give it time

an obvious thing to most of us ,we accept that ,not everything is instant.not so easy for us who "manage"mental health issues,thet ,at the time ,can be so despairing, and deeply unbearable,it is the last thing we want to hear,so how do us "ill" people push through these impossible times?in my case ,i take myself out of the situation[my room,outside,distract myself] in others i simply let the experience take its course,this may sound hard ,to some,and it seems hopeless at the time.[i dont underestimate the pain many go through ,when this ,simply isnt an option]and i bleed emotions,even i dont know how to explain,or fight,but i do get through them.i suppose thatmy past experiences ,in desperate situations,when i had no hope left ,something in me pulled me out ,i am still here!i look back ,and think to myself,i got through that,so i WILL get through this time too "this time too shall pass"its a question of faith,self belief, every time you win through [it is a victory]yo get a little stronger , a little wiser,and your faith in yourself grows.it is our journey,only we know what works for us ,i will not preach any method,but i do know,when we are together in this conflict, it makes us all stronger.the word is empathy,i isolated myself ,for long periods of time,believeing noone could help,having finally got up ,and,found real people,withserious problems,who are sill willing to give their invaluable wisdom, and time[and,sometimes,all it rakes is someone to listen]thi was all it took to make me realise ,that ,if i can make a difference,everyone can.its taken me so long to get here ,i cant stop now.i do hope some of this makes sense to someone,i know, it is a part of my journey,i could not have envisaged writing about[least of all publicly]this brings me back to giving it time ,without all these painfu l experiences,i would not have reached thi point,and ,believe it or not ,i actually like who i am now,all that time has given me acceptance,and faith,i need to be myself, and ,never stop learning.be happy ,you really do have a right to.

still the same

seems like a lifetime[it is]since i sat upstairs ,alone ,in my mind,literally,my creativity stifled,by mistrust,apathy,lackof self belief.how have things changed/does anyone understand?i think ,the worst part ,is ,some do ,yet stil do not reach out to connect.i am trying harder than ever to reach others ,be who i believe i should be[ i am ]where next?faith can move mountains,can it make people care? i have learned much about others recently,i am just a passing ship in the night,just a glance,thenback to the REAL people"him again"where ,ezactly do i fit in ,in this world?moving through like a ghost.i keep trying to connect,cant do it.doesnt mean i will stop trying though[i am sorely tempted to ,right now.]i will have to explore other avenues,it is exhausting.48yrs of indifference,thats a lot to counter,it is possible?does noone else believe in me?that is the message i am getting.the physical pain drains me,i will have to learn to live with it.soulmates/hah!noone will even be seen with me,i can only give so much, before i dissapear into isolation once more.the last thing i want to do,i know there are good people out there,i wish they appreciated me ,as much as i do them.and i genuinely do ,just to close,i do have some resources,they are in short supply ,at the moment.still the same,but different.

changes

after a particularly low ,isolated, christmas,it seemed like my world was falling apart.all my efforts to progress had been dashed[deliberately]by people ,who i thought had some respect for me ,an organisation i once believed my saviour, had feet of clay,fickle ,and judgemental[despite claiming theopposite].to cap it all ,in february,my beautiful gentle, friend,and pet , patch,who i adored ,and still do,had to be laid to rest[it broke me in two.]what next?despite all my desspair, a few very special people,remained,they were my rock at this time.word cannot express my gratitude for their undaunting support.soon after,my mother and i both decided we needed another prescence in the house.with heavy hearts,we set off to the city dogs home,not knowing what the future would deal us .i slowly walked along the rows of yapping ,and deepbarks, wanting to take them all with us! sitting quietly in a pen,was a pair of beautiful,gentle almond eyes,curious ,yet placid,i was in love ,my mind was set!after some discussion,and a few days wait,we had a young female alsation,SHEBA,som e things are meant to happen,she is now ,the light of my life,loyal,funny,gentle[and very noisy,i believe the silence in the pens was a ruse].we bonded in the car on our way home,she is now my constant companion,and a real joy to us all.i still think of patch,he will always be closeto my heart,his gentle nature blessed us all.i would not have chosen to lose him,but these changes were meant to happen,sometimes acceptance is our only choice.time heal ,but it does not mean we forget.some changes arent so ba d after all.

the wall

what stops communicating,fully ,openly,truly?that invisible,that invisible barrier,tightness of the chest,seizing[safety mechanisms?my last vestige of self esteem,need,doing whats right,still insufficient.no amount of cros examination,brings the wall down.if only others couldse,,what appearsto be inability to get close,is my WALL,it is uncontrollable[is it ?]i need to get through it ,that is my gaol[often,the people who push others away,and appear distant,crave that closness,intimacy,engagement,meaningful discourse,the MOSTmisunderstood?i should cocoayet i fail to see the same in others.to me ,its inadequecy,fear of rejecttion,or worse ,apathy.the other side,from my point of view,is ,it is worth the effo rt,what,exactly ,do i have to lose?balanced against the gains?armed with this knowledge/belief,i shall continue to chip away,at the icy wall between me ,and myself.it really allis about communication,most often with the most important people in my life,the few people iregard as real friends,if only to let them know,i am in their debt,how much i love ,andvalue them.they have my world.is that so wrong?so if you see me on my travels,say hi,and know that i do care,empathise,born out of fear ,the wall will die,and the real me,will walk out of the mist of repression,and i will believe...................tough times dont last,tough people do!

is it worth it?

the anger is still here,the injustice,the loneliness, why wont anyone allow me to get close?is it the way i look?the hobbies i have ,even my belief system?out of the mix,after two yrs, making every effort ,to be empathetic,understanding,learning what i can.be yourself ,they say,give it time,now what?i can feel myself getting wound up by it all [right now]48yrs,of trying to do the right thing,getting ,abused ,ignored,treated like a half wit,trying to fit in ,why?at least ,i am myself now,stil treated the same way,but knowing better,cold comfort ,when i am still without real company.am i so evil?i am not a "people pleaser",but i am honest ,courteous,empathetic,and understanding.i just do not get it ,how can this be?perhaps i donot deserve real relationships,yet i see all sorts of selfish,ignorant ,abusive people with groups of close friends.a rant ,yes ,but true nonetheless.do i expect too much?my nervous energy is at an all time low,thats when these thoughts start to dominate.i have all but stopped feeling pleasure[maybe ,it would be better if i felt nothing?no doubt most people would have stopped reading,within30seconds,does that say it all ?lots of questions ,i do not have any answers to.i tell myself to be patient,still ,nothing happens.it still hurts ,my whole life ,one big rejection.i write this ,dispassionately"be transparent"i have been,and everyone stays away in their droves.is it fear?am i too intense,...maybe there are no real answers ?can you tell ,i am ahving a bad day,arent i just a ray of sunshine.................................

dont give up.

when the shafts of sunlight cross your room ,through the curtains,in the morning,what are your first thoughts?what a beautiful day ,an opportunity to chalenge yourself, or "why me ",how do i cope ,today?positive thought ,is an art in itself,one i struggle with,sometimes try to avoid totally.its a conflict i know too well[as do most of us ]patience ,i thought i had ,was just apathy,but i now know ,i can use and grow ,with real patience,comes wisdom and enlightenment[worth waiting for ?]i suppose ,what i am saying ,is,dont give up ,if things dont work out initially,be resilient,have faith in yourself.this all ,in theory ,is a basic technique.who lives theoretical lives ?ever imagined a future event, as you see it ,and ,the real thing is a total surprise,not at all as you saw it ?i do it all the time ,one of the real reasons i started to take it as it comes,dont forecast!we al posess the strength to change how we think,it takes belief/faith ,and support.i spent 10yrs indoors ,isolating myself,because of abuse from people i believed friends,stagnant,i did not believe i could change my own circumstances ,how?the longer it went on ,the more i saw no other option,the world around me was shrinking.sometime later,[i dont know how,i started to mix,with others ,who had similar issues,progressed to do a basic college course,the upshot of which was i began to open doors,looknig forward ,not back.now ,here i am ,back where i started all those years ago.the only difference being,now i have some sense of my self worth,of my own value to others,and of my own capabilities,it is always difficult ,to take rejection,now i know,its not all about me ,its someone elses decision.i am still me !your true worth ,comes from within,not externally. its all in your own hands ,people, never allow others to stifle your true selves,spread your wings and celebrate being you!..........................and dont give up.

trick of the tail

so many people are willing to use your good nature,to ,basically ,treat you as a doormat.this leads to cynicism and mistrust,bringing about a cycle of negative behaviour.dishonesty is easy, its having the courage to tell the truth[even when youdo not gain from it yourself]thats tricky.the real matter here ,is ,being responsible for your own actions and feelingsTAKING that responsibility, it belongs to you.!dont let others bitterness and betrayal,prevent you from being the decent ,open,[which is a real strength]wonderful person you are meant ,to be.that is the only real loss here,transparency,empathy and heart,are worth more than any short term [fake]gain these, cold,empty ,people will ever see.there is no trick,no short term answer to how to deal with others beligerence, and hostility,all anyone can do ,is,be strong ,trust your own judgement,and remember,everyone gets it wrong!justice ,is a personal thing,to me ,its about my inner self, intuition,spirit,somuch deeper than just winning pointless ,battles which fullfil no purpose,who wins ? your self respect ,and esteem is too valuable to risk for pettiness.if all this seems a tad serious,i do have a lighter side,this is me working through what matters to me, believe me , i am trying to keep on top of all this "land of confusion"there is no humourous ,whimsical piece to capture your attention,i crave no acceptance ,and i know i will never be popular,there is no end to this tail.

SECONDS OUT

the worrying,and strangely,the comforting thing,about the conflicts all "mentally ill"people [negative label, i apologise]manage in our day to day lives,is that we have never really been alone.however alone you may feel someoneWILL understand,you can ,be who you want to be ,we all have the same choices/rights.given the right resources ,and faith in ourselves[we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for]i know ,this conflict can be turned around.many years previously,having been a mass of pure [negative]emotion, i tried to take my own life[having no faith in my own resilience]a C.P.N. TOLD ME ,having damaged myself so often[this was by no means an isolated incident]that i must be here for a reason,she also confessed i would make a good C.P.N.these affirmations have stuck with me,only now , ican see ,she was right.[my warmest blessings to you elaine].it took twenty years to get here ,but i AM here.in a funny way ,it has been destiny.the motivation is coming, the real fight starts here DING! DING!

there must be some misunderstanding

someone once explained to me,that to get the negative thoughts out of your mind ,onto paper,would help with perspective? personally i would say it depends on your frame of mind WHEN you do so .thats just a brief example of how negative my feelings are [closing doors again]i do know ,that i need to stop expecting others to behave the way i expect.[thats always a recipe for misunderstanding<]why doesnt everyone else see the pain they cause people,or how deeply they hurt me,and how desperately i need to express my affecttion,gratitude[without reading something else?]why dont they appreciate the same things i do?and why are they so ambivalent[or just plain cold] to my warmth,sensitivity and deeply caring nature?why should they be?they cannot read my mind ,they too have worries, families, fears,hopes and fears.i am really trying to see the good in people,they dont make it easy,but ,i know ,thatneither do i! in my isolation ,perspective is difficult to find,remember ,others have their preoccupations ,their pain.the real point here,is i have to look outside of myself to truly see whats actually inside. does that make sense? empathy is a powerful thing,its just another thing ,i will carry on my journey.

genesis;wheredoes it start?

so ,this is ,me dave.s.i am 48 yrs old [live at home]and for most of my life have lived with depression/anxiety, and the uncertainty that goes with it .i recall standing in the schoolyard, wondering why ,at 4yrs old ,i felt profoundly alone ,seperate,apart.throughout school, and,even now i have stood in others shadows,who am i ?i guess that ,was the start of my troubles.not being allowed to be myself,trying in vain ,to fit in[round peg,square hole]and being abused because i did not.who do i trust ,they all seem to let me down?it is with me always,even in my dreams,so i try to distract my thoughts to others,in my teens ,i was plagued by self doubt ,indifference, and confusion,and little ,or no faith in myself ,or others.friendless,isolated,hopeless.the past few years ,have seen me realise, that i do possess,good qualities,of use to others.only now ,after decades of self loathing,iam now beginning to value myself,and have come to realise i am capable of attaining gaols i had all butr elinquished.the time has come for this flower to blossom.iam now realising my true worth.AMEN!

trouble in sight

how do you solve the unsolvable?what you dont know cant hurt you /wanna bet?i am reffering to my recruitment to a "mental health" organisation,with the best of intentions, and the worst of results .no matter how much you believe people ,they are still,just people,[same needs ,faults ,weaknesses]i have had my faith, and trust ,severely tested ,to my limited strenghts .i now know ,despite my difficult past, i am still a worthwhile, valuable ,creative person.with much to give ,i just need to be allowed to give it? the furure ,to me[at this point] is bleak,but i will continue to search for my truth.it is ,after all ,my perceptions, that shape my, actions ,words,interactions.the thing i crave the most,is the thing i avoid,company,understanding,empathy.its not new,most folk will be familiar with this scenario.easieer said than done ,it makes me physically sick with worry.[now]i have always felt seperated from others,it seems i was right .

i have finally made the leap

this has been a long time coming!before i begin,there are so many people who have inspired, and encouraged me to write down my thoughts,feelings to try to se for myself ,if i am able to be as expressive as i would wish,my warmest blessings to you all., where to start?i 'll just say that ,first of all ,i am single 48 yrs old [still at home!]this is really about my perceptions through the eyes of someone who has "mental health problems" and my experiences/relationships[mostly short, and painful]and what i see ,sometimes ,as a conflict between my values ,lack of self belief,in a hostile world[more negativity]the positive sidee ,is that i now know i have a choice,as tto how i deal with my own thoughts,which i believe colours the world as i see it.i am ,in my heart, someone who loves words ,is an avid motorcycles fanatic, and my world is enhanced in evry way ,by all kinds o f music.my aim ,like so many,is to challenge the negative perceptions of people with any kind of mental health prolbems,nobodies perfect!1 the important thing is ,this is a start,apologies to all ,it wil get better![good intentions, eh/?