This ,for me ,is the subjectthat affected me ,totally,more than any other.When people think about themselves,how do they view this[literally].In my heart ,Iknow I am a loving worthy ,person.Outside ,and in the mirror,I hate myself ,to put it bluntly ,I am ugly[a fact not a perception.One reason ,why there is no picture of me, in this blog.I can truthfully say ,I am judged on this first,some,totally.When first realised this,it helped me understand why others treated[still do]me with contempt ,ridicule ,and hate.I have great trouble writing this blog ,it deeply hurts me ,in all ways.It is ,I am sure the reason no-one will get close to me [women],I have give of myself ,always opened my heart,and been as loving as I can.I AM alwya in the shadow of someone else.I do yearn to be close to someone,but I know ,it will never happen,and that saddens me .At present ,I keep on trying to be friends,and I am always at arms length .The way I look ,is not ,the real me ,however it HAS stifled my confidence,to virtually nothing.Some may say ,this is just a minor problem,it is constantly on my mind,and has ruined my life.Alienated me ,from those i believe i could have loved,thus now ,all i can see ,is loneliness, and a loveless life ,Iwill not anyone near to me ,because,i can never be as close as i believe i could be.I am not stupid,i realise this will not change,but i still cannot accept it.TONIGHT,it has hit me hard ,that i may die ,alone ,never having loved ,is it still worth living ,being permanently detached from others,when i am such an emotional person?When i crave real friendship,and affection,and it is not reciprocated?People can be very cruelto me ,none more so than myselfi do not believe that a life without close affection ,and love ,is worth living,I needed to write this post,because this issue affects all i do ,and how i see everyone around me.There is no conclusion,just acceptance,how do i expect others to accept me ,when i cannot accept myself?This really touches a raw nerve with meIhope there is someone out there who understands the devastating impact this has on me ,sometimes [as tonight]having me wish i would just go to sleep ,permanently,as the only way of real peace.Ido not blame others for their feelings,these are purely my personal issues.I HOPE,that you all are well,thank you if you have read through this,it may help you understand me more ,i hope so.