trepidation

This time I have to look at the good things in my life,even in this bleak time ,there is much to be grateful for.The slow process of learning who I am, valuing my attributes,my own good qualities,I am still as open and compassionate as anyone I know.Even if no-one else can see it,I know my heart is good ,my spirit willing,and that I do care about others,perhaps too much.Instead of looking at my failings,it will help me to see the good in me.Frustrsating as things seem ,I know that patience will get me through this hard time.Blame, has never solved any problem,when the heart of it is within myself.Trusting others ,is a bugbear of mine ,a constant paranoia of deceit,and lies.The issue seems to be around sharin,or rather lack of it ,I give of myself,completely,and others never have,breeding mistrust,mystery is one thing ,duplicity ,another.Back to positive matters,I still have realistic dreams,something to live and grow for.It is an ever steeper learning curve,painful,in many instances,but vital.There are many good folk that have helped me, in my times of trouble,both wisely ,and compassionately,they are always highly valued.So ,all the trials ive endured ,have not been wasted,there is always an up side,the balance ,is way out, though.I try to see the good in people,its just so difficult to,I am very guarded now,so many have deceived me it is a slow process.Whats the point of all this introspection,I wish there was a definitive answer,but,no,its a cathartic process,I just hope others can see something in all this emotive writing[does anyone know what all this mean anything]if so I have achieved something,another positive.

thank you for being a ?

Funny old week,doesnt rain ,it pours,losing out ,in all ways,still dont know why.I do not lie to friends,I never take advantage ,yet I feel the guilty one,until now.It is not my mistrust, or my doubts that are in question here ,yet I have paid ,again,for what?There is so much wrong in my life ,maybe it is my fault, am I such an offensive person that no- one ,anywhere wants to have me as a friend?Within my own perceptions,truthfully ,I know my motives for wanting company ,are all genuine,no deception ,it is not my way.Having been alienated,it is just another vindication of my cynical outlook.When do I start to realise that no-one wants to know?There arent any answers ,which is perplexing,how to find solutions ,my belief in myself ,is still strong.How do I find so many apathetic people,cries of anguish yet nothing but silence,so much of it.I am aware of others feelings ,try to be sensitive,compassionate,decent,it confounds me,what more can I do?Yet folk turn their back on me in droves,my illness is not a curse,it is a small part of my whole.There is little else to say ,except that ,rejection is so often a part of this life,and it is wrong to hurt others,for their devotion to empathy,and honesty.I will never turn away people despite being hurt countless times,I know I am worthy of friendship,it still eludes me,no idea where I go from here ,alone or not,in this apathetic world,I still care ,and will speak up when injustice prevents the good of us from being ourselves.If that is wrong,then I AM TOO.I will not be prevented from living my life,I deserve to be treated as a decent ,caring person.

Dont lose that number.

Taking this year,as a measure,of managing my illness ,it has been hard work ,with nothing to show but grief.Doors are closing people are dissapearing, it has been a devastating time .When no-one believes you ,you are totally alone,what next?Its funny,everyone wants to know you when things are working out ,when you REALLY need them ,you are left out in the cold.It seems no-one can put up wth me,my truth, empty cries into space,its utterly despairing.SO I now know that there is little honour in being a gentle compassionate human being.All the pain,and cold hearted people i have found ,am i a magnet for the ones who use decent ,vulnerable poeple.So my support is totally non-existant.PEOPLE have chosen to ignore my position, and i am powerless to reverse this.i AM NOTgiving up ,I came to a point ,where i was about to delete this blog ,and disconnect any contact,too late .Things dont improve, I keep on digging deeper ,whatever people think I know I am doing my best,no matter what other parties think.If no-one else has faith in me ,i do.

ROCKET SCIENCE

I find it hard to understand so called PROFESSIONALS,fail to see when someone is in distress,despite the fact that it is me ,who has put myself out ,in the torrential downpour,soaking me.No basic knowledge of what to look for ,when someone is starting to panic, instead ,all i got ,was blanked,do i turn invisible when i walk into a room?Funding ,in these charities ,takes precedence over people ,defeats the object,of their being there,someone is missing the point.It is wrong ,that charities have to take the reins in mental health instances,but money is their priority so how come paid staff dont see something that is so obvious,when i can?I go to show support ,and i get backs turned on me,it does annoy me ,when decent folk ,are not given basic acknowledgement of their prescence.The most common problems are surrounding confidence,and feeling valued,speaking personally.It makes me ill ,to think of all the effort I put in ,for no reward,why should I?I GAIN NOTHING,AND COME BACK HOME FEELING UTTERLY DEJECTED.It is heart-breaking, to think that valuable people,are not given the simplest of treatment,which any human being deserve.Am i too sensitive,well sue me for it,it is a gift ,and an important part of me,it stays.There ,i have said my piece,Idoubt anything will change,the wrong people are running these facilities,as a result ,many people are left out in the cold.And no ,I have not given up on forming a self-help group/social, for people who feel the need for support ,company,or friendship.This just makes me more sure it is needed,for the good of others ,not cash ,or power.I will just end ,by saying that,there are good hearted people out there,make sure that these people KNOW,their true worth,they are too rare ,so cherish them ,as I do.PEACE

UNDERSTANDING

Seems to me,that all this anguish ,is lack of understanding,i do what i can ,but have finite limits,i still need co-operation.I am aware that some cope well alone ,or with a small circle of friends,I have hobsons choice,isolation,and self destruction,or mix with people who are detrimental to my health.I am also aware ,that this site is not the most cheerful ,or poetic,or interesting,my fault.I do know that it is the truth ,from my standpoint,it may be difficult ,at times ,as i can be,isolation does me no good,i feel blamed for being ill.Who ,given a chance,would choose to be excluded from work ,relationships and all the other things that others seem to forget they have ,when judging me.People do not seem to take in ,the fact ,that company ,does not mean computer chat lines ,but real people,face to face ,human beings, not cold type face.This is why i feel this way,the truth might be ,that i am not of enough importance to them.I do appreciate contact,there are good people on internet sites,there is no blame attached here,simply the situation as it is NOW.Perhaps I should not have ventured out at all ,then I WOULD NOT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS,CARRYING ON AS A RECLUSE ,but i did ,and now things are not working out,it is crushingly dissapointing.This BLOG, is the reason I am still expressing my thoughts/feelings,at times it is my only means of communication.All this really boils down to ,is the need to communicate feelings,and find others who understand them.Still struggling with both.The outlook ,to me,is bleak,too long has passed for me to just get back into things as they were before.Ihope the so-called charity who instigated this character assisination,has shame,because I know they have hurt many ,and just let them go,like so much disposable cattle.They will not win ,no matter how much this hurts[still]their turns are coming in due course.I can get through this,God knows how,but it will happen,even if it feels to me, like a lone stand, I will stand tall ,knowing i have right ,on my side,compassion as my guide ,and love in my heart,no-one will take my true qualities away.I do believe i can do better, given the circumstances,it is all there is to say.

twice shy

How things can change[sic]in one year,just over a year ago,i was progressing ,feeling more confident,growing ,in all positive way,had lots of support,felt needed,useful,kept busy.In short,things finally seemed to be turning around,aseries of ,er,unfortunate events conspired to put all this on hold,i still get angry ,because i find myself regressing to my former self.One thing I said I would never happen.All the old thoughts come flooding back,still feel alone in this shell,tired ,is this all there is?Even my arthritis seems worse, i feel i have no-one on my side,are these just perceptions?If that is so ,why cant I turn them around?There seem so many negatives,i need other people to bounce off,to share experiences ,finding new ways to cope,confidence is a limiting factor,I need to get some backHOW?I know there are no definitive answers,that would be too easy.DONT KNOW,how this all sounds to anyone,IT is meant as a release,purely theraputic,hopefully someone,somewhere will understand my plight.i HAVE TO KEEP ON TRYING TO WORK THIS THROUGH.It is not all bad news ,there are some new irons in the fire,but i remain reluctant to count on anything,once bitten.............

ONE IN THE MORNING

It is ONE in the morning,no sleep,simply not right,it is wearing me out .Constant low moods ,coupled with anxiety,are not acceptable, I cannot focus ,or keep up the fight with depression,and ,have no sleep,it is no use to me .The dog is unsettled, i am getting more annoyed with this constant disruption,it is affecting my progress,I am really putting effort into everything, its just not happening.Most of the issues are related to,me,not being able to relax,allowing bad habits to return.I know ,through past experience,things do turn,its just that I am right in the densest ,darkest of worlds in my minds eye. Why i punish myself, is the main question , I have no qualms about my actions,or indeed my principles. I ignore the abuse, testily ,yes, but it is done,what is there left?I do try to see others points of view,not judging,or having a closed mind.I am at a loss as to what to do next.All the CBT,in the world will not solve this.Circles,just another vicious circle, and one that continually ,flummoxs me,why am I still in this situation,everyone else has gotten ,jobs ,new friends, different lives, me I am still in this black hole.Am i stuck in a rut ,is it ill fortune,or bad judgement,what?Sorry ,if this sounds so dour it is truth,not pretty, or aspirational,it is what it is.IT WOULD SEEM THAT i AM AT MY WITS END.I would dearly love to be part of a group of friends,to share my thoughts with,never happened.My intentions for the group are still alive,barely,not the most patient person i know,ITS BEEN SO LONG.It is still in the far distance,like the dream ,you keep on running toward your goal,and it stays the same distance away.No clever way out of this ,i will say that I appreciate the help i have had from others,it must be me beating myself with a big stick again.PEACE TO YOU ALL [AHEM]HOP YOUR WEEKEND IS PLEASANT.

dire

There once was a man ,so alone, who pondered on why he dropped like a stone.Every time he went out,was ignored ,by all but louts.So he stayed in ,waiting for the ring of the phone.

a short story

At this point ,I thought that I should give folks some background on my illness,and how I came to this stage in my life.As a five year old ,I recall standing ,adrift from everyone ,alone ,different,no idea why.This feeling of being seperate from all others , still lingers in my mind,at this very moment.I seemed to feel inferior to others ,as a result,thats how they treated me.I had a close friend, who was a loyal ,creative person, exceptionally talented,and driven in his ambition.It suited me ,to stand in his shadow,less stressful,and I got to meet some vey different accepting people.A marked contrast to the ignorance to my former experiences[and , incidentally ,right now.]In my teens I was in a constant state of anxiety,and painfully self conscious,then ,the real problems began.Having no idea of who I was,it was clear that,in my mind no female would ever want me[still dont],I saw no reason to live ,if it was alone.When my only friend left ,to pursue his [very successful]career,it only served to reinforce my fears.After being forced out of school,by scumbags bullying me ,I was bereft,my worst fears had come true,truly alone.Then, a series of attempted suicides followed which all failed miserably[duh],and a series of breakdowns treated by medication ,and little else,no -one sat me down , and told me these were ordinary emotions,or how I could counteract them,and that they were not MY fault.Fast forward to the present day, those thoughts of being worthless,being rejected,are not in the forefront of my mind,they still lurk in the darker recesses of my mind ,only to pop up at the worst moment,and haunt me.Many times I sought out the wrong crowd ,demeaning,abusive,and ignorant ,the only people i knew.This only served to worsen my condition.Through some self education ,and some wonderful people,some of whom are still supporting me,I began to realise I was a good person,and through my experiences,could contribute,and help others.I am no in a better position to gain ,at least some,perspective.It is an ongoing process I need to constantly remind myself ,that I AM a decent ,worthy ,valuable person People can be cruel ,but I now know ,that I choose how I feel about me ,I dont control their actions,or thoughts.This has been a brief coverage of some of the watershed moments in my life .It is a tiny part of the whole picture,and I hope it has shed some light on why I am who I am.

priorities

A few weeks ago,my mother was rushed into hospital,with fluid on the lungs,caused by heart problems.Everything changed, my world went into a daze,and it all seemed pointless.When Mum gradually got better I became more myself,but i am still not completely at ease.This has been brought home ,once again,as Mum is ill again ,now I start to regress to that awful time before.This is not the best news,i was hoping this posting would be more upbeat,but i have to tell things as they are.I do know,that people out there ,care,and will support me ,even if its via this resource.With some fortune,this time we can avoid a repeat,and things will turn out well.The first reason I had intended this blog to appear ,was because it was not getting many comments.Now,that seems petty,the things that DO matter have been made clear,in an all too painful way.My own mental health issues have been shelved[priorities]at this time .I do need to continue with the plans that have developed,to retain some kind of normality,a distraction from my own problems.My reasons for beginning this BLOG were mainly theraputic ,but also to join the blogging community,and feel a part of something.I have never claimed to be wise ,or bright,or even qualified,I am only an ordinary person ,learning to live with, what sometimes seem like endless challenges.It is always a conflict , to me , a constant battle,always trying to see the good in others ,despite setbacks, I remain resolute in my beliefs ,and my need to continue to help people ,if at all possible, is still of paramount importance,especially now.So ,if anyone does read this,let others knnow ,if ou can think of anyone who needs such support,please,inform them,and I will be eternally grateful.

FILLING THAT HOLE

nOW THAT i HAVE BEGUN TO PUT THE WHEELS IN MOTION.[ALBEIT WITH NOT A LITTLE HELP]RE:THE SELF HELP GROUP,I FEEL A SENSE OF PURPOSE.I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD HAVE THE COURAGE TO START SUCH A THING,INITIATE IT,IT JUST NEEDS PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR NEEDS TO MAKE THAT FIRST STEP.I HAVE LACKED SUPPORT,DIRECTION AT THE WEEKENDS,ALWAYS AT MY WORST.IT IS THEREFORE APPARENT,THERE IS A GENUINE NEED FOR THIS RESOURCE.THE PAST YEAR HAS BEEN A HARD ONE,LOSING MY IDENTITY,MY STUCTURE,REGRESSING ME BACK TO THAT DARK PLACE.SEEMS THIS WAS A DOWNHILL SLOPE,WITH NO BRAKES,WITHOUT ANY WAY BACK.BUT AMONGST ALL THIS PAIN,THERE WAS A TINY RAY OF LIGHT,POKING THROUGH THE DARKNESS.AN IDEA,JUST A NEED TO HELP OTHERS ,AND MYSELF,A REAL NEED TO FOLLOW A PATH THAT I KNOW IS RIGHT FOR ME.THE HEARTENING THING,IS THAT ,SUPPORTIVE,DECENT PEOPLE,HAVE THE BELIEF IN THIS ,TO GIVE ME SOMEREAL HELP/ADVICE ,THIS IS PRICELESS TO ME,SO BLESS THEM FOR THEIR FAITH.THE FUTURE STILL SEEMS UNSURE,BUT NOW I HAVE SOME GOALS,AND A NEED TO BE USEFUL.ALL THIS ,IS JUST MY WAY OF EXPRESSING GRATITUDE,AND A NEWFOUND HOPE ,I NEVER FORESAW ANY OF THIS,BUT I AM NOT LETTING THIS IDEA FADE INTO NOTHING.IT BURNS BRIGHTLY INSIDE ME ,MORE THAN AN IDEA , A SYMBOL OF MY OUTLOOK ,AND SELF BELIEF, A FUTURE WITH BRIGHTNESS,HOPE ,REALISTIC HOPE.ANYONE COULD DO THIS,IT IS A QUESTION OF FINDING A VOID ,AND FILLING IT WITH RESOURCE,SOMETHING TO REPLACE MY SELF DESTRUCTIVE NATURE.I AM TRYING TO TURN THINGS ROUND,SLOWLY ,WITH DETERMINATION,THINGS WILL PROGRESS,IT HAS TO HAPPEN.I DO BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

PASSIONS

This posting ,is a break from all the analysis, and introspection,it will focus on my passions.During the course of my life ,there have always been constants.The main one being music,the other motorcycles,equally loved ,they are in my heart ,and spirit .Music ,as I have eluded to earlier,is my rock ,faithfully picking me up ,when I fall,sometimes bringing forth the tears.It still excites me ,makes me smile ,and moves me in every day life, colouring the grey days,when they seem infinite,giving me hope.Even as a sickly child, isolated at home ,my radio ,was my constant companion,a discovery,an adventure of sound,and new emotions.It remains my faithful friend ,always with me ,in my hour of need.Motor cycles came later on ,gave me freedom,a spirit of adventure ,independence,and focus.When I am in that zone ,all else is forgottenmy wories dissapear,the only thing that matters ,is picking clean lines out on the tarmac,unwinding ,like a ribbon.The purity,and simplicity of this experience is Zen like ,nothin else invades your thoughts,pure bliss.As in music,I still am excited and enthralled by all things motorcycling, a therapy,and a self -esteem builder,simple things,not intellectual,or academic,mostly solitary,yet joyous.It is impossible to adequately do justice to this state of ONENESS,when out on the road.Both of these two pleasures bring me equal satisfaction,music ,memories ,emotions,motorcycles freedom,a sense of responsibility.I am fortunate to have these priceless tools ,both worth their weight in gold [and more]aiding my health ,in every way,they mean everything to me,LONG MAY THEY KEEP ON DOING SO.

new mentalhealth resource,in the making.

Tthis is just an explanation of what I am seeking to achieve in my new venture,re;the groups,of mutual help groups.They will be informal,friendly,non-judgemnental and relaxed,in the stoke-on -trent area.IT would be in a social context,a CHANCE FOR PEOPLE TO TALK OVER IDEAS,in a democratic,relaxed atmosphere.All people are welcome ,it is their time ,we will take on board all ideas,with equal importance.These meetings would be taking place ,firstly at the weekends,as I sense a real need for people with mental health problems,to have contact ,empathy , and some real support from like minded people.As other services are closed at this time,their is a real need for some resource ,for a safe ,non-judgemental enviroment.

HELP NEEDED

Looking back,at a certain point in my life,I said to myself,that if I had no partner by 30yrs old ,I WOULD TAKE MY OWN LIFE.Now ,at 48yrs old,there is only me ,never has been anyone,it seems irrelevant,I still have dreams,most are ghosts,in the past.My present plans are centred around setting up some kind of mutual support group,for people with similar problems to me,general mental health matters.I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC ,as yet ,no structure ,or plan,but the will is there.I have had little appropriate help at the necessary time,so I have to find help myself,no matter how ,or where.Any support, or knowledge from others ,is much appreciated, I believe that it can be done ,if enough people have the need for support ,company,and help,then I will do my best to come up with whatever is appropriate. I can only do my best , I KNOW NOTHING OF THE FORM THIS WILL TAKE,but will do all I can to help, in anyway possible.The heart ,will ,and spirit is in me ,but I Will need any help ,or thoughts,from more knowledgeable people,whereverI CAN GET IT.This is only an exploratory toe in the water ,to gauge peoples needs Any opinions will be gratefully received,I am willing to learn,listen,and take on board any formats, suggested.This is a very scary thing for me to embark on ,but it needs to be done,for my own welfare.I must stress,this is strictly voluntary,funds are not involved,so as not to corrupt the spirit of this venture.Right now ,there is only me ,and a need to keep well ,and help whoever I can.If anyone reads this ,and sees a real need, for a genuine supportive, friendly ,but confidential meeting of some kind,please contact me,via this website, or on facebook,DAVID SMITH, Profile.I will be only too happy to help,no-one will be judged,or dismissed,all are accepted and welcomed warmly.As this is only in embryo, here and now,Iknow I must be patient, but I know I CAN DO THIS.I will be willing to give of myself ,my own experience, and my real need to contribute to people who have been through similar situations[no support,or hidden agendas]Wish me well ,and I will endeavour to put myself 100%,mind,body, and spirit into this vocation,with the best possible intentions,PEACE IN YOUR HEARTS,Yours in sincerity,DAVE.S