self-belief/how far does it go?

A few months ago,I decided to try to start a group ,at weekends,for those,like myself,needing support.I was offered help,which never materialised,it seems no-one believed in me.The situation has not changed,I still struggle, needlessly ,at weekends,its lack of empathy ,and indifference.There is so much indifference in myy life,right now ,I am determined to stay positive,despite this.My heart was set on helping myself ,and anyone else I could,the best of intentions ,it would seems ,is not enough.I sensed a certain amount of ridicule ,that I should attempt such a thing, a lack of commitment, and co-operation ,has put an end to this dream,cut in the embryonic stages ,without a chance.This has hurt me more than others would know,most would seem intent on giving comment from afar ,but nothing else.Given the right support ,I know I could have made this happen ,and was serious about doing so.It is dissapointing ,to say the least, having done my best to help/encourage others,to have drawn a blank I am still involved in helping others,and will continue to be,it feels like the knowledge I have gained over the years ,is being wasted,and that is soul destroying.This posting is necessary ,to show my true feelings in this matter,it would appear I am still alone,all things told ,when it comes to hand on support/empathy.This will not change my focus on wanting to help others,even if ,as it seems ,no-one else is willing to step in with me.PEACE.Dave.s

the simple things

After watching a certain Robin Williams film ,today,I was compelled to write down a few thoughts.There was a speech in it ,which spoke of compassion,and of the benefit to both parties ,when one gives of your own time.Also of treating ill people,as people first,not just an illness.Lending a moment of your time ,can often be of great help ,even if it is only to listen to someone.Having been a volunteer for mental health charities,I know this to be true,it helped me gain self-worth,and feel of some good,a real sense of purpose,and helped me to understand ,and see others side of things,in short ,perspective.If only ,certain help PROFFESIONALS,would lend a little more compassion,see it from the others side,empathise.There is ,still, too much of an ,us and them ,protocol in all medicine,this is not a helpful attitude,building barriers only,hinders the healing process.We truly are ,the experts of our own condition,the fact is,we know more about ourselves than anyone else,why is this not recognised?Being seen as an inferior person by proffesionals,even given the best intentions ,does nothing for someone lacking trust,confidence,and companionship.Compassion is an over used word ,but an under used resource ,we all have it in our hearts ,to be compassionate,I hope the good folk who read this are at least reminded of this special quality ,we all posess.

IN DREAMS

There are special moments,in all our lives ,we need to be reminded of,tonight ,I HAVE HAD ,SUCH A MOMENT,just a few words ,in a dream,had me realise how lucky I am.Funny how a piece of music ,a few notes strummed,words or melody ,can take you to a place in your heart, you forgot existed.A person in my dream ,reminded me how lucky I was to have that,as a part of me,that special moment we can all have ,when we hear a song, and it takes us back.The kind of thing that brings a smile ,or a tear to your eye, how wonderful is that?I had almost lost myself in my misery,without appreciating the simple things we all share,poignant moments ,or just quiet reflection,taking stock of what is important,really ,important to us ,sometimes gets lost in mundain daily drudgery.Those brief moments of respite ,from all the pain in the world ,are what make my life worth living,I just need to be reminded of that,a short dream ,has helped me realise how lucky I AM ,TO HAVE MUSIC IN MY HEART, AND MIND,in all my testing times.If there is a god [in whatever form you wish]then music, and the spirit it brings to us all,is the gift he[or she]has bestowed upon us,it unites all of us, as one,what else does that?This is a special time [right now]4;a.m.,I know that there will always be that part of me I value so much,it is like hearing a song ,for the first time,you know that you will never forget that moment of wonder,you know what,[here it comes]thank you for the music,aint so cheesy ,after all,hold that thought.PEACE.

WASTED TIME

Having seen the Christmas come and go,I see no reason for optimism,no-one,it seems,can see my plight ,or they just dont care.Still staying in most of the time,not conducive to my mental health,the so-called irons in the fire,have been extinguished.Just seems to me ,to be no point to any of this,I only get judged,or blamed ,when I do try .Everyone,in my limited experience,is looking after No1, forget empathy ,or support,if I have support ,it needs to be real,when I need it ,not randomly,never happens.My other siblings have families ,friends ,social lives,reasons to live ,not exist,it confounds me,as to why I still struggle to maintain any relationships,no hope of a social life,stuck indoors regressing,knowing it.AS i have always known, I am one apart,not by choice,is it worth continuing in this way?Every avenue i turn down ,is closed,everywhere i look people are using others to gain ground,or manipulate,or to take their animosity out on,somethin that is foreign to me ,should i be more like them?The question is,am i capable of such behaviour,and at what cost.I cannot feel more rejected,the world does not get any colder than it feels NOW,little comfot in principles,keep on finding myself with people who use /abuse my good nature,and who have interest only in their own gain.There is a gaping black hole in my future,and ,in this darkness ,it is nigh on impossible to see anything rationally.So much wasted time,all this hurt,what to do with it,i cant repress it all,it has to be exorcised somehow,it is now after 2 o clock in the morning,still stressed,still anxious,dead end.No wonder no-one reads this ,its hardly sunshine and roses,the truth rarely is.Needed to get this out of my head,just to see it is real,too real,too much emotional baggage,nothing to take its place.[does anyone ever feel this wasted,empty,used?]PEACE.Dave.s

faith

I dont think another look back,will help,in my present situation,so i need to look at how i percieve things now/in the future.SO far,things that I had hoped for have not worked out,so how much longer do i continue to beat myself up?My decision to leave a network,is based on complete indifference, and my self -destructive nature [frustration].The more i made it obvious ,the less positive feedback i got,not conducive to my mental wellbeing,another potential resource lost,with good reason.Others have made it clear i am not welcome,with a domino effect on possibilities,all locked doors,not due to me,but i know people have had words,behind my back.It would seem there is no forgiveness in my life ,once i am judged ,without a balanced decision,thats me lost.Having been judged so often,tiresomely,i make it a point of mine to not judge others,all my decisons have been in good faith,and with others best interests at heart,says it all.It is hard to see things clearly ,reeling in the wake of recent events.There appear to be brick walls in my way,no matter what i do,i set out to help others ,its as simple as that,given the chance i am still going to do just that,despite no-one seeming to have any interest in either my efforts ,or health.Struggling to find a positive thing in all this ,not what i set out to do.Istill have my beautiful dog Sheba,my family,a home, despite all this ,i still respect myself,i know how hard all this is, yet i keep on trying,there is no choice,back to the drawing board ,where to go from here ,,is past my present state of mind,its back to small steps,this time too shall pass,trying to like myself,and not let others use my good nature against me.It seems a long way to go ,to end up in the same place 3yrs later .Just have to look at what good can come of this,treat it as a [harsh] lesson,and believe in myself even more than before ,steel myself ,and be strong,my recovery ,with or without friends,is my responsibility.PEACE.

HARD TIMES

Trying to think positively has been something that I have struggled with at all times.The last couple of years have seen me become more guarded and hurt by the deceit of some,the indifference of others.Soaking up all this pain,with the additional illness I fight ,is sometimes been a lot to ask.It would seem that others have little time ,or understanding for either,whether they believe it or not,I still fight with each minute,to regain some of my true spirit,the real me.I get very tired of being judged,but that is not my doing,it is others will,only I have the truth.All the resources I had are slipping away,but I remain optimistic that something will turn up.My hopes of company have been dashed,again ,others doing,I do not wish to be alone,things just never turn out right.It is true ,at least from my thoughts that I feel betrayed,it is still raw,the fact is ,no-one else is affected by this, it is an even deeper hurt ,because it isolates me more,and of no value.I do not believe anyone else feels the depth of distress that I go through.[do they?]If so why have I been deserted,and cut from contact from everyone?I know this will not last forever,how much longer can i fight this much distress.Its obvious from all this ,that my thoughts are still clouded by all the distress in my heart.I need to be understood ,and believed,surely we all need someone to be on our side?Here and now I hear silence ,and its not what I deserve ,I am better than that,this I do know to be true.I STILL BELIEVE IN ME.PEACE

I CAN HELP?

Well, not much left to say,only to hope I have learned something from all this intensity,self destructive thinking and stress.I am still the same person ,I understand I have not been well,but I remain resolute in my beliefs,and will always try to be considerate and compassionate toward others.There is still a big hole inside me,how to fill it ,is the problem,I will continue [or try to]to help others ,because it helps me,win-win.Where and how ,is difficult to envisage from my current predicament,but my heart is still deeply set on doing what I can ,anyone who will accept me/literally,I will help.Taking care of myself,is paramount,I can only do this with co-operation.Twenty years alone ,is enough for me,I deserve better now,thats just a fact.Heres wishing all a safe ,peaceful christmas,and look forward to more success for everyone,you deserve it,so do I.PEACE.