My story

Imake no apologies for writing this blog,its something Ineed to do for my own good. About last September/OCTOBER,Ihad a good friend ,one i trusted,cared about ,and respected,all seemed to be well, but i did know this friend was being put under undue pressure,by the "mental health" charity, we were both helping.I did what i could to support, and nothing changed.Soon after ,things took a turn for the worst.They had indicated to me ,they could not cope,and did not to live.I did my best ,to make sure they were O.K,and promised to ring them later[which i did]NOanswer eventually i informed the relevant people,and was reassured all would be fine.Subsequently.i found out, there had been a suicide attempt.this person recovered later ,and i vowed to make sure that they were supported by myself in every way i could think of.Things seemed to settle ,and carried on as before,until i got a phone call ,saying not to contact my [ex]friend,for unknown reasons,all contact was stopped.this was devastating to me ,as i had lost who i regarded as a real friend,for what?Icontinued to try to find out why,but got nothing but animosity , or nothing at all.This culminated ,in me being told to keep away from said person, in all forms AT ALL.Imagine my despair ,at being ,at being told ,one of my only friends,wanted rid of me ,and not knowing why.Iwasalso told i could not work there anymore too,and blamed , for what?I had now lost a Friend ,my work [which i am passionate aout]and all trust i had built for anyone,not to mention ,my sense of belonging, and being valued and a part of something.So what am i now, where is my purpose, i have been set back decades,just for caring ,and wanting to be a friend.To anyone who knows me ,my friends are eveerything to me ,to lose one ,like this,still hurts ,i am now feeling quite ill ,with worry ,and because i do not believe i deserve to have trusted friends.The emotional pain of being set back,feeling unwelcome ,and ridiculed,is too much to bear.Ikeep trying ,but no-one wants to know,they all judge me .Sonow i am alone within myself, not knowing who i should be,or if i have the strength to start over,just to get knocked back.Ican only be myself, obviously that is not enough.If this sounds negative , it IS,it is the real meNOW.