its cold outside

This is a difficult,testing time ,but I still see some good coming out of it,although its a mystery,as to what.Seeing so many couples ,partners ,friends revelling in christmas ,just reminds me of my plight,more alone ,inside,still in trauma ,at the weekend,silent in my self,repressed.There are some forthcoming irons in the fire,nothing confirmed,and my feeling is ,to try ,but I cannot help feeling doubtful,just my negative state of mind.I really tried ,this year ,and I feel like I have been punished for it.It takes me so much time to trust,now its gone,where is there left?There are less people to contact ,now ,than ever,why?Perhaps I should join those who use and manipulate others ,they are rarely alone,honesty has cost me so much.How do I reconcile what has happened ,when it still haunts my nights,and confounds my senses?It feels to me as though there are no people who want to know me,in any close way,I cannot get back twenty years of emptiness ,being a spectator,judged ,still.Christmas at hand ,a trial ,I get myself motivated ,only to be passed by,another year older I see no change.My sense of humour bypass seems to have worked,perhaps if I could rid myself of all emotions ,it would help?I will still try to beat this thing,indifference,back stabbing,running out of people ,what now.Some are happy alone ,I need to express myself ,still wishing to help others,because I would not want anyone to go through this, this requires the help of others ,and someone having faith in me.Heres hoping all turns out in a positive way,it needs to be something to build on my waining confidence.PEACE.