a short story

At this point ,I thought that I should give folks some background on my illness,and how I came to this stage in my life.As a five year old ,I recall standing ,adrift from everyone ,alone ,different,no idea why.This feeling of being seperate from all others , still lingers in my mind,at this very moment.I seemed to feel inferior to others ,as a result,thats how they treated me.I had a close friend, who was a loyal ,creative person, exceptionally talented,and driven in his ambition.It suited me ,to stand in his shadow,less stressful,and I got to meet some vey different accepting people.A marked contrast to the ignorance to my former experiences[and , incidentally ,right now.]In my teens I was in a constant state of anxiety,and painfully self conscious,then ,the real problems began.Having no idea of who I was,it was clear that,in my mind no female would ever want me[still dont],I saw no reason to live ,if it was alone.When my only friend left ,to pursue his [very successful]career,it only served to reinforce my fears.After being forced out of school,by scumbags bullying me ,I was bereft,my worst fears had come true,truly alone.Then, a series of attempted suicides followed which all failed miserably[duh],and a series of breakdowns treated by medication ,and little else,no -one sat me down , and told me these were ordinary emotions,or how I could counteract them,and that they were not MY fault.Fast forward to the present day, those thoughts of being worthless,being rejected,are not in the forefront of my mind,they still lurk in the darker recesses of my mind ,only to pop up at the worst moment,and haunt me.Many times I sought out the wrong crowd ,demeaning,abusive,and ignorant ,the only people i knew.This only served to worsen my condition.Through some self education ,and some wonderful people,some of whom are still supporting me,I began to realise I was a good person,and through my experiences,could contribute,and help others.I am no in a better position to gain ,at least some,perspective.It is an ongoing process I need to constantly remind myself ,that I AM a decent ,worthy ,valuable person People can be cruel ,but I now know ,that I choose how I feel about me ,I dont control their actions,or thoughts.This has been a brief coverage of some of the watershed moments in my life .It is a tiny part of the whole picture,and I hope it has shed some light on why I am who I am.