknow ,that my mind wanders ,otherwise,pondering the negative [Why the negative,mainly past events,not living in the now]Despite what has happened ,in the past[good and bad]the only thing it should teach me , is to change my mistakes in the present .[does that make sense]

The Bruce Lee Effect

This last week or so , have been difficult in many ways,after some weeks , I am starting to get back into the mix.Starting to mix with others,learning new skills,regaining my confidence, and trying hard to keep my self well.There have been a couple of setbacks ,mainly a tooth abscess, causing an infection,which ,of course is keeping me from doing what helps me most ,interacting with others.[thank god for YOU TUBE]Which has seen me revisiting old haunts/hobbies, via youtube, mainly martial arts movies,and various teachers ,[sifu, or sensei]The dedication ,and unflinching commitment,is of great inspiration.It made me wonder ,how these people find their energy,when their is little reward .I believe they are driven ,by the belief this is their purpose in life,finding their true inner selves by selfless dedication, inner ,not outer,peace. The lesson I get from this ,is that perhaps I SHOULD LOOK MORE inside myself for the real answers to my problems,not to others ,or material possessions,or even at past events[which do affect us all to an extent].To look inside myself ,for the strength to do what I believe is right at this point.Individuality ,is an important part of my life ,i believe you should follow your own path,however difficult it may be.At this time ,things are not ideal,but Iknow that this is only temporary.You can only be yourself , so you should try to be happy within ,and eventually,things will turn around.So ,Bruce Lee,thank you for your example ,in only 32yrs you achieved more than many ,ever do,never forgotten , always respected.to put this into perspective ,everyone can be the person they choose to be,the journey is long , but the rewards are rich ,Peace,be yourself.

trust 2: do i have a choice?

WELL,here we go again Ihear you say,this has always been an ongoing issue for me. But it is within my power, to choose which path I take,trust no-one and revert to my old self[isolated,resentful,unfullfilled potential] or take that risk, and open doors for myself,realising what is possible.For years , Itook the former,staying in ,believeing I was not worth knowing,over the last few years Ihave made the effort to turn that around,embracing,new situations,new people,realising that I am as capable as most others,often surprising myself , with my "confidence"seeing ,for the first time,who I really was[am],and Ifelt of some value to others.During this time ,there were dips in mood , but I coped, and moved on Initially, all was fine,until the same people who had aided me in my journey,began to turn on me ,and insidiously broke down my trust.Right now , I am in the process of getting back to the positive self ,I am confident I can get back.It is arduos ,and Ikeep having setbacks, my honest feeling ,is that Ihave to do this , Ican ,and will NOT allow myself to be defeated by this "organisation",or their hypocrisy, and false premise.ALL this work done on building my esteem, is not going to be reversed,so ,take heart,do not let anyone prevent you ,from fullfilling your true promise,you CAN do it,and as long as my heart beats,mt spirit remains undaunted,and Iknow there can be positive change,here comes the cliche, if i can do this , anyone can.Istill struggle with trusting people daily,and sometimes,I falterbut Iwill not let negativity win,it is a long road, but one I must take.

Just a few words

Well done,glad youre my friend,you should be proud of yourself.Simple words ,not difficult to say,so why arent they spoken more?For me,in my lowest moments ,it is the littlest things that lift my mood ,help me turn myself around,no pyschobabble,no complex theories,just acouple of sincerely spoken words,well meant,by people, i know mean them.When your mind ,is in that negative downward dive,it needs a change of perspective ,an acknowledgement of your situation.Being appreciated is so important to those of us who lack self-worth/confidence.Having support of any kind can help build networks/friends, and increase overall quality of life, wellbeing,Just a few thoughtful words ,can mean more than others could believe,In my experience ,they are the ones i recall,at tough times,they are a reminder, that you are a worthwhile person,who matters,and is as valuable as we all are.Ineed to take time out here ,to thank those wonderful,selfless ,loving people,who continue to help me out,when all others desert me,whatever my situation, i feel their compassion.I can only extend my hand of friendship, and let them know ,Iam /will always be there for them,just as they are/have been there for me,you are priceless to me ,i only hope you believe in me ,the way i do in you.My heartfelt thanks to you,PEACE BE IN YOUR HEARTS.

How far can isolation go/

Let me just get this clear,if blogs are all about inspiration,happy endings,and being positive,constructive, and empathetic ,wrong .This is no popularity contest.Obvious from my comment numbers.When i chose to isolate myself,i always left myself ,a safety net[If i become open, be myself ,people [somewhere]would understand ,see behind the ugliness i am tortured for every day.and accept me as a valuable human being.HA!This is a complete fantasy,all that has happened ,is more people ,have used these qualities to persecute /desert me,the conclusion i have drawn,is that i am incompatible ,in all relationships,whats left?Where are all these wonderful ,loving ,caring people?When i need help the most there is silence,am i so abhorrent,no-one will spend time with me.Every day gets worse.In all 30yrs +of my problems, people have walked the other way.If this is negative ,it is also TRUE.EVERYONE has their breaking point ,but these are words ,so why bother ,its nobodys fault.I now trust NO-ONE,WITH DAMN GOOD REASON.People dont seem to mind treading all over my feelings/hopes dreams,so i have just been brutally honset.If people are offended,multiply that by 35yrs ,now you know how i feel.Heres another post that will be frowned upon.GOOD

My story

Imake no apologies for writing this blog,its something Ineed to do for my own good. About last September/OCTOBER,Ihad a good friend ,one i trusted,cared about ,and respected,all seemed to be well, but i did know this friend was being put under undue pressure,by the "mental health" charity, we were both helping.I did what i could to support, and nothing changed.Soon after ,things took a turn for the worst.They had indicated to me ,they could not cope,and did not to live.I did my best ,to make sure they were O.K,and promised to ring them later[which i did]NOanswer eventually i informed the relevant people,and was reassured all would be fine.Subsequently.i found out, there had been a suicide attempt.this person recovered later ,and i vowed to make sure that they were supported by myself in every way i could think of.Things seemed to settle ,and carried on as before,until i got a phone call ,saying not to contact my [ex]friend,for unknown reasons,all contact was stopped.this was devastating to me ,as i had lost who i regarded as a real friend,for what?Icontinued to try to find out why,but got nothing but animosity , or nothing at all.This culminated ,in me being told to keep away from said person, in all forms AT ALL.Imagine my despair ,at being ,at being told ,one of my only friends,wanted rid of me ,and not knowing why.Iwasalso told i could not work there anymore too,and blamed , for what?I had now lost a Friend ,my work [which i am passionate aout]and all trust i had built for anyone,not to mention ,my sense of belonging, and being valued and a part of something.So what am i now, where is my purpose, i have been set back decades,just for caring ,and wanting to be a friend.To anyone who knows me ,my friends are eveerything to me ,to lose one ,like this,still hurts ,i am now feeling quite ill ,with worry ,and because i do not believe i deserve to have trusted friends.The emotional pain of being set back,feeling unwelcome ,and ridiculed,is too much to bear.Ikeep trying ,but no-one wants to know,they all judge me .Sonow i am alone within myself, not knowing who i should be,or if i have the strength to start over,just to get knocked back.Ican only be myself, obviously that is not enough.If this sounds negative , it IS,it is the real meNOW.

Keep the faith

Ifind myself ,getting more and more impatient these days,getting wound up,and for what?Someone makes an abusive comment,a dirty look,or ignores my feelings /needs.All my choices ,i can let it go ,or allow it to get under my skin.The obvious answer ,is to ignore it , and remain positive[easy to say,not from here it isnt]Of course, all our reactions ,attitudes, and moods can be choices,if the principles allow.Sowhy am i falling into this trap?Learned behaviour,bad habits,the wrong coping mechanisms ,i should know better now,am i being too hard on myself?Given the right frame of mind,this process can be halted,for me ,this is SELF BELIEF/CONFIDENCE.The starting point of which ,is choosing the people who are nurturing, understanding , and empathetic.Breaking down the walls of isolation,self loathing,and learning to love myself ,and know that i am a valuable ,good natured ,enthusiastic,and deeply compassionte man ,worth knowing .Now i need to seek out people who feel the same way about myself ,that i am beginning to, thats the difficult part,but i do keep putting myself out there ,doing the best i can ,it can be done.Just the act of writing this ,has lifted me, i can be transparent,i have nothing to hide ,i am hoping my total lack of trust ,will lessen[a contradiction, i know ]Isincerely hope this makes sense to someone,it needed to be said,just to clear my mind.there is always Hope,keep thee faith,you are worth it.

friends?

How do you feel,when you spend time with your "friends"?At ease, can you be yourself,do you feel judged?Ihave very few friends,but the way they make me feel ,is worth a million.I am myself ,and proud to be so,their empathy ,patience,and compassion, is beautiful,what ever i say ,will be treated seriously, and they give ,but never take.they are my strength,and now,i am starting to realise how much they mean to me.Yes i can be cynical,angry ,and afraid.But spending time ,talking ,or just in their company,just washes this away .They are not rich, famous, or powerful.Yet they are all these things to me.Rich with love , and understanding,famous[to me ]for their generosity ,and their power, is their ability to help others ,selflessly[and make me laugh.]and to be naturally open, and non-judgemental.these qualities ,are the attributes i hope to show them in return,we are each others mentors, fighting toward the same ends ,belonging,giving,helping,and learning from each other.In my negative state of mind, i can still be thankful, and praise these special people,for their time,wisdom, humour ,and inspiration[Dedicated to those who still believe in me ,i still believe in you too.Thanks Mattie.

Trust?

One of the biggest hurdles I have had to traverse"in recovery",is trusting people.So many times ,in the past,others have betrayed me ,in the cruelest ways .Abusing my friendship, my openess, my values/beliefs.When this happens consistently,it begins to turn one cynical.To a large degree ,i still am.Iam very sensitive about my lack of relationships,some find this amusing,were roles reversed they would see things very differently.I am aware of my appearance,to be ridiculed ,constantly,is ,i find a cop out ,for the lazy minded bigot.Iknow there are others who suffer the same treatment,you are not alone.All these factors contributed to my self -imposed isolation,Iknow ,in my heart ,that i am a considerate,warm-hearted ,decent person.These cheap jibes,are for the weak, to falsely boost their self-esteem,they are the ones who have the REAL problems.This has led to me being "seperated"[or thats the way it makes me feel]from others , It puts barriers ,between myself and others,preventing me from forming any close relationships[the very thing Idesperately need]As I WRITE ,THIS ,Ican feel myself shaking with anxiety/distress,Iam trying to be transparent,at what cost/ridicule,apathy?This is my personal view ,but to me ,my reality.That It can change Is a fact ,Ifi it will,remains to be seen.The journey continues,amI the Alien,or are they?

the struggle[happy days]

Iseem to be posting an awful lot of dark,negative posts ,recently,just a reflection of my state of mind,or my personal truth?the two are interconnecting ,one affects the other[not by choice]But the choice is still there,it is mine to make.Just because it gets difficult,doesnt mean i cave in,and let the negativity control me.I STILL HAVE MY MUSIC.Priceless to me ,lifting my spirits,making me laugh ,cry ,smile inside.i truly believe ,a world without music,is a dead one.its always in my heart,my mind,coursing through my veins.SO POWERFUL,subtle,poignant,private ,and my one saving grace throughout my life.It will always be in my heart.Its still astruggle, when i lose sight of what really matters,people,interests,most of all ,passions.just writing this ,has lifted me,i feel blessed ,to have such a resource,and it will always be here.think of what you have ,in your life ,that you are passionate about ,and cherish it,nurture it,hold it close to your heart,it is part of you that is priceless.to all the people who have helped me get this far,i salute ,and respect you deeply,you are my lifeblood,my love is with you ,i will always be here for you,i believe my transparency is my strength.[See,its not all doom and gloom,eh?]i hope this goes some way to redressing the balance,

untitled

take me as you find me,is all i ask.i am despairing at the insensitivity which is rife, concerning me.Do i have ,abuse me written on my head?i am still that ghost ,no-one gets close to,it is soul destroying.i am reaching out ,to indifference,can anyone tell me why i should bother?Pain can teach us lessons,what not to do ,where not to go ,or to stay away from all ,and avoid constant picking away at my worth,until it diminishes totally.i feel totally seperated from eveyone/everything.the world is a hostile place ,to me,full of hate ,ignorance,abuse,and apathy.does this sound negative?Welcome to my world.friends ,partners,lovers ,no,not for me ,they are for other people.i just get the pain,if i sound bitter ,i dont care,i am through being victimised by those i try to help.the real me ,is still in here[that creative ,curious,energetic,person,who still has so many hopes, and dreams]slowly wilting under the shadow of the blackspectre of cynicism,doubt,misery, and abuse.did you know ,my favourite colour is black/i dont see much light left, in my world.just a bit cranky ,then?i am tired,disillusioned,rejected, and empty.find something positive in this ,i dare you?nobody ever reads these anyway.............

understanding

as i walk along a street[could be any street],i hear someone utter "freak",did i mishear,or was it true?this happens too often to me .i attribute this ,to ignorance/stupidity.dont these "people" give a thought as to the consequences of their comment ?do any of them REALLY know me?of course they do not, its all about perceptions,the media ,has a lot to answer for.anyone on t.v, with mental health problems,is seen as a joke,or a maniac[black and white]like any condition there are levels of any illness,we are no different.some of us choose to plough a lone furrow[not follow the mindless masses]does this make them freaks?its a question of understanding,knowledge,education.people fear what they do not understand,reactions can be polarised from agression ,to abject terror,and then there are those who just follow their particular peer group [safety in numbers]people with such problems are often isolated, making them ,easy targets.these abusive people, do not realise,that they are just as susceptible to similar problems as anyone.[the shoes on the other foot ,then!]i know ,that genuine people,with intelligence, and compassion,do not behave like this,it is simply not done.i feel fortunate ,in that i have experiences which have enabled me to disregard such remarks.they used to cut me to the quick,now ,i realise these folk, do not understand me and have not lived with constant torment, so cant possibly know how it feels to be put in my position.it helps me look at things in a calmer,less personal way.i also realise,that there are certain people ,i need to avoid. all this ,,helped me to becom more sensitive to others needs,and taught me to think,before i speak,and to try not to make assumptions about others ,based solely on appearance.[dont judge a book by its cover]so something positive has come from others ignorance.i am now ,more aware of how many people have mental health issues,and to try to take this into account when they behave differently ,or surprisingly.in summary ,when you see someone ,who looks ,or is behaving oddly,dont judge them,imagine yourself in their position

shadows

ever wondered why people pass you by,as a ghost?me tooi have watched others grow ,establish there own identity,friends,lifestyle,etc,while life passes me by.nobody seems to take me seriously,i feel under utilised ,i know i am capable of greater things,no one else seem to believe this.throughout my formative years, i withered in the shadow of my then, friend ,who excelled at everything i just stood in the wings,thinking "i know i could do that" never did.my entire life ,it seems i have been overlooked, by "better" people, me in their shadow.so how do i develop my own self -belief,and from where,seriously,i dont know?there has always been a part of me that knew i had ability,a voice,something to contribute to others.this happened last year ,i was allowed to challenge my social phobia,and began to trust some .of course ,when it was all wiped out ,my trust abused,my contributions deemed useless[i know not why]i was left bereft of all direction,i am still struggling to come to terms with this dilemma.yet ,this inner voice remains,i am a worthwhile person,i can help others with similar issues,i just feel it .........and i will not give up ,until i am recognised as a person in my own right.i do value myself,i feel it ,i sense it ,i believe it ,let no one deny me my rightful place ,i knw i can do it.the shadows cast, are lowering,is that the sun ican feel on my brow?

give it time

an obvious thing to most of us ,we accept that ,not everything is instant.not so easy for us who "manage"mental health issues,thet ,at the time ,can be so despairing, and deeply unbearable,it is the last thing we want to hear,so how do us "ill" people push through these impossible times?in my case ,i take myself out of the situation[my room,outside,distract myself] in others i simply let the experience take its course,this may sound hard ,to some,and it seems hopeless at the time.[i dont underestimate the pain many go through ,when this ,simply isnt an option]and i bleed emotions,even i dont know how to explain,or fight,but i do get through them.i suppose thatmy past experiences ,in desperate situations,when i had no hope left ,something in me pulled me out ,i am still here!i look back ,and think to myself,i got through that,so i WILL get through this time too "this time too shall pass"its a question of faith,self belief, every time you win through [it is a victory]yo get a little stronger , a little wiser,and your faith in yourself grows.it is our journey,only we know what works for us ,i will not preach any method,but i do know,when we are together in this conflict, it makes us all stronger.the word is empathy,i isolated myself ,for long periods of time,believeing noone could help,having finally got up ,and,found real people,withserious problems,who are sill willing to give their invaluable wisdom, and time[and,sometimes,all it rakes is someone to listen]thi was all it took to make me realise ,that ,if i can make a difference,everyone can.its taken me so long to get here ,i cant stop now.i do hope some of this makes sense to someone,i know, it is a part of my journey,i could not have envisaged writing about[least of all publicly]this brings me back to giving it time ,without all these painfu l experiences,i would not have reached thi point,and ,believe it or not ,i actually like who i am now,all that time has given me acceptance,and faith,i need to be myself, and ,never stop learning.be happy ,you really do have a right to.

still the same

seems like a lifetime[it is]since i sat upstairs ,alone ,in my mind,literally,my creativity stifled,by mistrust,apathy,lackof self belief.how have things changed/does anyone understand?i think ,the worst part ,is ,some do ,yet stil do not reach out to connect.i am trying harder than ever to reach others ,be who i believe i should be[ i am ]where next?faith can move mountains,can it make people care? i have learned much about others recently,i am just a passing ship in the night,just a glance,thenback to the REAL people"him again"where ,ezactly do i fit in ,in this world?moving through like a ghost.i keep trying to connect,cant do it.doesnt mean i will stop trying though[i am sorely tempted to ,right now.]i will have to explore other avenues,it is exhausting.48yrs of indifference,thats a lot to counter,it is possible?does noone else believe in me?that is the message i am getting.the physical pain drains me,i will have to learn to live with it.soulmates/hah!noone will even be seen with me,i can only give so much, before i dissapear into isolation once more.the last thing i want to do,i know there are good people out there,i wish they appreciated me ,as much as i do them.and i genuinely do ,just to close,i do have some resources,they are in short supply ,at the moment.still the same,but different.

changes

after a particularly low ,isolated, christmas,it seemed like my world was falling apart.all my efforts to progress had been dashed[deliberately]by people ,who i thought had some respect for me ,an organisation i once believed my saviour, had feet of clay,fickle ,and judgemental[despite claiming theopposite].to cap it all ,in february,my beautiful gentle, friend,and pet , patch,who i adored ,and still do,had to be laid to rest[it broke me in two.]what next?despite all my desspair, a few very special people,remained,they were my rock at this time.word cannot express my gratitude for their undaunting support.soon after,my mother and i both decided we needed another prescence in the house.with heavy hearts,we set off to the city dogs home,not knowing what the future would deal us .i slowly walked along the rows of yapping ,and deepbarks, wanting to take them all with us! sitting quietly in a pen,was a pair of beautiful,gentle almond eyes,curious ,yet placid,i was in love ,my mind was set!after some discussion,and a few days wait,we had a young female alsation,SHEBA,som e things are meant to happen,she is now ,the light of my life,loyal,funny,gentle[and very noisy,i believe the silence in the pens was a ruse].we bonded in the car on our way home,she is now my constant companion,and a real joy to us all.i still think of patch,he will always be closeto my heart,his gentle nature blessed us all.i would not have chosen to lose him,but these changes were meant to happen,sometimes acceptance is our only choice.time heal ,but it does not mean we forget.some changes arent so ba d after all.

the wall

what stops communicating,fully ,openly,truly?that invisible,that invisible barrier,tightness of the chest,seizing[safety mechanisms?my last vestige of self esteem,need,doing whats right,still insufficient.no amount of cros examination,brings the wall down.if only others couldse,,what appearsto be inability to get close,is my WALL,it is uncontrollable[is it ?]i need to get through it ,that is my gaol[often,the people who push others away,and appear distant,crave that closness,intimacy,engagement,meaningful discourse,the MOSTmisunderstood?i should cocoayet i fail to see the same in others.to me ,its inadequecy,fear of rejecttion,or worse ,apathy.the other side,from my point of view,is ,it is worth the effo rt,what,exactly ,do i have to lose?balanced against the gains?armed with this knowledge/belief,i shall continue to chip away,at the icy wall between me ,and myself.it really allis about communication,most often with the most important people in my life,the few people iregard as real friends,if only to let them know,i am in their debt,how much i love ,andvalue them.they have my world.is that so wrong?so if you see me on my travels,say hi,and know that i do care,empathise,born out of fear ,the wall will die,and the real me,will walk out of the mist of repression,and i will believe...................tough times dont last,tough people do!

is it worth it?

the anger is still here,the injustice,the loneliness, why wont anyone allow me to get close?is it the way i look?the hobbies i have ,even my belief system?out of the mix,after two yrs, making every effort ,to be empathetic,understanding,learning what i can.be yourself ,they say,give it time,now what?i can feel myself getting wound up by it all [right now]48yrs,of trying to do the right thing,getting ,abused ,ignored,treated like a half wit,trying to fit in ,why?at least ,i am myself now,stil treated the same way,but knowing better,cold comfort ,when i am still without real company.am i so evil?i am not a "people pleaser",but i am honest ,courteous,empathetic,and understanding.i just do not get it ,how can this be?perhaps i donot deserve real relationships,yet i see all sorts of selfish,ignorant ,abusive people with groups of close friends.a rant ,yes ,but true nonetheless.do i expect too much?my nervous energy is at an all time low,thats when these thoughts start to dominate.i have all but stopped feeling pleasure[maybe ,it would be better if i felt nothing?no doubt most people would have stopped reading,within30seconds,does that say it all ?lots of questions ,i do not have any answers to.i tell myself to be patient,still ,nothing happens.it still hurts ,my whole life ,one big rejection.i write this ,dispassionately"be transparent"i have been,and everyone stays away in their droves.is it fear?am i too intense,...maybe there are no real answers ?can you tell ,i am ahving a bad day,arent i just a ray of sunshine.................................

dont give up.

when the shafts of sunlight cross your room ,through the curtains,in the morning,what are your first thoughts?what a beautiful day ,an opportunity to chalenge yourself, or "why me ",how do i cope ,today?positive thought ,is an art in itself,one i struggle with,sometimes try to avoid totally.its a conflict i know too well[as do most of us ]patience ,i thought i had ,was just apathy,but i now know ,i can use and grow ,with real patience,comes wisdom and enlightenment[worth waiting for ?]i suppose ,what i am saying ,is,dont give up ,if things dont work out initially,be resilient,have faith in yourself.this all ,in theory ,is a basic technique.who lives theoretical lives ?ever imagined a future event, as you see it ,and ,the real thing is a total surprise,not at all as you saw it ?i do it all the time ,one of the real reasons i started to take it as it comes,dont forecast!we al posess the strength to change how we think,it takes belief/faith ,and support.i spent 10yrs indoors ,isolating myself,because of abuse from people i believed friends,stagnant,i did not believe i could change my own circumstances ,how?the longer it went on ,the more i saw no other option,the world around me was shrinking.sometime later,[i dont know how,i started to mix,with others ,who had similar issues,progressed to do a basic college course,the upshot of which was i began to open doors,looknig forward ,not back.now ,here i am ,back where i started all those years ago.the only difference being,now i have some sense of my self worth,of my own value to others,and of my own capabilities,it is always difficult ,to take rejection,now i know,its not all about me ,its someone elses decision.i am still me !your true worth ,comes from within,not externally. its all in your own hands ,people, never allow others to stifle your true selves,spread your wings and celebrate being you!..........................and dont give up.

trick of the tail

so many people are willing to use your good nature,to ,basically ,treat you as a doormat.this leads to cynicism and mistrust,bringing about a cycle of negative behaviour.dishonesty is easy, its having the courage to tell the truth[even when youdo not gain from it yourself]thats tricky.the real matter here ,is ,being responsible for your own actions and feelingsTAKING that responsibility, it belongs to you.!dont let others bitterness and betrayal,prevent you from being the decent ,open,[which is a real strength]wonderful person you are meant ,to be.that is the only real loss here,transparency,empathy and heart,are worth more than any short term [fake]gain these, cold,empty ,people will ever see.there is no trick,no short term answer to how to deal with others beligerence, and hostility,all anyone can do ,is,be strong ,trust your own judgement,and remember,everyone gets it wrong!justice ,is a personal thing,to me ,its about my inner self, intuition,spirit,somuch deeper than just winning pointless ,battles which fullfil no purpose,who wins ? your self respect ,and esteem is too valuable to risk for pettiness.if all this seems a tad serious,i do have a lighter side,this is me working through what matters to me, believe me , i am trying to keep on top of all this "land of confusion"there is no humourous ,whimsical piece to capture your attention,i crave no acceptance ,and i know i will never be popular,there is no end to this tail.

SECONDS OUT

the worrying,and strangely,the comforting thing,about the conflicts all "mentally ill"people [negative label, i apologise]manage in our day to day lives,is that we have never really been alone.however alone you may feel someoneWILL understand,you can ,be who you want to be ,we all have the same choices/rights.given the right resources ,and faith in ourselves[we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for]i know ,this conflict can be turned around.many years previously,having been a mass of pure [negative]emotion, i tried to take my own life[having no faith in my own resilience]a C.P.N. TOLD ME ,having damaged myself so often[this was by no means an isolated incident]that i must be here for a reason,she also confessed i would make a good C.P.N.these affirmations have stuck with me,only now , ican see ,she was right.[my warmest blessings to you elaine].it took twenty years to get here ,but i AM here.in a funny way ,it has been destiny.the motivation is coming, the real fight starts here DING! DING!