Trust?

One of the biggest hurdles I have had to traverse"in recovery",is trusting people.So many times ,in the past,others have betrayed me ,in the cruelest ways .Abusing my friendship, my openess, my values/beliefs.When this happens consistently,it begins to turn one cynical.To a large degree ,i still am.Iam very sensitive about my lack of relationships,some find this amusing,were roles reversed they would see things very differently.I am aware of my appearance,to be ridiculed ,constantly,is ,i find a cop out ,for the lazy minded bigot.Iknow there are others who suffer the same treatment,you are not alone.All these factors contributed to my self -imposed isolation,Iknow ,in my heart ,that i am a considerate,warm-hearted ,decent person.These cheap jibes,are for the weak, to falsely boost their self-esteem,they are the ones who have the REAL problems.This has led to me being "seperated"[or thats the way it makes me feel]from others , It puts barriers ,between myself and others,preventing me from forming any close relationships[the very thing Idesperately need]As I WRITE ,THIS ,Ican feel myself shaking with anxiety/distress,Iam trying to be transparent,at what cost/ridicule,apathy?This is my personal view ,but to me ,my reality.That It can change Is a fact ,Ifi it will,remains to be seen.The journey continues,amI the Alien,or are they?

the struggle[happy days]

Iseem to be posting an awful lot of dark,negative posts ,recently,just a reflection of my state of mind,or my personal truth?the two are interconnecting ,one affects the other[not by choice]But the choice is still there,it is mine to make.Just because it gets difficult,doesnt mean i cave in,and let the negativity control me.I STILL HAVE MY MUSIC.Priceless to me ,lifting my spirits,making me laugh ,cry ,smile inside.i truly believe ,a world without music,is a dead one.its always in my heart,my mind,coursing through my veins.SO POWERFUL,subtle,poignant,private ,and my one saving grace throughout my life.It will always be in my heart.Its still astruggle, when i lose sight of what really matters,people,interests,most of all ,passions.just writing this ,has lifted me,i feel blessed ,to have such a resource,and it will always be here.think of what you have ,in your life ,that you are passionate about ,and cherish it,nurture it,hold it close to your heart,it is part of you that is priceless.to all the people who have helped me get this far,i salute ,and respect you deeply,you are my lifeblood,my love is with you ,i will always be here for you,i believe my transparency is my strength.[See,its not all doom and gloom,eh?]i hope this goes some way to redressing the balance,

untitled

take me as you find me,is all i ask.i am despairing at the insensitivity which is rife, concerning me.Do i have ,abuse me written on my head?i am still that ghost ,no-one gets close to,it is soul destroying.i am reaching out ,to indifference,can anyone tell me why i should bother?Pain can teach us lessons,what not to do ,where not to go ,or to stay away from all ,and avoid constant picking away at my worth,until it diminishes totally.i feel totally seperated from eveyone/everything.the world is a hostile place ,to me,full of hate ,ignorance,abuse,and apathy.does this sound negative?Welcome to my world.friends ,partners,lovers ,no,not for me ,they are for other people.i just get the pain,if i sound bitter ,i dont care,i am through being victimised by those i try to help.the real me ,is still in here[that creative ,curious,energetic,person,who still has so many hopes, and dreams]slowly wilting under the shadow of the blackspectre of cynicism,doubt,misery, and abuse.did you know ,my favourite colour is black/i dont see much light left, in my world.just a bit cranky ,then?i am tired,disillusioned,rejected, and empty.find something positive in this ,i dare you?nobody ever reads these anyway.............

understanding

as i walk along a street[could be any street],i hear someone utter "freak",did i mishear,or was it true?this happens too often to me .i attribute this ,to ignorance/stupidity.dont these "people" give a thought as to the consequences of their comment ?do any of them REALLY know me?of course they do not, its all about perceptions,the media ,has a lot to answer for.anyone on t.v, with mental health problems,is seen as a joke,or a maniac[black and white]like any condition there are levels of any illness,we are no different.some of us choose to plough a lone furrow[not follow the mindless masses]does this make them freaks?its a question of understanding,knowledge,education.people fear what they do not understand,reactions can be polarised from agression ,to abject terror,and then there are those who just follow their particular peer group [safety in numbers]people with such problems are often isolated, making them ,easy targets.these abusive people, do not realise,that they are just as susceptible to similar problems as anyone.[the shoes on the other foot ,then!]i know ,that genuine people,with intelligence, and compassion,do not behave like this,it is simply not done.i feel fortunate ,in that i have experiences which have enabled me to disregard such remarks.they used to cut me to the quick,now ,i realise these folk, do not understand me and have not lived with constant torment, so cant possibly know how it feels to be put in my position.it helps me look at things in a calmer,less personal way.i also realise,that there are certain people ,i need to avoid. all this ,,helped me to becom more sensitive to others needs,and taught me to think,before i speak,and to try not to make assumptions about others ,based solely on appearance.[dont judge a book by its cover]so something positive has come from others ignorance.i am now ,more aware of how many people have mental health issues,and to try to take this into account when they behave differently ,or surprisingly.in summary ,when you see someone ,who looks ,or is behaving oddly,dont judge them,imagine yourself in their position

shadows

ever wondered why people pass you by,as a ghost?me tooi have watched others grow ,establish there own identity,friends,lifestyle,etc,while life passes me by.nobody seems to take me seriously,i feel under utilised ,i know i am capable of greater things,no one else seem to believe this.throughout my formative years, i withered in the shadow of my then, friend ,who excelled at everything i just stood in the wings,thinking "i know i could do that" never did.my entire life ,it seems i have been overlooked, by "better" people, me in their shadow.so how do i develop my own self -belief,and from where,seriously,i dont know?there has always been a part of me that knew i had ability,a voice,something to contribute to others.this happened last year ,i was allowed to challenge my social phobia,and began to trust some .of course ,when it was all wiped out ,my trust abused,my contributions deemed useless[i know not why]i was left bereft of all direction,i am still struggling to come to terms with this dilemma.yet ,this inner voice remains,i am a worthwhile person,i can help others with similar issues,i just feel it .........and i will not give up ,until i am recognised as a person in my own right.i do value myself,i feel it ,i sense it ,i believe it ,let no one deny me my rightful place ,i knw i can do it.the shadows cast, are lowering,is that the sun ican feel on my brow?