Friday 11 September 2009
EMPTINESS
As this is the only place left,where I can express my true feelings,then i shall do so.This year has been a disaster,and is getting worse,never thought i would be posting at three a.m.It is true to say,that my resources have all but disappeared,as well as being physically unwell,the people around me ,deem themselves judge and jury.I have been used ,and it is not good enough,left powerless to challenge,so must repress my feelings.For the first time in many years ,I found myself so desperate, all i had was floods of tears to console me.I cannot cut my emotions,until I FEEL NOTHING,i wish i could.I am fighting for my life here,because ,I truly dont believe ,this despair ,day in ,day out, is living,and I am so tired of trying to connect,and giving all ,getting emptiness.I have nothing left inside,I know I cannot live all my life without some closeness ,in it It is sad ,that the one place I can say this,is to a computer,not a person.I thought I had moved a long way in my recovery,not true,I put my trust,in people,who betrayed it ,it has damaged me too much.I can only see one way out ,and i thought i had those days behind,well they are back,regression.This only adds to my isolation,no-one wants to listen"I should know better",the fact is i should not be here at all,but I am to most peoples indifference,surely I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS?
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You are worth much more. I wish I can offer magic words to take it away, but I know none for I would have used them on me. Take care, remember that you are stronger than you feel and there are people that care about you still being here. Some people are indifferent, but they will never see you for who you truly are. Take it gently with yourself x
ReplyDeleteThanks Julie,you are right,in my heart I know.I am better than this.I just wish people would appreciate who I am,and not judge,Thank you for your affirmations,its just so raw ,at the moment.It feels like its all crashing down around me.I hope you are rightyour warm-hearted comments ,are priceless to me .PEACE.
ReplyDeleteDear David,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about tiring of trying to connect. I have taken to playing silly games to distract me. It may not be the best thing but for now it helps. Please know I empathise, and wish also that I knew how to help. I'm often afraid I might say the wrong thing; forgive me when I disappear. xx
Hello,Dixie,distraction is a good way of working through a bad time,it can help.You ARE helping ,by supporting me here, and on facebook,your comments are always welcome.Where are u dissapearing to?Whatever happens,I will always be with u in spirit.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteOh no, I'm not going away. Sometimes I disappear. I might read your blog or someone else's and the feelings are so familiar. I have to go have a look and make sure I'm moving onward. My intention is to be positive in my responses, but sometimes I have to go find the positive and then come back to write you.
ReplyDeleteNo to confuse you, as I get confused enough as it is. (smile) And I thank you for your support and empathy. xx
DearDixie,Isee what you mean ,thanks for clearing that up.That is very sincere of u ,so thoughtful,heres wishing u positive thoughts,and good karma.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteDear David,
ReplyDeleteI hope that I have demonstrated to you that not all people pass judgement on you. Please try and find some comfort in the support and empathy that has been displayed by all of us who truly care.
As I have told you when I visited; I have experienced folks who took advantage of my good nature. Who disrespected and dismissed my credibility as a human being. Well, I got tired of that and looked for people who were good for my mental health well being. In turn, I like to think, I was good for their mental health well being.
David, stay strong, I am testimony that seeking out a genuine positive environment is the way forward.
In peace, your friend, Gary :-)