Tuesday 19 May 2009
is it worth it?
the anger is still here,the injustice,the loneliness, why wont anyone allow me to get close?is it the way i look?the hobbies i have ,even my belief system?out of the mix,after two yrs, making every effort ,to be empathetic,understanding,learning what i can.be yourself ,they say,give it time,now what?i can feel myself getting wound up by it all [right now]48yrs,of trying to do the right thing,getting ,abused ,ignored,treated like a half wit,trying to fit in ,why?at least ,i am myself now,stil treated the same way,but knowing better,cold comfort ,when i am still without real company.am i so evil?i am not a "people pleaser",but i am honest ,courteous,empathetic,and understanding.i just do not get it ,how can this be?perhaps i donot deserve real relationships,yet i see all sorts of selfish,ignorant ,abusive people with groups of close friends.a rant ,yes ,but true nonetheless.do i expect too much?my nervous energy is at an all time low,thats when these thoughts start to dominate.i have all but stopped feeling pleasure[maybe ,it would be better if i felt nothing?no doubt most people would have stopped reading,within30seconds,does that say it all ?lots of questions ,i do not have any answers to.i tell myself to be patient,still ,nothing happens.it still hurts ,my whole life ,one big rejection.i write this ,dispassionately"be transparent"i have been,and everyone stays away in their droves.is it fear?am i too intense,...maybe there are no real answers ?can you tell ,i am ahving a bad day,arent i just a ray of sunshine.................................
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Dear David,
ReplyDeleteI know that life has been a series of disappointments and stumbling blocks for you.
You say you are angry. Yet the negative energy of your anger will not improve your world.
David, my life these days is very similar to yours. Rejection and indifference by others who I thought had empathetic values almost got to me.
You know you have not been ignored by me. You have been getting wonderful support on your blog. I, among others, has shown you genuine caring and empathy. I have been there for you and given you support.
Lately has been a most testing time. A testing time that I have also experienced in my own way. Yet, my friend, do not dwell on that disgraceful treatment that you received and I received from a mental health charity that showed the more distasteful sides of human nature.
Take comfort that you are now going to explore new avenues in your life. As you social network, you will find that there are people who will respect you. I like to think that I have proven this to you in my own empathetic responses to your plight.
Rejoice in who you are and that ray of sunshine will warm you. Kind wishes, Gary.
with ,respect ,gary,we all percieve our own circumstances differently,because they are different.this blog post ,was not ,in any way an attack at any of the few "real"people i have benefitted from[especially yourself.its an example ,of my mindset ,at that moment,i hope it has shown ,that i do come from a dark place ,sometimes,we all do.transparency ,the dark side !
ReplyDeletedave.s, this blog is great, and I wish it were you reading it, the way I’m reading it!! “Is it wroth it?” By all means dear man… you are on the path. Look out alien world.
ReplyDeleteFor me, anger can assist me in clarified thinking. It brings all the nasty boos to the surface and I see them for what they are… not as what I have made them to look like.
Your anger is akin to my “time wait”. I would like to move on but at the same time, I know that time needs to do what it normally does… to mark the days until I have my treasured dream.
“Is it worth it? Dave.s you’re worth it! Get on with it. Keep writing and telling us what we don’t have the nerve to say. Meanwhile I hope others will find the courage to acknowledge your gracious sharing! Be kind and gentle with yourself. We won’t you around for a long time. (p.s. tell the little ones hello)
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ReplyDelete[["why wont anyone allow me to get close?']]
ReplyDeleteDave this is your question. By now you know the answer. Right now, I just discovered the answer. It is my opinion that you don't want anyone to be closer unless it is on your terms. What is often called, "all or nothing." No compromise, no in between. Your way or the highway. It doesn't give people much room to move and be in your world.
I understand this. I was an all or nothing person for decades. So if you're mad or upset over what I've said, leave whatever you'd like for me to read. Because...I will read and learn from your words. I will not let the all or nothing person in me suck the life out of my body! And I send you positive waves so you can understand that too. You deserve a happy life; so let yourself have one! Peace, Dixie