OPEN FLOWERS

Twilight dawns ,awake the dream ends.New starts are a choice.Positive and clear.Our minds will open,forgotten tears.A new day dawns ,afresh I begin to live again ,the healing thoughts strengthen we all fall back now ,then.New people ,new fears subside,this time ,no passenger,I am the rider.The petals open ,at last the truth, flowers flourish ,not weeds, I,am the proof!

small steps

Glad to be here,but i will try not to rush ,be myself,"small steps".Stay positive , i keep repeating[it might work]be consistent and stay open to situations.Thats a difficult thing,not wanting to push forward and progress,takes the edge off positivity.I AM FOREVER looking at past situations ,which ended in me hurt, because of my trust.See things in their true light ,not just from my angle.look at all sides.Do i chance trusting ,and risk getting indifference?too much ,pathways getting crossed in my mind,lack of focus.I cant say,nobody has all the answers ,that would be too easy.This weekend has been something of an epiphany,time will show whether good ,or bad.I am surprised by my support ,and resources,yet still cannot enjoy them,does history always repeat itself?There is no answer ,only questions from me ,am i deserving of friendship,happiness,contentment?I ,it can be i know others struggle with these issues,you are not alone,many people get hurt ,it can be turned around,persistence,and faith ,but some kind of self belief does,sometimes help.As you can tell, I am still holding my breath,waiting for the fall,but i will keep believing my future will open up,and the real me ,will emerge,the me I have always known exists,that open ,loving,serene,passionate,me nobody knows.

strange old world

Its a strange old world,I cannot figure it out,one minute it seems to be going smoothly,another ,it all disappears.Or is it just the way i perceive it?Lately ,my moods have been somewhat fraught,not even ,peaks and troughs.Patience,or lack of it ,is not helping my cause.Where do i find a balance,a comfortable compromise,it feels like i am stuck in concrete,stagnant,things move so slowly.There is so much indifference"better the devil you know",well ,NO,ineed to explore my abilities,why i am here.I just need a constant ,some kind of base,foundation ,to start from.Hello, that means trust[yes,again]the basis of my insecurities,and other mental health problems .I do keep trying ,it is so hard to trust others,when you keep taking the fall[it does hurt]suppose it is a case of "once bitten",times too many.If anyone understands this ,would you tell me?I now realise ,i do need more patience[oh noo],and i have to meet people half way,not expect them ,to take on everything,it takes two to have a friendship,cannot sail a ship alone !To have a friend , you must be a friend,that really touched me ,it changed the way I related to others.Back to our old friend empathy,true understanding ,gotta begin with being my own friend,you never know ,it may just work out after all...to be continued.

New York Minute

Music ,has always been an important part in my formative years,and has carried me through the best ,and the worst of times.Having just listened to Don Henleys "New York Minute",it has reminded me of what is important to me .My friends ,over the last couple of years ,have shown me how patient ,compassionate,and valuable they are to me.I now have support,and wisdom,from people i respect, and,i vow never to undervalue this precious resource.Too often ,i lose sight of what really matters.IN THAT,i can get desperate, and feel despair,losing sight of the good things in my life.I am all too aware,that ,in that panic ,tragic things can happen,but i know now , that moment WILL pass,be strong[people who know me ,will laugh at this]and you get through it .I my case ,just the inspiration of a poignant song.Surely it is worth trying?Though it may not seem like it to others,i do greatly treasure the resources in my life.I just lose sight of the real world[my world]sometimes,i struggle to be positive.I will be myself, and those who value this ,i will be loyal ,and compassionate with.I need to believe more in others,there are too many who would abuse my trust,so they are ever more in my heart.To those people,and to the fabulous Mr.DON HENLEY.For helping me realise I do have beautiful music,which moves my spirit,and friends ,who are very dear to much,even if i dont always act so.

BALANCE

My resources are few ,but they are welcome,and I do recognise them as such,and I feel lucky to have them.It is my inner resources that fluctuate ,my perceptions of what resources are working for me/others.We need to be aware of others situations,realise that they affect the way we are viewed ,in any particular situation.In turn ,they change us,and our reactions"the ripple effect".My issues[i cannot speak for others]problems are taking these to heart[personally]how do you detach yourself, and see the reality?Any relationships can be fraught,but ,add in mental health problems,things get messy.Finding a balance is essential,or you will find yourself in my situation,taking everything as a personal affront/constantly feeling hurt ,worthless,osing confidence,when it could just be a misunderstanding.I am making a real effort to see other peoples angles ,why they would behave the way they do,remain impassive ,until the facts are known.Give folk the benefit of the doubt,instead of letting negative speculation take over, and snowball.Put myself in their place ,how would I feel ,if Iwas judged in this way without the other person knowing why.Often ,it turns out being something and nothing[an innocent mistake]Which could potentially harm two peoples connection,for what?Stop and think,instead of just reacting,and be patient,no doubt many folk do this,Ineed to be reminded,I am not the only one to be considered,others are equally worthy,especially friends.I do hope that this phase passes soon, the fog lifts ,and I can be at one with myself once more,then ,we all win.PEACE.

short ,but not sweet

It seems the harder I try ,the less people want to know ,are they intimidated,or just the wrong people ?My mental health matters to me,part of that is having contact with like minded ,non-judgemental people.Constant rejection ,is wearing me down,it will pass ,but it is crushing my trust.No-one seems to genuinely care,they all have their own agenda[and i am not on the list.]Iam shown no trust,by peopleIgive my all too,this is just wrong .Everyone has their own issues /problems, this i understand,why punish me ,with indifference?The quetion is,do they even realise how I feel ,or how their aloof manner affects me?I cannot stop it hurting me,i wish i could build a wall up,and feel nothing,who would notice?I have to be myself ,seems no-one else appreciates the real me [probably my appearance,for sure].So i have to make the best of things, and hope someone knows real compassion, and love ,when they experience it.Icannot chaange other peoples values ,,or opinions about me ,just be myself,it will have to be good enough.I will not pretend to be something i am not,and it has cost me, so be it .

funny how?

Funny how,misfortune ,can bring out the best in us.Humour is a great healer,as i found out recently,some people inspire you ,just by being themselves.Their resilience ,humility and generosity,can turn your day around.I am blessed in that ,I know some of these wonderful people,they enhance all around them,to use a staffs saying "conner fault em".Friends in my life are a rare happening,so I value them dearly, the few I do have bring joy to every moment i spend with them.From wanting to shut myself away from everyone, I now find ,that I need the interaction of others ,its healthy[not easy]for me.Yet this interaction also stresses me , i still feel judged[past experiences].Ikeep looking for insults,deceptions ,almost as if i expect them.The important thing for me ,is to find people who value ,understand, and appreciate me for myself.I truly believe there are folk in my life NOWwho matter to me ,and to whom I matter,for the first time[hold my breath]some real friends!I find myself laughing out loud,sharing confidences,a freedom that is priceless to me.Iknow thatI take myself too seriously[abuse does that to you]but others have shown me ,that laughter really is a powerful healer ,on the road to recovery.I count my blessings ,and will never take these special people for granted.I CELEBRATE YOUR SUPPORT,FUN ,AND COMPASSION.

Steely who?

"you tube",has a lot to answer for[praise the lord for it],listening to some Steely Dan,made me think of the first time I heard it,the thrill of discovering something new.Where did that go to?Inow realise ,what i once thought happened magically,takes more effort, but it has not left me,I still have that wonder in me.Thats precious to me ,the stuff of life,helps to colour the more mundain moments [the grey days].Which brings me to where i am[grey]ill,imprisoned by circumstance,getting smaller inside .Theses forays into YOU TUBE,are a godsend,rekindling many old interests,ideas,memories,but also new ones .Thee time will come,when i will venture out again,[soon]another challenge,one i relish.I guess the real journeys are inner ones,my own perceptions of people,the relationships i have inside and outside myself,others just keep these in a constant state of fluctuation,this is where control [or lack of it ]is important.The crux of most of my problems,am I trying too hard ,is keeping my emotions on a level[peaks and troughs]I will say ,a good dyno power curve,is linear[bikes again],Iwish i could tailor my moods to such an even shape,although,would that diminish the highs.Reckon the point of all this ,is ,life is what you make it!Heres to some Summer weather ASAP.

Zen , and the art of knowing myself.[BIKES]

Having just been in the shed,cleaning my motorcycle[gsxr1000]it got me thinking about more positive times[past,and to come].Isuppose its the freedom,the choices ,and the sense of control that has held me to it ,despite some tough times.In the early days,it was the groups of us discovering our identities/having fun.Nowadays more about independence, than anything else.IT COULD BE LIKENED to the changes throughout my life,being more of a solitary person now,sometimes ,by choice.There is a kind of ,focus,directness ,when riding ,which transcends other thought,almost automatic,but deep concentration.It directs all senses to their task,when i am in this state,all worry goes,pain diminishes,i am in the now.If i could bring that level of almost serenity,in everyday life,how much more tranquil would i become?Iknow that ,when i am cleaning my Bike ,i also achieve a peaceful state. It is the mere act ,of focussing on one particular task[gardening,reading,carpentry,physical work.Iknow ,that my mind wanders ,otherwise,pondering the negative [Why the negative,mainly past events,not living in the now]Despite what has happened ,in the past[good and bad]the only thing it should teach me , is to change my mistakes in the present .[does that make sense]