The Bruce Lee Effect

This last week or so , have been difficult in many ways,after some weeks , I am starting to get back into the mix.Starting to mix with others,learning new skills,regaining my confidence, and trying hard to keep my self well.There have been a couple of setbacks ,mainly a tooth abscess, causing an infection,which ,of course is keeping me from doing what helps me most ,interacting with others.[thank god for YOU TUBE]Which has seen me revisiting old haunts/hobbies, via youtube, mainly martial arts movies,and various teachers ,[sifu, or sensei]The dedication ,and unflinching commitment,is of great inspiration.It made me wonder ,how these people find their energy,when their is little reward .I believe they are driven ,by the belief this is their purpose in life,finding their true inner selves by selfless dedication, inner ,not outer,peace. The lesson I get from this ,is that perhaps I SHOULD LOOK MORE inside myself for the real answers to my problems,not to others ,or material possessions,or even at past events[which do affect us all to an extent].To look inside myself ,for the strength to do what I believe is right at this point.Individuality ,is an important part of my life ,i believe you should follow your own path,however difficult it may be.At this time ,things are not ideal,but Iknow that this is only temporary.You can only be yourself , so you should try to be happy within ,and eventually,things will turn around.So ,Bruce Lee,thank you for your example ,in only 32yrs you achieved more than many ,ever do,never forgotten , always respected.to put this into perspective ,everyone can be the person they choose to be,the journey is long , but the rewards are rich ,Peace,be yourself.

trust 2: do i have a choice?

WELL,here we go again Ihear you say,this has always been an ongoing issue for me. But it is within my power, to choose which path I take,trust no-one and revert to my old self[isolated,resentful,unfullfilled potential] or take that risk, and open doors for myself,realising what is possible.For years , Itook the former,staying in ,believeing I was not worth knowing,over the last few years Ihave made the effort to turn that around,embracing,new situations,new people,realising that I am as capable as most others,often surprising myself , with my "confidence"seeing ,for the first time,who I really was[am],and Ifelt of some value to others.During this time ,there were dips in mood , but I coped, and moved on Initially, all was fine,until the same people who had aided me in my journey,began to turn on me ,and insidiously broke down my trust.Right now , I am in the process of getting back to the positive self ,I am confident I can get back.It is arduos ,and Ikeep having setbacks, my honest feeling ,is that Ihave to do this , Ican ,and will NOT allow myself to be defeated by this "organisation",or their hypocrisy, and false premise.ALL this work done on building my esteem, is not going to be reversed,so ,take heart,do not let anyone prevent you ,from fullfilling your true promise,you CAN do it,and as long as my heart beats,mt spirit remains undaunted,and Iknow there can be positive change,here comes the cliche, if i can do this , anyone can.Istill struggle with trusting people daily,and sometimes,I falterbut Iwill not let negativity win,it is a long road, but one I must take.

Just a few words

Well done,glad youre my friend,you should be proud of yourself.Simple words ,not difficult to say,so why arent they spoken more?For me,in my lowest moments ,it is the littlest things that lift my mood ,help me turn myself around,no pyschobabble,no complex theories,just acouple of sincerely spoken words,well meant,by people, i know mean them.When your mind ,is in that negative downward dive,it needs a change of perspective ,an acknowledgement of your situation.Being appreciated is so important to those of us who lack self-worth/confidence.Having support of any kind can help build networks/friends, and increase overall quality of life, wellbeing,Just a few thoughtful words ,can mean more than others could believe,In my experience ,they are the ones i recall,at tough times,they are a reminder, that you are a worthwhile person,who matters,and is as valuable as we all are.Ineed to take time out here ,to thank those wonderful,selfless ,loving people,who continue to help me out,when all others desert me,whatever my situation, i feel their compassion.I can only extend my hand of friendship, and let them know ,Iam /will always be there for them,just as they are/have been there for me,you are priceless to me ,i only hope you believe in me ,the way i do in you.My heartfelt thanks to you,PEACE BE IN YOUR HEARTS.

How far can isolation go/

Let me just get this clear,if blogs are all about inspiration,happy endings,and being positive,constructive, and empathetic ,wrong .This is no popularity contest.Obvious from my comment numbers.When i chose to isolate myself,i always left myself ,a safety net[If i become open, be myself ,people [somewhere]would understand ,see behind the ugliness i am tortured for every day.and accept me as a valuable human being.HA!This is a complete fantasy,all that has happened ,is more people ,have used these qualities to persecute /desert me,the conclusion i have drawn,is that i am incompatible ,in all relationships,whats left?Where are all these wonderful ,loving ,caring people?When i need help the most there is silence,am i so abhorrent,no-one will spend time with me.Every day gets worse.In all 30yrs +of my problems, people have walked the other way.If this is negative ,it is also TRUE.EVERYONE has their breaking point ,but these are words ,so why bother ,its nobodys fault.I now trust NO-ONE,WITH DAMN GOOD REASON.People dont seem to mind treading all over my feelings/hopes dreams,so i have just been brutally honset.If people are offended,multiply that by 35yrs ,now you know how i feel.Heres another post that will be frowned upon.GOOD

My story

Imake no apologies for writing this blog,its something Ineed to do for my own good. About last September/OCTOBER,Ihad a good friend ,one i trusted,cared about ,and respected,all seemed to be well, but i did know this friend was being put under undue pressure,by the "mental health" charity, we were both helping.I did what i could to support, and nothing changed.Soon after ,things took a turn for the worst.They had indicated to me ,they could not cope,and did not to live.I did my best ,to make sure they were O.K,and promised to ring them later[which i did]NOanswer eventually i informed the relevant people,and was reassured all would be fine.Subsequently.i found out, there had been a suicide attempt.this person recovered later ,and i vowed to make sure that they were supported by myself in every way i could think of.Things seemed to settle ,and carried on as before,until i got a phone call ,saying not to contact my [ex]friend,for unknown reasons,all contact was stopped.this was devastating to me ,as i had lost who i regarded as a real friend,for what?Icontinued to try to find out why,but got nothing but animosity , or nothing at all.This culminated ,in me being told to keep away from said person, in all forms AT ALL.Imagine my despair ,at being ,at being told ,one of my only friends,wanted rid of me ,and not knowing why.Iwasalso told i could not work there anymore too,and blamed , for what?I had now lost a Friend ,my work [which i am passionate aout]and all trust i had built for anyone,not to mention ,my sense of belonging, and being valued and a part of something.So what am i now, where is my purpose, i have been set back decades,just for caring ,and wanting to be a friend.To anyone who knows me ,my friends are eveerything to me ,to lose one ,like this,still hurts ,i am now feeling quite ill ,with worry ,and because i do not believe i deserve to have trusted friends.The emotional pain of being set back,feeling unwelcome ,and ridiculed,is too much to bear.Ikeep trying ,but no-one wants to know,they all judge me .Sonow i am alone within myself, not knowing who i should be,or if i have the strength to start over,just to get knocked back.Ican only be myself, obviously that is not enough.If this sounds negative , it IS,it is the real meNOW.

Keep the faith

Ifind myself ,getting more and more impatient these days,getting wound up,and for what?Someone makes an abusive comment,a dirty look,or ignores my feelings /needs.All my choices ,i can let it go ,or allow it to get under my skin.The obvious answer ,is to ignore it , and remain positive[easy to say,not from here it isnt]Of course, all our reactions ,attitudes, and moods can be choices,if the principles allow.Sowhy am i falling into this trap?Learned behaviour,bad habits,the wrong coping mechanisms ,i should know better now,am i being too hard on myself?Given the right frame of mind,this process can be halted,for me ,this is SELF BELIEF/CONFIDENCE.The starting point of which ,is choosing the people who are nurturing, understanding , and empathetic.Breaking down the walls of isolation,self loathing,and learning to love myself ,and know that i am a valuable ,good natured ,enthusiastic,and deeply compassionte man ,worth knowing .Now i need to seek out people who feel the same way about myself ,that i am beginning to, thats the difficult part,but i do keep putting myself out there ,doing the best i can ,it can be done.Just the act of writing this ,has lifted me, i can be transparent,i have nothing to hide ,i am hoping my total lack of trust ,will lessen[a contradiction, i know ]Isincerely hope this makes sense to someone,it needed to be said,just to clear my mind.there is always Hope,keep thee faith,you are worth it.

friends?

How do you feel,when you spend time with your "friends"?At ease, can you be yourself,do you feel judged?Ihave very few friends,but the way they make me feel ,is worth a million.I am myself ,and proud to be so,their empathy ,patience,and compassion, is beautiful,what ever i say ,will be treated seriously, and they give ,but never take.they are my strength,and now,i am starting to realise how much they mean to me.Yes i can be cynical,angry ,and afraid.But spending time ,talking ,or just in their company,just washes this away .They are not rich, famous, or powerful.Yet they are all these things to me.Rich with love , and understanding,famous[to me ]for their generosity ,and their power, is their ability to help others ,selflessly[and make me laugh.]and to be naturally open, and non-judgemental.these qualities ,are the attributes i hope to show them in return,we are each others mentors, fighting toward the same ends ,belonging,giving,helping,and learning from each other.In my negative state of mind, i can still be thankful, and praise these special people,for their time,wisdom, humour ,and inspiration[Dedicated to those who still believe in me ,i still believe in you too.Thanks Mattie.