have a heart

The real problem I have ,here and ,now,is sleep,none.It exacerbates the irritation,pain,and depression in me ,and I do not seem to break the vicious circle.Over the last year ,I have gone from co-ordinator/volunteer worker for a charity I trusted,to, now ,being treated as a stupid nothing ,all the time I contributed to this cause ,it built my self-worth,value ,and gave me purpose.For the only time in my life,I felt that I belonged ,how wrong I was.Once again ,there are only empty promises .in the distant future. How cold this place can be ,the people pass by ,barely noticing I am there,not feeling the empty hole ,inside me .This piece,is just another fragment of the tortured empty soul.that once laughed,as a boy ,dreamed of being so many things,all fallen by the wayside,still more to come.I know,some of this is dark,yes,my thoughts are dark too.The light must soon be here,it is only a matter of time.I n the shadows ,there is a flicker of hope,always hope,it springs eternal?Where has everyones faith in me gone,do I not breathe ,live ,laugh ,cry,need and seek warmth,from this sterile world.No different than anyone else,I crave company ,affection,love,is this wrong?I believe not,I know it is human,sensitive,and decent ,to be me,it is also painful ,alone,silly,pointless,and so much more.If you see me ,give me a smile ,and you will get one,know me a call,it would warm this no-ones heart.

UNLIMITED

Being misunderstood,or just plain ignored,is nothing new to me.I can cope with so much of this treatment,the thing which hurts me,is people having no faith in me.It seems I am not the person [in their eyes]that I know I AM INSIDE.This has been the cause of much consternation on my part,frustration ,leading to depression,isolation[i feel useless],and low expectations.Being this way,has repressed my creativity, for fear of reprisal,leading to stagnation,and deeper introspection,which,trust me,in my case ,is a bad thing.Now I am beginning to see ,that it is up to me to break free of these small minded limits ,placed on me by others,and be who I know I can be.People will always look down on me .but I realise that ,this is their mistake ,NO-ONE,will prevent me from living my life ,doing what I am here for ,there is something strong and powerful ,inside me which has lain dormant ,it is time to free myself,and open new horizons.The bigots who mock me will lose out ,because I am sure that I am a bigger person than they would have me believe.My passions will come to the fore,music,motorcycles[dissaprovalfrom all],and writing,I will get better [honest]To be the real me, will be a celebration,right now ,i do not see the light ,so I will have to bludgeon my way through this darkness ,however difficult it may be.I am no longer the apologetic ,shadow in tthe corner,IT IS TIME.BRING IT ON.

another brick in the wall

The only thing I have ever tried to achieve,during recent times,is understand ,and empathise .Quite patently ,it has not happened,i have only imbued apathy,and discontent.So ,I,have been transported back three years,despite meeting hundreds of people,and doing my best in ,sometimes difficult situations,it has ,simply put,failed .People tell you to be yourself ,honest,right will out,in theory,yes ,practice,things are worse now ,I cannot be anyone else ,so I am at a loss where to go next .Brick walls growing taller ,and closer,trapped ,why,perhaps this is my destiny,I cannot trust, because I am not trusted.My confidence has been severely dented,my patience has dissapeared,and others are being left ,because of my frustration.I had such high hopes,they are nowhere,there is a long protracted silence,painful,ever worse as the days pass .Blame is easy ,here,who will see my side ,understand my illness ,it is not me.Truly at this point ,if it were up to myself ,I would not be here to criticise.For some reason ,I still exist ,so I must do my best to dig ,until the light appears,I have no choice but to progress ,because of the apathy , and blame culture ,surrounding me.The only thing I regret ,is that I trusted unscrupulous people,which has set me back,wrongly,done now.I will never look for sympathy,or favour,you can take me ,or leave me ,because I KNOW,a good heart beats inside of me ,I believe in me ,and ,whether or not people care about me i dont control.I have to get through this,alone or not ,it is destiny,the truth hides ,all I see NOW,black[i keep on digging.

relentless

There is no way out ,no doubt,whats this despair,when you do not care ,anymore.The boring part ,is my heart is broken ,never awoken ,by the intimacy of love ,in the cold light of day ,why wont the darkness go away?I now know I can leave the despair ,the agony ,thats inside of me ,only if I pay the ultimate price.I must admit ,it ,seems about time I RELENTED,I have done my best to be good to others ,honest ,cared,spared others my vitriol,treasured my spirit ,soul,tried to understand,just a black hole .This pain is unfair ,too much to bear ,I do care,so why hurt me ,always,hurt me ,solitary confinement iss a bit draconian,for being a person seeking affection ,a man,not a beating post.They shoot horses dont they,why am I still here,where all heart says let me go,no.End it ,who would know ,care ?This is a cry for help ,falling on deaf ears ,as always as the tears fall ,inside ,cold,unheard.

so what happens now?

This ,is one of my darker moments[familiar story?]having been put on medication,I now feel worse,a short term fix ,was how it was put,no such thing.It would seem ,no matter which approach I take,it has been misread ,or gone wrong,a no-win situation.Increasingly,I am becoming more frustrated,angry,and despairing,and I cannot seem to get through to anyone,how sick I am,I have run out of options ,when these moods draw a veil over my rationale.It is an empty,hopeless pain,compounded by my inability to communicate it.My prison is closing in on me ,and I feel the cold slamming of the door behind me.The progress I had made,has been reversed,I said that I could never revert to my former self,but I cannot seem to halt the process.People have said ,that it will change soon,not in my experience,the slightest word will destroy me inside,its all too close to me to see.I have seen others make good pogress,Iam the forgotten one,still here,still stagnant ,knowing that I am better than this.Not much use,if only I believe it,and even that is coming into question.I am beginning to think that this journey has been me,watching everyone else move on.Why else would I be up at 3am.I have to make it clear ,that these are my personal issues,I just wish I could be more positive,but i must remain true to myself.

its[not] the end of the world aas we know it

It doesnt get any easier,I feel a sense of loss,almost as if I cannot sustain a relationship,without it going wrong.NO,thats it ,not almost ,truly,am I such a bad person that I deserve no relent from this constant feeling of emptiness?Am i trying too hard,and I do keep trying,it just seems self defeating ,when the same end result occurs.I am nothing ,if not dogged in my efforts to get out there,and make a difference,if only I could get the chance.Indifference ,it seems ,is the enemy,lack of passion ,or compassion,or just bloody world weariness[cynicism].When does this hollow pain inside me ,become something people realise,is a need to create ,grow,help others,for no other reason ,than ,I want no-one else to go through this [NOTHING]I am.Current events ,seem to reinforce my thoughts on my dealings with others.I have ,and always will mean to harm no-one ,I HAVE BEEN THERE,as many others have.I strive to move on ,in my meagre way,its hard going,does it ever get any easier?Now my sleep patterns are more disturbed than ever,whats left?I am in a constant state of teetering off the edge of a cliff,I keep looking at the waves below,unsure whether or not ,to finish this charade.AM I kidding myself?Will I always be struggling for the unnatainable,in my empty shell?NO,its not the end of the world for us all ,I just feel my whole life is a sham,who is real ?

legion

I,am the product of much misunderstood thinking,that of others,and myself.There is no ONE cause for this feeling of desolation, many factors create it.Others abuse ,and neglect of my worth, caused me to come to the conclusion, perhaps they were right.Of course ,this is nonsense,those bigots, are merely ignorant ,and afraid of what they do not [or care not to]understand,,I challenge their preconceived notions, this unsettles them,so they lash out.The reality,is that widespread ignorance[the media]and the mob mentality, creates a false picture of those of us courageous to be ourselves[at a cost],especially when we are victimised for it.Being punished , for being open ,and for being different ,is something I do not understand.We should celebrate our differences, we are all part of one race ,the human race.In my [involuntary]isolation,I have realised that my opinions are as valid a s anyones[more so than some,at least I have some]The so called "normal" people in this world ought to think before they pass judgement on those of us with genuine difficulties.The good news ,is that we are not alone,more and more people with similar issues,are becoming wise ,self -educated,and learning to deal with this ignorance.Isolation ,is a concept ,not a reality, there will always be like-minded souls ,willing to share their knowledge,experiences ,and empathy.If ,like me ,yyou are having trouble finding such folk ,do not despair,you can, and will.PEACE

TRUE COLORS

No-one writes me off,as if I have disappeared,there is a lot of deception and judgement in this world.I have survived more than my share of injustice, and hypocrisy.Lots of people seem to think that they are superior ,and can use me as part of their "game",of which jealousy is a big part.I KNOW ,that I am capable of More than I have been given credit for[more than they will ever know]TRUE COLORS]Things will change,because I will make them,others may ,or may not like it ,it will STILL happen.Too much pain,despair,hopelessness,black emptiness,I deserve, and will get better,my limits are stretched beyond reason,all I perceive around me ,is indifference, am I even here.I will speak as I find,it is all I know how to do, the RIGHT thing.I refuse to let people hurt me anymore,I was too easy a target for the manipulators.Of course my illness has not helped at this timeI despair of those who use this against me,it sickens me .I am still the same ,compassionate ,creative ,warm and caring man I WILL ALWAYS BE .But I will not be someones lapdog,or a shadow of someone elses success,or their whipping boy,I AM TOO GOOD FOR THAT.PEACE.Dave.s