enough

Too ill,and empty to carry on ,this will be my last posting for now,cannot say if i will return.

how long

I will not apologise for writing this ,it is too close for me to deal with alone ,soI have to write it down.The black moods ,and deep sense of isolation ,that I feel,are getting too painful for me to continue coping with.Yes , I have contacts on the websites ,nothing here ,and it is proving too much.I keep on fighting this despair,cannot do it .I will probably be judged for this ,but it is my heart being broken,agonisingly.Everyone else seems to find a way ,I do not see any.This is the toughest time I have ever gone through,and i dont deserve any more alienation,or pain. i know this.

support,and health

tHIS PAST WEEK,has been a trial of strength ,patience,and my own perceptions.Thankfully IT is past,at least for the present,and I can start to rebuild my mental health.Over the last few months ,my health has gotten worse ,both physically ,and trust -wise, with others ,along with black moods which have blighted any attempts to help myself.One step forward, two steps back,so no progress so far .I will not be deterred from continuing on my way toward my goals this is a setback ,not an end.The messages I have been sent from so many dear people,and support from friends,I will never forget,it has galvanised my determination,so THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.Having virually watched helplessly,with my M other dying [as I thought]in front of my eyes,it has been a traumatic time,and my own health has uffered as a result.The bond between myself , and my parent is a powerful one ,which is now even stronger through this time.My trust of others has suffered, because of my perceptions of their words ,actions, and attitudes.Which I am now realising were purely my own misinterpretations.I have not quite learned to be less harsh on myself,which is something i have not yet developed.The learning curve is a steep one,but not unsurmountable,so I will continue to fight this conflict within myself,now knowing that I am not a alone as before.A positive with which to take heart.

PAIN

Pain,as I see it has two basic forms:mental,and physical,mental, being mental ill health[depression,anxiety,paranoia.Physical being caused by all manner of things,accidents,illness,arthritis,etc.My current problem,is the latter,mental distress,the real difficulty with this,is that a pain killer will not work,nor does the despair relent in a short time.I am at a loss as to how to diminish my current issues ,isolation ,loss,and,a feeling of rejection[which I am only too used to],it is gathering momentum,and I am unable to stop it.This is compounded by arthritis,and spinal problems,which seem to set one another off.My constant state of introspection,does not help,as I know I am self-destructive.Trying to be rational,without an impartial view from someone ,is an impossibility,so I must put up with this torment,until ,I can end it,have no idea how,but I will not be able to stand it much longer.I simply see it all fading away.Do people not see how hard I am trying ,just to survive?

sad ,but true

This is what I GET ,FOR GIVING ALL OF MYSELF,HELPING WHO I CAN,AND DOING MY ABSOLUTE BEST.I have never put in more effort to help myself,and I am ,at best an also ran,in someone elses shadow.Where are friends ,when I need someone to talk to ,in person,company,unless I make the running ,no-one bothers.NOT good for my self-esteem,which is eroding with every minute,one person ,is on My side [mother],when she goes ,I will go too ,what point is there being where no-one cares whether I live or die.In short ,we exsist for each other,no more no,less.I am tired of being tolerant ,making allowances for others ,and paying for it.After 48yrs, I still have no-one who is willing to be there, when I need them the most.Which is why,at this moment,Mum is in hospital ,with me left alone,while all other are confiding in their friends,it is way too late to pretend that things will change now.I was there this morning ,there when my parent thought she was dying ,in the ambulance,at the hospital,left alone back at home to soak in the despair.Why make any effort ,all I get is overlooked.This is a dev astating time,who cares enough to sit with me ,and just be there /.....................................

EMPTINESS

As this is the only place left,where I can express my true feelings,then i shall do so.This year has been a disaster,and is getting worse,never thought i would be posting at three a.m.It is true to say,that my resources have all but disappeared,as well as being physically unwell,the people around me ,deem themselves judge and jury.I have been used ,and it is not good enough,left powerless to challenge,so must repress my feelings.For the first time in many years ,I found myself so desperate, all i had was floods of tears to console me.I cannot cut my emotions,until I FEEL NOTHING,i wish i could.I am fighting for my life here,because ,I truly dont believe ,this despair ,day in ,day out, is living,and I am so tired of trying to connect,and giving all ,getting emptiness.I have nothing left inside,I know I cannot live all my life without some closeness ,in it It is sad ,that the one place I can say this,is to a computer,not a person.I thought I had moved a long way in my recovery,not true,I put my trust,in people,who betrayed it ,it has damaged me too much.I can only see one way out ,and i thought i had those days behind,well they are back,regression.This only adds to my isolation,no-one wants to listen"I should know better",the fact is i should not be here at all,but I am to most peoples indifference,surely I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS?

being myself

I will try to be open about my feelings ,recently,theres been an imbalance in my life .I am insecure in my relationships,to the point of self destruction,and its not getting any better.I suppose that I should be thankful for any relationships,as everyone knows,they can be painful,and with a combination of a sequence of unfortunate coincidences,is pushing things to the brink.Trying to find some perspective in all this,is what I am lacking,a step back is important to see the reality.Patience is an ongoing theme in these posts,thats because,it is vital in my management of problems in everyday life.Instead of looking for people to let me down,I should be better to myself,take more care of myself,make sure my health is taken care of ,before worrying about others.People keep telling me ,I am too hard on myself,how do I stop that?Years of constant digs and chipping at my confidence,has left me almost believeing this ROT.I do know the truth,is so different,I now know ,that I am caring ,compassionate,decent,open -minded ,intelligent person.Yet ,I have to keep this forever in the forefront of my mind,while all this garbage is festering in the subconscious,only now ,has it been brought to the fore,causing all this misery,and anguish.Heres me ,thinking I had dealt with all these issues,and they come right back to haunt me.To try and put a positive spin on this,[heres the hard bit]I now know that I can go through all this ,yet still remain intact,re;I still have self respect,honesty, and compaassion.I am still here,better for it,another lesson learned.

dazed and confused

Today, has been a difficult one,confounded my senses,left me dazed and confused by events.You never know what to expect,routines are destroyed, friendships tested,and mental health challenged.What have I learned from this nonsensical mess?Never take anything for granted,appreciate what you do have ,and believe you are worth as much as anyone.I have been through the whole gamut of emotions,from optimism,anger,to despair and loss,and back again.The whole thing ,has to be forgotten,a nothing day,it has set me back years ,this last few weeks.I will keep trying,though I do not any logical reason why I should.I have no bloody choice, thats why, being me is not easy[wanna swap],at the same time ,there ar things i realise i am lucky to have .Why is it ,when you are in this fog of despair ,you cannot see them?I find no pleasure in anything at the moment,so it is a grey existence,this will not last forever,as I know from experience.The worst thing ,is these huge dips in mood,like falling into an abyss of hopelessness,yet you keep on clawing your way back up, inexorably until you begin to see some light.That point seems so far away,at this time.But small steps,eat up long journeys,and thats how my life is ,small steps,frustratingly so.Patience is a virtue,so they say,I dont feel very virtuos at the moment,who knows ,things might start to gell, as long as i stay stoical,and believe in myself.

managing

IF i know one thing ,its management of problems, is the realistic to recovery.NO easy two week plan ,or one drug.No "happy pill",which is why we have to find our own way to cope ,in day to day life.There will always be peaks and troughs,no-ones life ,is all positive,and happy,you are bound to have tough times.I am still having difficulty accepting the despair that is depression.There is a saying ,this time ,too will pass,nothing is permanent.However unbearable you feel things are ,you can come through them.Now ,is not a good time ,for me,so I will find it hard to see any good coming from my illness.I have been here before ,and will get through it ,doesnt feel like it ,didnt before,it will happen.The trouble ,is ,no two times are the same ,different problems,different solutions,feels like someone is testing us,forever changing our perceptions.And ..........breathe.These negative feelings can spiral,I just seem to allow this to happen,perspective is a good way of stopping this[talking to others,refocussing]if you can.Using hobbies,activities,reding ,music,art ,having friends who understand.Its about resources,building positve means ,to cope with the down times,still working on them,still hard,there are setbacks[now,for instance]just makes the good times more sweet.Living in the NOW,is never going to be all sunshine,nothing is.When the sun does come out,it is all the brighter,colours are brighter,life is good.Treasure these times,they are sometimes rare,but always better for it.

being ill

Last weekend ,I was feeling good ,because I had people to talk to ,and other places to be.The problems begin ,when you crave contact ,someone to connect with,and no-one wants to know.Is it a personal thing?/or is it just that folk have other places to be?I do know how it feels ,but how do I stop myself from making this an issue ,when i should know better?It all has to do with my past ,and the fact ,that I have never had many friends,my fear of losing what I have has me panicking[has it begun again]Over the last week or so ,it has become a real thorn in my side,causing anxiety,panic, and diminishing my confidence/self worth.This has affected my sleep ,perceptions,and what few relationships I have.Trust ,again,has come between me ,and my mental health,Idoubt this issue will ever be left in the past,where it belongs.What I need ,is a positive friendship,not just a phone call,someone who affirms my status,and is easy to access,YEAH,RIGHT,it is not going to happen.I also know that my physical health is getting worse too.I have to keep on trying,but it is dragging me down,right now.Ihave always felt that I am last on peoples list of priorities[is that me ?]and Iam not worthy of having a friend.Negative thinking,but I am not well ,as this posting reflects,hope everyone understands.

This ,for me ,is the subjectthat affected me ,totally,more than any other.When people think about themselves,how do they view this[literally].In my heart ,Iknow I am a loving worthy ,person.Outside ,and in the mirror,I hate myself ,to put it bluntly ,I am ugly[a fact not a perception.One reason ,why there is no picture of me, in this blog.I can truthfully say ,I am judged on this first,some,totally.When first realised this,it helped me understand why others treated[still do]me with contempt ,ridicule ,and hate.I have great trouble writing this blog ,it deeply hurts me ,in all ways.It is ,I am sure the reason no-one will get close to me [women],I have give of myself ,always opened my heart,and been as loving as I can.I AM alwya in the shadow of someone else.I do yearn to be close to someone,but I know ,it will never happen,and that saddens me .At present ,I keep on trying to be friends,and I am always at arms length .The way I look ,is not ,the real me ,however it HAS stifled my confidence,to virtually nothing.Some may say ,this is just a minor problem,it is constantly on my mind,and has ruined my life.Alienated me ,from those i believe i could have loved,thus now ,all i can see ,is loneliness, and a loveless life ,Iwill not anyone near to me ,because,i can never be as close as i believe i could be.I am not stupid,i realise this will not change,but i still cannot accept it.TONIGHT,it has hit me hard ,that i may die ,alone ,never having loved ,is it still worth living ,being permanently detached from others,when i am such an emotional person?When i crave real friendship,and affection,and it is not reciprocated?People can be very cruelto me ,none more so than myselfi do not believe that a life without close affection ,and love ,is worth living,I needed to write this post,because this issue affects all i do ,and how i see everyone around me.There is no conclusion,just acceptance,how do i expect others to accept me ,when i cannot accept myself?This really touches a raw nerve with meIhope there is someone out there who understands the devastating impact this has on me ,sometimes [as tonight]having me wish i would just go to sleep ,permanently,as the only way of real peace.Ido not blame others for their feelings,these are purely my personal issues.I HOPE,that you all are well,thank you if you have read through this,it may help you understand me more ,i hope so.