WASTED TIME

Having seen the Christmas come and go,I see no reason for optimism,no-one,it seems,can see my plight ,or they just dont care.Still staying in most of the time,not conducive to my mental health,the so-called irons in the fire,have been extinguished.Just seems to me ,to be no point to any of this,I only get judged,or blamed ,when I do try .Everyone,in my limited experience,is looking after No1, forget empathy ,or support,if I have support ,it needs to be real,when I need it ,not randomly,never happens.My other siblings have families ,friends ,social lives,reasons to live ,not exist,it confounds me,as to why I still struggle to maintain any relationships,no hope of a social life,stuck indoors regressing,knowing it.AS i have always known, I am one apart,not by choice,is it worth continuing in this way?Every avenue i turn down ,is closed,everywhere i look people are using others to gain ground,or manipulate,or to take their animosity out on,somethin that is foreign to me ,should i be more like them?The question is,am i capable of such behaviour,and at what cost.I cannot feel more rejected,the world does not get any colder than it feels NOW,little comfot in principles,keep on finding myself with people who use /abuse my good nature,and who have interest only in their own gain.There is a gaping black hole in my future,and ,in this darkness ,it is nigh on impossible to see anything rationally.So much wasted time,all this hurt,what to do with it,i cant repress it all,it has to be exorcised somehow,it is now after 2 o clock in the morning,still stressed,still anxious,dead end.No wonder no-one reads this ,its hardly sunshine and roses,the truth rarely is.Needed to get this out of my head,just to see it is real,too real,too much emotional baggage,nothing to take its place.[does anyone ever feel this wasted,empty,used?]PEACE.Dave.s

faith

I dont think another look back,will help,in my present situation,so i need to look at how i percieve things now/in the future.SO far,things that I had hoped for have not worked out,so how much longer do i continue to beat myself up?My decision to leave a network,is based on complete indifference, and my self -destructive nature [frustration].The more i made it obvious ,the less positive feedback i got,not conducive to my mental wellbeing,another potential resource lost,with good reason.Others have made it clear i am not welcome,with a domino effect on possibilities,all locked doors,not due to me,but i know people have had words,behind my back.It would seem there is no forgiveness in my life ,once i am judged ,without a balanced decision,thats me lost.Having been judged so often,tiresomely,i make it a point of mine to not judge others,all my decisons have been in good faith,and with others best interests at heart,says it all.It is hard to see things clearly ,reeling in the wake of recent events.There appear to be brick walls in my way,no matter what i do,i set out to help others ,its as simple as that,given the chance i am still going to do just that,despite no-one seeming to have any interest in either my efforts ,or health.Struggling to find a positive thing in all this ,not what i set out to do.Istill have my beautiful dog Sheba,my family,a home, despite all this ,i still respect myself,i know how hard all this is, yet i keep on trying,there is no choice,back to the drawing board ,where to go from here ,,is past my present state of mind,its back to small steps,this time too shall pass,trying to like myself,and not let others use my good nature against me.It seems a long way to go ,to end up in the same place 3yrs later .Just have to look at what good can come of this,treat it as a [harsh] lesson,and believe in myself even more than before ,steel myself ,and be strong,my recovery ,with or without friends,is my responsibility.PEACE.

HARD TIMES

Trying to think positively has been something that I have struggled with at all times.The last couple of years have seen me become more guarded and hurt by the deceit of some,the indifference of others.Soaking up all this pain,with the additional illness I fight ,is sometimes been a lot to ask.It would seem that others have little time ,or understanding for either,whether they believe it or not,I still fight with each minute,to regain some of my true spirit,the real me.I get very tired of being judged,but that is not my doing,it is others will,only I have the truth.All the resources I had are slipping away,but I remain optimistic that something will turn up.My hopes of company have been dashed,again ,others doing,I do not wish to be alone,things just never turn out right.It is true ,at least from my thoughts that I feel betrayed,it is still raw,the fact is ,no-one else is affected by this, it is an even deeper hurt ,because it isolates me more,and of no value.I do not believe anyone else feels the depth of distress that I go through.[do they?]If so why have I been deserted,and cut from contact from everyone?I know this will not last forever,how much longer can i fight this much distress.Its obvious from all this ,that my thoughts are still clouded by all the distress in my heart.I need to be understood ,and believed,surely we all need someone to be on our side?Here and now I hear silence ,and its not what I deserve ,I am better than that,this I do know to be true.I STILL BELIEVE IN ME.PEACE

I CAN HELP?

Well, not much left to say,only to hope I have learned something from all this intensity,self destructive thinking and stress.I am still the same person ,I understand I have not been well,but I remain resolute in my beliefs,and will always try to be considerate and compassionate toward others.There is still a big hole inside me,how to fill it ,is the problem,I will continue [or try to]to help others ,because it helps me,win-win.Where and how ,is difficult to envisage from my current predicament,but my heart is still deeply set on doing what I can ,anyone who will accept me/literally,I will help.Taking care of myself,is paramount,I can only do this with co-operation.Twenty years alone ,is enough for me,I deserve better now,thats just a fact.Heres wishing all a safe ,peaceful christmas,and look forward to more success for everyone,you deserve it,so do I.PEACE.

show me the way

There is no accounting for peoples behaviour,or judgement ,from my point of view,it is just bitter ,and one -sided.AS usual,it is a one sided affair,my side has been discredited, without so much as a word.I know the facts,which have been adhered to.The point of this ,is just to say ,that I know I have been honest with people,it is difficult to accept alienation in these circumstances,I can only control MY actions ,and withold my principles.These are the foundation of my behaviour ,and how I treat others ,I hope,with respect,honesty,and support who I can,in short ,be myself,in spite of recent events.The need to show that I am a valuable ,and open person,will always be a strong part of me ,it keeps me motivated.Justice is in short supply,it hurts me to see good people pushed aside for their transparency,its not a vice ,honesty should be celebrated.I have heard so much spin ,talked ,in the name of truth,empathy,and hope.Words can heal ,but actions ,and behaviour can reinforce this,as a tangible reality ,not a falsehood.The more open people are ,face to face ,the better we would understand each other,secrets only cover up the manipulative,aid the fake.This is a necessary process ,to get this clear in my mind exactly who is being truthful,is that too much to ask?Perhaps honesty is not lucrative enough,of little value,it does cost ,it IS worth it ,to me ,I have to live with my relationships[or lack of],most of all MYSELF.

its cold outside

This is a difficult,testing time ,but I still see some good coming out of it,although its a mystery,as to what.Seeing so many couples ,partners ,friends revelling in christmas ,just reminds me of my plight,more alone ,inside,still in trauma ,at the weekend,silent in my self,repressed.There are some forthcoming irons in the fire,nothing confirmed,and my feeling is ,to try ,but I cannot help feeling doubtful,just my negative state of mind.I really tried ,this year ,and I feel like I have been punished for it.It takes me so much time to trust,now its gone,where is there left?There are less people to contact ,now ,than ever,why?Perhaps I should join those who use and manipulate others ,they are rarely alone,honesty has cost me so much.How do I reconcile what has happened ,when it still haunts my nights,and confounds my senses?It feels to me as though there are no people who want to know me,in any close way,I cannot get back twenty years of emptiness ,being a spectator,judged ,still.Christmas at hand ,a trial ,I get myself motivated ,only to be passed by,another year older I see no change.My sense of humour bypass seems to have worked,perhaps if I could rid myself of all emotions ,it would help?I will still try to beat this thing,indifference,back stabbing,running out of people ,what now.Some are happy alone ,I need to express myself ,still wishing to help others,because I would not want anyone to go through this, this requires the help of others ,and someone having faith in me.Heres hoping all turns out in a positive way,it needs to be something to build on my waining confidence.PEACE.

REALITY BITES

Today ,I realised that over the course of the past two years,there has been little real progress,in fact ,I have regressed.I am still over sensitive,and the pain of losing confidence,and relationships,has set me back ,and it cuts deep.No-one seems to wants to know,I have pushed myself more than ever to help myself,I cannot do this alone.This blog ,has been a measure of my worth ,losing followers,even less comments,my anguish grows silently now ,no communication,the last thing I was aiming for.I do know that I am self destructive,maybe I have sabotaged my chances, without knowing it.My only reason for trying to reach out to others,has been to help myself, by helping others.My own self-worth ,does not exist,its been destroyed by duplicity,illness,and bad decision making.I have little to say,in the way of positive thinking,no-one reads this ,why bother?I have been judged from all sides,always losing out,so there is nowhere left for me to go.Those who dismiss my feelings ,and my heart,faith ,and authenticity,have gone,what price principles,perhaps no-one appreciates this,whats left?I see little point in having principles,yet being alienated,I hoped there were folk who would value these qualities,seems not.So many people,in recent times have called me clever,or in telligent ,does intelligence make you a pariah?Thers little structure in my postings,and this has mirrored my life,no point.No-one hears me anyway.PEACE.

TOO LATE?

How do I even start ,to describe my feelings,the constant physical pain is wearing me out.All the things I hoped for ,have been wrenched from my grasp,in one fell swoop.The so-called anti- depressants I am on ,are not making things any easier,and the few people I used to know have dissapeared.Left ,in my home,not wanting to go out,having no -one to discuss anything of meaning with.A bleak scene,and a dark picture ,this paints,I see no light ,just deep distress,the feeling of having my dreams ripped away from my hands.I try to compensate for others illnesses,and their reactions to my words/actions,its just that my mind is clouded by pain ,confusion,and utter despair,no-one seems to want to understand,the effect this has on me.Its such a long road,with very little to show for my efforts,it has drained me mentally and physically ,to my nadir,a brick wall.Whatever I try, it turns against me,I cannot see a way out[does anyone understand this]doors closing in my face,I see no positives here.I feel no pleasure doing anything,the world has lost its colour,just want to sleep all the time,classic symptoms of depression ,I know.This will be hard going for others to read,little hope I just needed to exorcise it ,put it here out of my head,just to see that its real.PEACE

silent running

Those who know me [0],will know that I am a inherently emotional man,too much so.The intensity of these emotions is leaving me in utter despair,self loathing,just because I crave company.PERHAPS i EXPECT TOO MUCH OF OTHERS,or that is ,too little,the end result seems to be ,more misery.How do I temper these painful feelings ,so that I can cope with these distressing outbursts?Difficulty here being,I am too close ,to detach myself, and be rational.Today ,is such an example,rejection ,is something which cuts me to the quick,having only a few contacts , I try to be careful when trying to befriend someone,not careful enough ,it would seem.Never be fooled by those who would have you believe they are totally open,or is it just me that gets taken in.The end result ,leaves me hurt ,cynical, and not a little bitter,not qualities I value in myself,but still present .Two years ago ,I was just starting to come out of my shell,opening up,expressing my experiences,perhaps thats where I belonged?No, I cannot be that person again,no matter how I FEEL NOW ,IT WILL PASS.Where I go ,who knows,its a daunting pros,lots of doors have closed ,there must new ones to explore,right now I am tired of deceit ,lies and cold people who claim to care ,back to isolation.