Sunday, 27 December 2009
WASTED TIME
Having seen the Christmas come and go,I see no reason for optimism,no-one,it seems,can see my plight ,or they just dont care.Still staying in most of the time,not conducive to my mental health,the so-called irons in the fire,have been extinguished.Just seems to me ,to be no point to any of this,I only get judged,or blamed ,when I do try .Everyone,in my limited experience,is looking after No1, forget empathy ,or support,if I have support ,it needs to be real,when I need it ,not randomly,never happens.My other siblings have families ,friends ,social lives,reasons to live ,not exist,it confounds me,as to why I still struggle to maintain any relationships,no hope of a social life,stuck indoors regressing,knowing it.AS i have always known, I am one apart,not by choice,is it worth continuing in this way?Every avenue i turn down ,is closed,everywhere i look people are using others to gain ground,or manipulate,or to take their animosity out on,somethin that is foreign to me ,should i be more like them?The question is,am i capable of such behaviour,and at what cost.I cannot feel more rejected,the world does not get any colder than it feels NOW,little comfot in principles,keep on finding myself with people who use /abuse my good nature,and who have interest only in their own gain.There is a gaping black hole in my future,and ,in this darkness ,it is nigh on impossible to see anything rationally.So much wasted time,all this hurt,what to do with it,i cant repress it all,it has to be exorcised somehow,it is now after 2 o clock in the morning,still stressed,still anxious,dead end.No wonder no-one reads this ,its hardly sunshine and roses,the truth rarely is.Needed to get this out of my head,just to see it is real,too real,too much emotional baggage,nothing to take its place.[does anyone ever feel this wasted,empty,used?]PEACE.Dave.s
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Hi David,
ReplyDeletePeople do care. People do read your blog. I have noted a lot of support and encouragement towards you via the comments.
David, I try my best to be altruistic. There are folks who know me who will vouch that I think of others first.
David, I have extended you the hand of friendship. You must understand how much of a challenge it has been for me to go on public transport and visit you. Yet, I have done it, I have tried to support and show you that, despite my situation, which is similar to yours; I spent Christmas alone, that it is much better to embrace positive possibilities, rather than maintaining negative reinforcement.
I shall be getting a car soon. I shall, as I told you on the phone recently; that I shall come and visit you. In the meantime, why don't you consider getting on your motorbike and dropping over? We could have a good positive chat.
Your new journey towards a better life can start right now. May I suggest that, in the meantime, you perhaps interact with some other blogs. That way, more people would be aware of your blog and come and read it.
With genuine respect, Gary.
Hello Gary,this is not a deliberate ploy ,on my part,I need to get these things out of my system.With my mother in hospital again I see little positive light.As you know ,my bike is garaged in winter/always has been,it is not an option,I am very aware of your efforts regarding my so-called recovery,you know how much I value all your efforts.This is a long slippery slope, I do not need judging,yet look where I am now,in bits ,sick of my own company,in constant pain ,not knowing what will go wrong next.If my mother goes I will not bother anyone,wont be here.Dave.s
ReplyDelete.[does anyone ever feel this wasted,empty,used?]PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteHi Dave.s,
Thanks so much for your kind response to my Christmas comment on your previous blog. It made my day better.
Every day I'm at home alone. I have been lucky to find things I can do and enjoy that do not need people interacting. I've sorted 'adopted' a young lady as my god-daughter; she comes by every other day to go to the food shops. But it took a long time before I found her.
My disbilities hinder many events I would like to participate in. I have learned not to wallow in the past, as it hurts too much.
I spent Christmas with two men who abuse me. It's a terrible story I won't bore you with. This is the year I learn to say no to the negative and yes to the positive. Even if I spend next Christmas alone, it would be best for me.
I feel for you with your Mother in the hospital. I do hope she recovers quickly and completely. I celebrated the annivesary of my Mom's death the week before Christmas, by attending a live nativity at the cementary. Forced myself to drive in the sleet and rain; it meant something positive to be there. To see life in a cementary; amazing, with live animals and people.
I know you write to get it all out. I hope you accomplish your goal. It is so important that you continue sharing. You do not realise the people that may need hearing what you share. I so wish that the blessings I've received from you be returned to you ten-fold, my friend. I am so sorry I am not there to be of better help. But yes I have felt: 'wasted, empty, and used'.
Much respect, Dixie xx
Dear,Dixie,your comments and heatfelt empathy,touch my heart ,thank you for your compassion and your generosity of spirit.It is inspiring to hear of your journey to honour your mother,I have an unbreakable bond with my mom,she is everything to me.Ineed to shar these things so they lose some of their power by externalising them.Your good heart ,is never wasted here Dixie,I value all your contributions and comments,you will be who you want to be.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteHi Dave.s,
ReplyDeleteHope you don't mind my returning.
"...an unbreakable bond...she is everything to me."
When I read that I immediately understood. So it wouldn't be surprising to you that I went out in sleet and rain to a cementary?! That unbreakable bond never leaves, nor does it have to. There are no rules. There are only people that give us so much of themselves, expecting little or nothing in return. Ironically they don't even expect us to be the way they are. They are full of love, service, and light.
Dave.s, you're right where you're supposed to be. That may sound strange, but I've come to figure it out, that we cannot rush our own life.
One day I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. (And yes, I borrowed that from an old Narcotics Anonymous book), but it was true for me. I wanted it all to end. I even committed suicide. Took a whole bottle of pills that should have killed me. (If I had died, it would have destroyed my Mom's heart. That was when I realised that she had to go first. I would better take the pain than she.)
But yes, I did take those pills. I awoke to a hurricane passing through the city I lived in. Never in the history of my state had a hurricane come so far inland! Hurricane Hugo 1989.
I awoke and found a huge crowd of people needing help, food, shelter, etc. in my neighborhood. Seven trees circled my home and every one of them fell outward, away from the house. Not a one touched my home. We used them for firewood to cook for 13 days, as there was no electricity. I should have been dead, but found myself fixing bacon and eggs for 97 people; and I was happy.
The person who was ready to end it all (me) was standing there, laughing, crying, so happy that there was plenty of food and water.
I'm not saying that you need an awakening like I had. I'm not saying anything that you need to do. I'm just saying that I had no idea, that life could change so quickly, in the blink of an eye... and I would go from negative to positive living. I would appreciate what I was accomplishing. And the lessons I learned from that time reveal parts of me I didn't know existed. (Forgive my length of comment.)
I send you blessings for the entire year; warmth and guidance that takes you where you want to be. I hope you and your Mom might rejoice in the bond that never fails; as love never fails.
A gracious and Happy New Year,
Respectfully, Dixie
Dear Dave,
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to ply you with advice or anything (not this time) but would really just like to echo the sentiments of Dixie's rather lovely comment (I wish I had more like that!).
Indeed, please don't give up hope, Dave. People can and do recover from illnesses even as severe as mine (schizophrenia). I have seen it happen, most obviously with myself. So, as Dixie says, you never know really how your life can change or what awaits you. The difference in my life has been monumental- it almost feels as if I have had two, or three, if I count pre-illness, existences. So never give in, Dave (and now I sound like Winston Churchill), I know that you believe in yourself, if only a little, but from small acorns mighty oaks can grow.
Don't know whether this means anything to you, Dave, but still, might I wish you a more encouraging and positive 2010.
Yours with Very Best Wishes,
David.
Dear,Dixie,you have been a tower of strength to me,at the times I have felt deserted,no words can express my gratitude for your kindness and understanding.Your destiny ,and your despair ,have given you a depth of wisdom, I will ever equal,I am blessed to have you as a friend[i hope]and a voice of reason,in my emotional wasteland.Your strngth of self -belief, and faith never fails to fill me with wonder.I cannot begin to thank you enough for your deep compassion,and capacity for love.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteDear David,the fact that you take the time out to post such supportive commentsDOES mean a lot ,your encouragement is always appreciated with great respect.I have to admit I find it hard to see through this black hole ,I am digging deep,in the hope of light giving me the vision to get back on track.Your contact,anyones contact ,is a positive gift ,i do not expect,so they give me new found hope .I wish you the very best of times in 2010, cotinued happiness to you.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteHi Dave.s,
ReplyDeleteJust popped in to say: Happy New Year to you. It's 3 a.m. there and 10 p.m. here...so I'm too late and too early, at the same time. (haha):)
Hope you've had good news about your Mum. I've begun to light my meditation candles for 2010. Hope you don't mind, but I'll have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Many blessings to you,
Dixie
Sorry this is late,Dixie,computers been out of action.Thanks for your concern ,and bless you for your kind thought,it is much appreciated.Mum is back at home ,I still have a way to go,I remain stoical that things are on the up ,a belated happy new year.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDeleteHi Dave.s,
ReplyDeleteHaven't been well; traveling in my head, which seems to be on vacation from hell. But I am so glad to hear you're on here; things are some better for you; and your Mum is home resting. Okay, so I'll check on you again soon. Give Sheba a nice pat on the head from me. Bye for now. respect and kindness, Dxie
Hello,Dixie,I do hope things improve for you ,my thoughts are with you,wishing you good health,and peace in your thoughts and heart.Sheba says thanks[I CAN speak alsation]Things will turn out right, i believe you will come to a better place ,it is meant to be.PEACE.Dave.s
ReplyDelete