Saturday 21 November 2009

twice shy

How things can change[sic]in one year,just over a year ago,i was progressing ,feeling more confident,growing ,in all positive way,had lots of support,felt needed,useful,kept busy.In short,things finally seemed to be turning around,aseries of ,er,unfortunate events conspired to put all this on hold,i still get angry ,because i find myself regressing to my former self.One thing I said I would never happen.All the old thoughts come flooding back,still feel alone in this shell,tired ,is this all there is?Even my arthritis seems worse, i feel i have no-one on my side,are these just perceptions?If that is so ,why cant I turn them around?There seem so many negatives,i need other people to bounce off,to share experiences ,finding new ways to cope,confidence is a limiting factor,I need to get some backHOW?I know there are no definitive answers,that would be too easy.DONT KNOW,how this all sounds to anyone,IT is meant as a release,purely theraputic,hopefully someone,somewhere will understand my plight.i HAVE TO KEEP ON TRYING TO WORK THIS THROUGH.It is not all bad news ,there are some new irons in the fire,but i remain reluctant to count on anything,once bitten.............
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3 comments:

  1. Dixie@dcrelief21 November 2009 at 18:28

    Dear David,
    Here's my experience...
    The hardest thing for me to do: stand in front of my mirror, look deep into my eyes and truly ask myself; who am I right now? Who do I want to be in five minutes?

    The past year has been hell for me and yet I've taken every scrap of bad or good perception and chosen to help myself with it. Yes I can give some people a lot of credit, but here's the thing: no one is with me when I cry in the dark! But I am also free to send out a message to another, and 'invite' them into my life to help me solve an issue. I've not been let down, and why? Because I took the initiative to contact another. I cannot expect people to read my mind. I cannot expect people to 'see' with my perceptions. But I can have a conversation with anyone who is willing to co-create a friendship!

    Here's an affirmation I'd like to leave you, in peace and respect...
    "Today, I will relinquish my need to be in resisitance to myself and my environment. I will surrender, cultivating contentment and gratitude."
    Take care David; this is an excellent sharing of your own experiences. Dixie :)

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  2. david.s22 November 2009 at 02:29

    Dear,DIXIE,Ivalue your thoughts ,as you know,and I do know that it is my choice ,to be who I am.I accept that I must make the move to initiate any company/friendship,that is true.In my past ,[which is the issue here]i have done this,and been used,maybe because i was open and honest,I will not change the good part of me,i believe in myself.It pains me to do this,but I cannot lie to myself.I thank you for your kindness,yours in sincerity.Dave.sPEACE

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  3. Dixie@dcrelief22 November 2009 at 09:36

    Hi David,
    Yes, I realised your issue was the 'past', and appreciate your kind response to my comment. My past has often involved staying within the confines of a negative environment. (There was a blog I read from klahanie's site about, 'The Uncomfortable Comfort Zone'. I had become so used to experiencing the negative, that to live without it was fearful.) Not that you have experienced this yourself; I will not presume to tell you how you feel, David, or what you've been through. You are a friend. (And not to use klahanie's experience without his permission; the article just touched upon a nerve... and I found out I still wanted to go on living.)

    I'm so glad you hold on to your morals to guide you. In fact, 'in the portal', I had come to rely on your experience as much as our other friends there. [:)]

    In closing, I'll add that I know what's it like to be used. You have my most sincerest wishes and respect for you present moment and future.
    A pleasant afternoon to you,
    Dixie

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