thank you for being a ?

Funny old week,doesnt rain ,it pours,losing out ,in all ways,still dont know why.I do not lie to friends,I never take advantage ,yet I feel the guilty one,until now.It is not my mistrust, or my doubts that are in question here ,yet I have paid ,again,for what?There is so much wrong in my life ,maybe it is my fault, am I such an offensive person that no- one ,anywhere wants to have me as a friend?Within my own perceptions,truthfully ,I know my motives for wanting company ,are all genuine,no deception ,it is not my way.Having been alienated,it is just another vindication of my cynical outlook.When do I start to realise that no-one wants to know?There arent any answers ,which is perplexing,how to find solutions ,my belief in myself ,is still strong.How do I find so many apathetic people,cries of anguish yet nothing but silence,so much of it.I am aware of others feelings ,try to be sensitive,compassionate,decent,it confounds me,what more can I do?Yet folk turn their back on me in droves,my illness is not a curse,it is a small part of my whole.There is little else to say ,except that ,rejection is so often a part of this life,and it is wrong to hurt others,for their devotion to empathy,and honesty.I will never turn away people despite being hurt countless times,I know I am worthy of friendship,it still eludes me,no idea where I go from here ,alone or not,in this apathetic world,I still care ,and will speak up when injustice prevents the good of us from being ourselves.If that is wrong,then I AM TOO.I will not be prevented from living my life,I deserve to be treated as a decent ,caring person.